I’m tired.  If you knew how much courage it takes for me to admit this you might be surprised.  I am really tired.  Trust me here….this isn’t a post for a pity party.  This is honestly my deep and true feelings.  It’s hard to explain, but for me being tired is being weak. I haven’t stopped since I started, not even to have a well deserved breakdown.

My wings have grown and they are beautiful, but I am too tired today to use them.  Year after year I remain strong for my kids, my family, and myself.  These years have worn me down and today I am really feeling it.

This year I started Rebel Thriver because my best friend had gotten so tired he gave up. I don’t think he consciously meant to die on me and the kids, but he was just too tired to go on.  Life had beaten him up and he didn’t have the strength to continue on so he left me behind.  I miss him.  Everyday.  My children miss him.  I know that missing him won’t bring him back, but my heart aches nevertheless.

I started Rebel Thriver in an attempt to fill the space in my soul that he left.  In order to try to make sense of his death I needed to reach out to other people who might be feeling tired like he was.  We called our family the “tribe”.  When I started Rebel Thriver I decided that I would just grow the “tribe”; I am not surprised at the ease in which this has happened.  The tribe is growing and will continue to grow because we all need to feel loved and belong somewhere.  

My path couldn’t have taken me farther from where I started.  On my journey I have followed the curves of the road and held on tightly over all of the bumps and dips. I have found a place where I fit in and I feel loved.  Besides being a mother, and protecting my children, I feel as though I have found my purpose.  Although it came as a result of my friend’s death, I celebrate him with every post and with every workshop we run. He was a storyteller; a photographer and a movie maker.  He believed that in helping people tell their stories healing would begin for both the story-teller and the listener.  In deciding to keep his dream alive I started this blog to tell my story.  My hope is to help other people who have been knocked around by life; to help them grow their wings and to keep pushing forward.

We cannot take on life alone.  We need a human family.  Sometimes our birth families as amazing as they might be cannot relate to the things that we have lived through.  The truth is too hard to hear. Thus is my case.  I feel like a stranger amongst them at times.  We get together and I feel like I am on the outside peering in.  I have lived through so much and I have kept so much to myself.  The secrets that I keep I do not speak out loud for there is no purpose in that, but they are there and they flash back to me in my memories when I am feeling weak and tired.

I was married for 11 years and I never thought I would get divorced. I loved my husband.  I think I loved him too much though, and in doing so I lost the love that I had for myself.  In trying to help him, I got hurt.  The man I met and loved so much slipped through my fingers and crushed my dreams.  Oddly enough I miss him sometimes.  I don’t miss the anger, the intimidation, the threats, the lies, the bruises, and the psychological mind games, but I miss the laughter and the companionship that we had when he was feeling his better self.  I miss the vision that I had for our future together.  The moon eclipsed the sun so quickly and the darkness fell into the darkest of nights.  I didn’t think I would make it out alive, but I did.

I have survivors guilt.  I feel guilty that I left him ill and alone.  I feel guilty that I didn’t leave him sooner.  I feel guilty that my children were exposed to his insanity.  I feel guilty that I burdened my family.  I feel guilty that I made bad choices.  I feel guilty that the next man I truly loved died.  I feel guilty that I feel guilty.  This guilt doesn’t weigh me down, but it is there and it prevents me from feeling human at times.  What I mean by this is that I don’t allow myself to feel it for it doesn’t serve me to do so.  So I carry this guilt around quietly because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone else. I just keep pushing through.

I have been tying for years to find myself again in the midst of the chaos of being a single parent living on the run.  I am exhausted and I just want someone to hold my hand and walk with me.  I am scared of being left again.  I am afraid of extending my hand for fear that I will be left standing alone again, but I am tired and it is my hearts desire to share my life with someone.  Somehow in spite of it all I still BELIEVE.

I wanted my children to have a perfect childhood.  They haven’t.  They are loved beyond measure though, and they know it.  Unconditional love is what I can give them.  I can’t conjure up for them the father they so desperately want… and I feel guilty about that too.  I will continue to protected them from evils of this world and I will guide them through this maze of life.  I see the light ahead of me and I just keep following it. I trust it.

This light is my beacon…my lighthouse on the banks of the tumultuous seas.  It is my desire to connect to others and help them to find this light.  To help even one person get through some of the despair that I have felt is what keeps me going.  Yes, even I get tired sometimes and I have to stop and take pause.  What gets me through these times is gratitude.  I am so incredibly grateful for everything in my life and I am even grateful for all that I have lost.  I am simply grateful to be alive to see my children grow and laugh.

Gratitude is my magic balm.  When I feel down and alone I write my gratitude list and it is long.  I don’t have much in the way of material things anymore, but I have hope.  I have true friendships and I believe that we can overcome the toughest of struggles together.  You won’t hear me say I’m tired very much, but tonight I am wearing it like a heavy cloak, and I am simply being open and honest.  We all get tired, and when I do, like today I reach out to my friends and try to help them to keep shining.  This simple interaction that is born out of love reminds me that my wings are big, strong, and beautiful.  I have made it through the darkness and I am surrounded by light even if I am tired.  We all get tired, and you know what?  That’s okay.  

Each night I say goodnight to the Rebel Thriver tribe and leave a little note for any of them that might be struggling; tired from the daily push and pull of life.  I tell them to hang on because tomorrow is a brand new day to start again. A clean slate. That’s the magic in life…if we are lucky we get to live to see another day.  We get another chance to try again, even if we are tired…even me.

xo Ella

I am always running 10 steps ahead of myself.  I’m not hyper, but I am excitable.  I love the idea of yoga.  In my mind, balance goes hand in hand with yoga.  I have taken yoga classes and done my share of meditation; usually guided, otherwise the voices in my head take over and the next thing I know I am planning dinner or what to buy the kids for Christmas!

I am always striving for BALANCE.  It’s so hard for me to do being a type A personality.  I want to do it all now.  A fact that many people may not know is that survivors of abuse usually have what is perceived as control issues.  It looks like control to other people…it feels like FEAR to us though.  I lived in a marriage where there was no emotional stability.  Living like this caused me to try to control any semblance of stability and sanity.

It’s been years since I left my husband and I have not sat idly by.  I have worked very hard on myself.  I have worked hard with my children.  I have come very far from where I was, but I still struggle with balance.  I know that the result of my abusive marriage is PTSD.  I know that this causes certain people to think I am controlling when in fact it is quiet the opposite.  After living a life where the bottom dropped out there is a lot of residual and illogical fear left lingering.  I do my best to express myself and my concerns to those who are close to me in my life.  It is balance that I am striving for.

Today, I went to the ocean and decided to Stand Up Paddle Board (SUP) instead of regular long boarding.  This is something that I really want to be good at.  It’s fun and a great workout.  Paddling out on flat water is easy, but to take a huge and heavy board like this into the waves is an entirely different experience.  You need to be present or you risk getting hurt.

As I paddled out past the breakers I found that the ocean was working with me.  I felt the rhythm of the waves and I gave thanks for the good fortune of having a healthy body so that I had could be out there.  I was no longer afraid of the waves smashing me down as I learned how to fall and take the crushing waves in stride.  I didn’t care who was watching as I stood up on that board.  It was me and the sea, and it was amazing.

What I learned today was that BALANCE is not so hard after all.  We need to have our feet planted firmly on the ground, but we also need to stay loose and flexible to be able to absorb the waves in our life.  Bumps in the road some might say.  The more relaxed I was the better I surfed.  Finally, when It was time to head to shore I was super stoked to be able to ride that board in.  I was tired, happy, content, and balanced.  What normally would have scared me to death (these boards are HEAVY if they hit you), turned out to be the best ride ever!  I stood firmly and confidently and picked the right wave and just let it take me in to the shore.

What a blast life can be when we let go a little and trust ourselves to be able to manage the ups and downs of our daily lives.  It was so freeing to let go of my fear and find my balance in the crashing surf.  The ocean always teaches me…today she taught me balance…finally.

 

As an artist I am full of emotional ups and downs.  I have tried to quell them with different things over the years.  I have realized though that my feelings are not meant to be turned off or dulled down.  I feel because I am alive and I am fully human.

The thing I struggle with the most is that often times my feelings are not subtle.  They do not take into consideration my day and what I need to do.  Sometimes it’s like my emotions are like a light switch and they turn on and off just like that.  It’s exhausting really.  I ask them to just go away nicely, but they are stubborn.

Recognizing this about myself is the most important thing.  I know that we are meant to feel.  We are not always going to like how we feel, but the fact that we can is so important.  I am grateful for that.  There was a long time where I couldn’t feel anything.  I had been so hurt and abused that I turned it all off.  I was numb.  No tears, no connection to myself.

That was then.  Now I can cry with abandon…to the point where I wish I could just turn the tears off.  Tears flow like a river…they take their own course.  So it is with my feelings.  I now feel and sometimes the intensity of these feelings are overwhelming.  I feel like a deer in the headlights and I want to run.  Sometimes I do; I run and turn inwards.

A friend once said to me that when you feel something bad you need to sit with it just as you would a happy feeling.  Feelings are much like waves…you pick the ones you want to surf.  He was right about that.  I am learning day by day what it means to choose my thoughts; my thoughts are directly linked to my feelings.  Understanding all of this is harder than it sounds most of the time.

I am a tsunami of creative energy.  There are days when the feelings are of fear and anger and other days they are one sweet, happy, and blissful trip.  Then there are the stormy days where the feelings all collide like the churning sea during a tempest and I feel like I am going to drown.  The currents run deep and work on pulling me down.  I am exhausted, but I still rise.  I always come back…usually stronger for it.

I need to remember that when I am feeling my most unsteady and uncertain, when I fall down…I always get back up.  That’s life.  We deal with it one day at a time.  If we can live in the present then we are half way there.  I cannot change how my feelings roll in.  I can only learn to be a better observer and student of them.  I also can teach myself how to use the dimmer instead of the light switch so that the contrast isn’t so stark.  

Finally, I can accept who, and how I am, and roll with it knowing that at the end of the day I am okay.  I am always going to get back up no matter how hard it is and no matter how hard it hurts.  It helps to have balance and I am working on using my dimmer switch with every crashing wave.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are         feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our            ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”  – M. Scott Peck

 True story.  Here I am going along thinking I’m doing great when BAM!  My train derailed.  It’s not the first time this has happened to me.  However, this was the most poignant.  After living with an abusive man with BPD (ever see the movie Fight Club?) I learned how to disassociate pretty well.  Actually I think I aced the test.  What exactly does that mean?  I numbed everything out.  I could bring up stuff in therapy, but it was almost like a story telling.  I thought I was feelings, but it wasn’t until very recently that I realized I was numb.  Much number than I ever imagined.

What happened?  About a month ago I was confronted by an angry abusive landlord. I didn’t realize at the time what a ripple effect that one meeting would have on me.  After being bullied for so long I chose situations that would avoid confrontation.  I was scared to death of it.  The one sunny April day I was bullied by this man verbally in front of my children and then he decided to give me some parenting advice.  I think it was the latter that actually made me crack.  All the rage I had been holding inside for years just came out and I felt it!  I felt so much I didn’t know what to do with it.  I was lost; within moments I fell into a spiral of emotions that I just couldn’t fathom.

Lacking the coping skills I started to cry…I couldn’t stop.  When my youngest said, “Great.  Dad the bully is gone and now we have to deal with him.” I just didn’t know what emotion to act on.  No one could console me.  My dear partner was besides himself  feeling helpless, I am sure.  It really took a toll on me…on all of us.  I didn’t think I could sit with all the anger, pain, hurt, and frustration.  I thought it would kill me.

For those of you that don’t know I run a private Rebel Thriver group for women.  I am always telling them to speak up when they need support.  My ego was in the way I am ashamed to say.  How could I tell them I was falling to pieces when I was the group leader?  It didn’t take long for me to realize that I had no choice.  I needed support so I let it rip.

I cannot even begin to tell you what happened next.  The Rebel Thriver tribe jumped right in.  No judgements…nothing but pure love and support.  The women who had been through this already helped me through.  It took a few weeks which is why I haven’t posted a blog in a while.  I am sincerely humbled by the love I received.  I learned that I need to not just give of myself I need to learn how to receive.  This is a tricky thing for someone who has been taken advantage of for so long.  These women, my friends, my sisters, rallied around me and showed me how to receive.  They helped me more than any therapist ever has.  It has truly been a life changing experience for me.  I feel awake.  I feel.  I mean I really feel, and i’m okay.  I didn’t break.  I experienced some severe growing pains, but I am still here to tell the tale.

I wanted to share this because I want you all to know that none of us are above hitting a wall.  We all need support and when we feel strong it is our time to support others.  This is a beginning for me.  I know that I can sit with strong feelings and I won’t explode.  I LOVE my women’s group and I love them for helping me see that I am worth so much more that anyone’s bullying.  That my anger was justified and okay.  That I can learn to handle my emotions.

So to all the fellow women Rebel Thriver’s out there…I say to you that you are worthy.  You are loved and you are going to be okay as long as you are open, honest, and are willing to do the work.  You make the world a better place and deserve so much more than you have received.  I ask every woman to tell their story for the healing process.  I never really thought about being able to edit the script.  I realize now that you can re-write what you thought was going to be the ending.  You are brave and beautiful.  YOU GROW GIRLS!  Never stop, never give up, never ever give up.

I am thankful that I can say that I have never lived through a tornado.  I don’t know how people do.  I’ve seen The Wizard of Oz enough to know that I don’t want to be swept up and taken away to a far away and unfamiliar place.  That’s what can happen though both literally and figuratively in real life.  You can lose yourself and everything else in a split second.

Sometimes it’s our lives that feel like a storm is tearing the shingles off the roof.  We can feel the wind kicking up as we try to quickly put things in order to be prepared.  Sometimes life comes at us hard and we get caught up with the flying debris.  It’s scary as hell.

Our thoughts can do the same thing.  They run rampant in our mind and are sometimes worse than anything tangible because they are so hard to control…just like nature.  Our thoughts can be full of fury, confusion, and a big old mess.

Feeling like you are caught in the outer edges of the swirling tornado is a really horrible place to be.  You are feeling out of control and there is debris and collateral damage everywhere.  When you feel like this you need to seek the Vortex; the calm in the center of the storm.  

Have you ever created a whirlpool?  Everyone walks around the inside of the pool in the same motion.  It starts slowly, but soon enough the current starts to whip up and take over.  If you get a good one going you can just ride it around the pool, but watch out for the pool toys…they are right there with you.  Did you know that if you make a break and walk into the center of the pool it is calm.  Everything is circling you; your friends and the rest of the things in the pool circle around you.  You are in the center though and it is calm.

In life you will experience this phenomenon more often than you might realize.  Life’s circumstances influence our thoughts every minute of the day.  When life or your thoughts feel like they are taking over and you are losing control and you are being swept up into the whirlpool, seek your center.  If you realize this in the midst of the chaos then you can still make the choice to take a breath and move to the center.  Close your eyes and take a deep breath and know that at that moment you are safe.  

This takes some practice to become habit.  I remember when I used to work in a big office and it would get chaotic and crazy when deadlines were looming.  I would shut my office door and just find the center.  It only takes a minute, but if you can learn to do this then you can see the debris and duck before it knocks you on your ass.  

Remember that we sometimes have to lose ourselves to find ourselves.  Sometimes we have to fall apart to build ourselves back up stronger.  When this is happening don’t forget that the safe haven is within yourself.  Find your center and take a deep breath and just let the chaos swirl about you.  Don’t worry, it won’t disappear.  You will still have a chance to try to get a handle on things and do damage control.  For a minute though if you seek the center and give yourself a moment of calm you can face what’s out there in the chaotic swirl of life a little more grounded.

Do you know who you are?  I mean do you really know.  I thought I did pretty much. I have accepted my past and made the decision to move on with my life.  I thought that would have given me some serious insight into who I really am.  The truth  is that really knowing yourself is a constant process and it is hard work.

Sometimes we look in the mirror and just take a passing glance at that person that is reflected back to us.  We keep moving so we don’t have to really see her.  I ask you, can you look in the mirror at yourself in quiet solitude and really say that you know yourself?  Can you really say that you like what you see.  Maybe the real question is…can you even see her?

We started a month-long daily workshop in my Rebel Thriver women’s group.  The first week was on this very subject.  Here I thought I was going to be helping other women and in the process I found out I was the one who really needed the help.  I started out with a simple mantra and asked everyone to write it out and stick on their mirrors.  I LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF.  This was to be said 3x a day for the week.  I had no idea how hard this was actually going to be.  Stripped down of all make up in my bathroom I really looked at myself in that mirror that first day.  The truth is that I couldn’t do it and I walked out.

This is the cool thing about being held accountable by your friends; your friends help you grow if you let them.  They teach you and they help you to keep pushing to be a better version of yourself.  How could I ask my friends to do this when I couldn’t myself?  This was the moment it all crystalized for me.  And I went back to that mirror and looked deep into my blue eyes and said that mantra 6x.  Sounds simple?  Go ahead and give it a try.

I LOVE AND ACCEPT YOU

What does that mean?  To me it means that I see myself for who I am, where I have been, how my struggles have affected me both physically and emotionally, and I can say…I need to get some work done.  I don’t mean Botox either!!!  I mean the internal soul-searching kinda overwhelming stuff that we think about for a second and then shove back down.  The stuff we don’t like to get into.  It takes a BRAVE person to go deep and take a look.

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME

I am not my past.  My past is what happened to me.  Along the way I picked up bad habits and horrible internal messages.  I have the ability to walk into a room confidently and have everyone believe it.   Deep down I was just faking it to make it.  I didn’t want that anymore so I decided to change it.  I started with my Mantra’s and doing the writing. People often think that it will take too much time and too much work to make a difference, so they just accept it and hate parts of themselves.  My question is why settle?

I AM WORTHY OF MY LOVE

We devote so much time to helping others, work, household chores, raising our children, and social networking.  The raw truth is that we need to take the time to look with in and take stock.  I KNOW this because I just did this.  What do you like about yourself?  What don’t you like?  Why?  Write it down and think about it.  A little work everyday can get you so far!  I can honestly say that with the support of my friends I actually did the work.  It was hard, but they did it right along side of me.  Growth isn’t easy, but you are so worth the time and effort it takes to take a deeper look.  

I AM RISING FROM THE ASHES

I have, and will always have work to do as i am always evolving.  I can honestly say though that I can look myself square in the eye and not only say I LOVE and ACCEPT you, but I believe it.  I am a strong, brave, and beautiful woman and I am blessed to have some of the most supportive friends in the world.  If you are having a hard time looking at yourself in the mirror, ask a friend.  Look at her and she will help you find your reflection.

*  I would like to mention that this workshop is still going on.  If there are any women who feel they might like to join in the fun please contact me in a message. *

When you stumble, make it a part of the dance.

If life has knocked you down a lot you might be really good at this already.  Grace under fire.  I am getting better with this as the years go by.  No one likes to fall, especially when it’s in front of other people; and those people are usually the ones we consider the closest to us.  Why then is it that we get so embarrassed when we stumble?  Why do we take it so hard?  Why does our PRIDE run for the hills?

What if we could all just catch ourselves when we feel that initial gravitational pull, and turn that fall into a dance?  Imagine that scene; a world full of dancing!  We all know the truth.  We all fall.  Sometimes we fall harder than others, and the truth is no one likes it.  I haven’t met one person yet on my journey that can say they like to fall.  Not only does it take time to get up and on our way again, but it really hurts sometimes!  Falling or stumbling is not what any of us plan for when we start out on our day, but it happens.

The trick is…to turn that stumble into a dance.  Don’t miss a beat, just keep on going.  Rest safe and secure in the FACT that everyone stumbles.  Some stumbles turn into hard falls.  They are a little harder to choreograph, but it can be done.  Sometimes you just need to sit in the ditch on the ground for a little while.  Life can be tiring and sometimes we all need a little break.  My advice to you is to get up as quickly as you can.  The longer you sit, the harder it is to get up and start moving again.

I am so blessed to have such amazing and truthful conversations everyday with some of the most incredible women. Being honest and having hope are two critical things.  When we feel ourselves falling that is when we need to turn to our support system and ask for help.  That’s the rub though…our PRIDE often gets in the way.  Pride is really an ugly monster, and I deal with this particular devil just about everyday.  I am learning  that you don’t always have to be the strong one.  Sometimes, even when you stumble you help others just through osmosis.  When you ask for help you are giving someone else the courage to ask when they need it, and giving them an opportunity to rise up and help another.

In the past week I have watched a good friend unravel.  She was so besides herself; she felt like a failure.  She stumbled hard, but on the way down she contacted me.  I am so PROUD of her for doing this.  She was overwhelmed and she needed a night off.  What amazed me so much about her was that the next day she just got up, dusted herself off, and got back to it.  She turned her stumble into a dance. That took so much strength and courage for her to admit she felt like a failure, ask for help, take the time she needed to re-group and then pick herself back up to carry on.

There is so much we can learn from others struggles and so much we can do to help them on their way.  Sometimes just helping someone tweak the way they think or look at things can have an everlasting effect.  So what is the point in all of this?  If you see someone about to stumble take their hand and help them join the dance.  

So this is where we get real and I let you peer into the once gaping hole that was recently left in me.  To write about Roger is like trying to remember a dream as it fades. He left my life as quickly as he entered it; and it remains a sensitive spot.

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”                      ― Kahlil Gibran

A couple of years back I needed a photographer to come and take some photos of a project I was working on.  I was referred to this guy named Roger; I was told he was really good and wouldn’t charge me too much.  From our first email we clicked.  It took about 2 weeks before we actually met…when he first walked in the door I realized that I hadn’t heard his voice yet (thanks to email and texting).  I really didn’t know what to expect.  I knew I wasn’t looking for love.  Love had turned my life upside down before.  I just wanted pictures taken and maybe a new friend.

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”                      ― Kahlil Gibran

I soon found out that he was the most awesome person I had ever met.  He was super smart, philosophical, spiritual, a teacher, he read Neruda & Rumi; an artist of film and photo’s, and a poet too.  To top it all off he had a non-profit to benefit children in poor villages in the Caribbean.  He surfed, skateboarded, loved hiking, biking, and shot pictures all the time.  He still had his childlike sense of wonder intact and he inspired me.  It took about 2 weeks before I fell head over heels in love with this person.  I knew from the minute we met that we would be life long friends, but I never imagined this.  I can even remember the exact moment.  It was June and I was standing barefoot at the sink doing dishes.  The kids were in the kitchen laughing and the afternoon sun was shining through the curtains.  We were talking on the phone and he said, “I just want to touch your hair.  I just want to hold you.”

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”                      ― Kahlil Gibran

Like quickly turned to love and we were inseparable.  He was older than me and I loved that he was more experienced.  Life had come at him hard and he had weathered it with his gentle soul intact.  Looking at life through the eyes of a photographer will shift your perspective forever.  Roger did just that for me.  He found me, the needle in the haystack, and he loved me honestly and completely.  His sensitivity was too much for him and he fell off the wagon about a year after we had met.  He convinced himself that he would be okay.  Within weeks drugs consumed him and he was but a shell of his former self.  He said that I left him, but it was I who was left behind.  He chose the drugs or the drugs chose him…it doesn’t matter how you look at it.  It was only 6 months later that he was gone.  His mother gave me a letter that he had written for me a week before his death.  Among many things, he said that he was sorry, and that I was his one true love.  He knew he could go through life knowing that he had ben genuinely loved.  That is the truth…I loved him.  I still feel numb, and writing about him is like writing through the mist.

After being in an abusive marriage I couldn’t take that situation on. Lesson learned the first time around I can happily say.  Drugs are not something I care to mess with and the only relationship an addict can have is with his drugs.  He took my stance as a choice to leave him behind.  My life was falling apart, we had to move 3 times in 2 months, and I was just lost without him.  Then one sunny day the kids and I found an amazing little cottage by the sea and moved in.  I cried for the entire first month because I missed him so much.  I didn’t know anyone and I was scared, heartbroken, and alone.  I felt like no one would ever understand, but then I met my neighbors.  They welcomed us like family and we started to settle right in.  Slowly, life starts to pick up where you leave off; just like the ocean where the waves keep rolling in.

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”                      ― Kahlil Gibran

I now realize that we are put here to love and be loved.  When I got divorced I felt that I had lost my chance at true love.  I didn’t believe I was worthy or even capable of loving again.  I declared a ban on relationships, marriage, and love.  Then I met Liam and he showed me without even trying how easy it is to love again.  The great circle of life continues and I find myself still loving.  I realized that in this world there are so many amazing people and we are capable of loving all of them in some way.  We are certainly capable of being in love more than once.  Every person is a whole universe within themselves.  Learning how to trust again after you have been so hurt is not easy. Being vulnerable is not easy.  What I have found is that if you open your heart, love will find you.  It is your job to cultivate it.  I miss Roger everyday and I feel him hanging out with me sometimes…usually laughing.  I can now smile, and miss him at the same time.

Life goes on and we can choose to be bitter or to trust again.  I happen to love being in love.  Sometime when I am feeling insecure I hear that little voice in my head telling me that I am not worthy, but I am learning to quickly duck tape her mouth.  I am surfing again and the conditions are looking fabulous!  xo Ella

We were all meant to soar!  To be free to fly free without any tethers.  It’s funny how life is though; it really is like a roller coaster…just when you find yourself up you can drop without a seconds notice.  That feeling of falling is almost indescribable.  You drop and the adrenaline hits your heart, and then it just starts beating in overtime.

We all sprout wings along the journey.  Some of us have lived through many storms and our wings are big and strong.  I run a Rebel Thriver group for women.  This is a closed group and it is really hard for me to put a label on it.  It is a group for women who have survived life so far.  It is an incredible group, and I hear the most incredible stories everyday.  We come together to support, inspire, and yes even cry together.  There is love abundant in this group and I am so proud to be a part of it.  The will to LIVE has never been more apparent to me than amongst these women.

Here’s the thing I have learned recently.  We all survive something… and life does take prisoners.  We don’t have to face it all alone though.  I wish that I had this incredible group of women assembled together a few years ago when I could barely think straight because life was just coming at me to fast.  Today, I KNOW that we are meant to reach out, help each other, love, and be loved back.  

Sometimes our wings don’t work.  We try and try, but we find ourselves exhausted and standing in the same place.  No movement.  When that happens I want to let you know that you don’t need to panic.  Sure life is scary some days, but you need not fear.  Fear and worry never solves anything.  It just makes it worse.  When you surround yourself with people who have survived insurmountable odds and can still laugh, count yourself blessed.  These very women that are so often times labeled “a mess” are your best allies.

Next time you are feeling weak, confused, or exhausted don’t be afraid to ask one of these incredible women if you can borrow their wings.  I assure you that if needed they will most definitely ask you when they are in need of a boost.  It is NOT a sign of weakness but of strength.  Knowing your limits and asking for help or guidance is a sign of strength.  Be proud of yourself and how far you have come.  

If you are reading this post and connecting with it at all, remember this key element…Life is give and take.  When you seek help, you will be supported.  When you are feeling strong that is when you need support others in return.  In this simple exercise we can unite together against fear, isolation, loneliness, and pain.  We can use these negative feelings to transform each other and grow.  There is strength in numbers and I believe that we can all SOAR, even if we are flying in tandem with someone else. 

(* I want to thank the active members of Rebel Thriver for showing more love then I thought was possible.  Each and every one of you are magnificent in your own ways.  I am blessed and honored to know you *)