Catching the Next Wave…

So this is where we get real and I let you peer into the once gaping hole that was recently left in me.  To write about Roger is like trying to remember a dream as it fades. He left my life as quickly as he entered it; and it remains a sensitive spot.

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”                      ― Kahlil Gibran

A couple of years back I needed a photographer to come and take some photos of a project I was working on.  I was referred to this guy named Roger; I was told he was really good and wouldn’t charge me too much.  From our first email we clicked.  It took about 2 weeks before we actually met…when he first walked in the door I realized that I hadn’t heard his voice yet (thanks to email and texting).  I really didn’t know what to expect.  I knew I wasn’t looking for love.  Love had turned my life upside down before.  I just wanted pictures taken and maybe a new friend.

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”                      ― Kahlil Gibran

I soon found out that he was the most awesome person I had ever met.  He was super smart, philosophical, spiritual, a teacher, he read Neruda & Rumi; an artist of film and photo’s, and a poet too.  To top it all off he had a non-profit to benefit children in poor villages in the Caribbean.  He surfed, skateboarded, loved hiking, biking, and shot pictures all the time.  He still had his childlike sense of wonder intact and he inspired me.  It took about 2 weeks before I fell head over heels in love with this person.  I knew from the minute we met that we would be life long friends, but I never imagined this.  I can even remember the exact moment.  It was June and I was standing barefoot at the sink doing dishes.  The kids were in the kitchen laughing and the afternoon sun was shining through the curtains.  We were talking on the phone and he said, “I just want to touch your hair.  I just want to hold you.”

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”                      ― Kahlil Gibran

Like quickly turned to love and we were inseparable.  He was older than me and I loved that he was more experienced.  Life had come at him hard and he had weathered it with his gentle soul intact.  Looking at life through the eyes of a photographer will shift your perspective forever.  Roger did just that for me.  He found me, the needle in the haystack, and he loved me honestly and completely.  His sensitivity was too much for him and he fell off the wagon about a year after we had met.  He convinced himself that he would be okay.  Within weeks drugs consumed him and he was but a shell of his former self.  He said that I left him, but it was I who was left behind.  He chose the drugs or the drugs chose him…it doesn’t matter how you look at it.  It was only 6 months later that he was gone.  His mother gave me a letter that he had written for me a week before his death.  Among many things, he said that he was sorry, and that I was his one true love.  He knew he could go through life knowing that he had ben genuinely loved.  That is the truth…I loved him.  I still feel numb, and writing about him is like writing through the mist.

My Life

After being in an abusive marriage I couldn’t take that situation on. Lesson learned the first time around I can happily say.  Drugs are not something I care to mess with and the only relationship an addict can have is with his drugs.  He took my stance as a choice to leave him behind.  My life was falling apart, we had to move 3 times in 2 months, and I was just lost without him.  Then one sunny day the kids and I found an amazing little cottage by the sea and moved in.  I cried for the entire first month because I missed him so much.  I didn’t know anyone and I was scared, heartbroken, and alone.  I felt like no one would ever understand, but then I met my neighbors.  They welcomed us like family and we started to settle right in.  Slowly, life starts to pick up where you leave off; just like the ocean where the waves keep rolling in.

“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.”                      ― Kahlil Gibran

I now realize that we are put here to love and be loved.  When I got divorced I felt that I had lost my chance at true love.  I didn’t believe I was worthy or even capable of loving again.  I declared a ban on relationships, marriage, and love.  Then I met Liam and he showed me without even trying how easy it is to love again.  The great circle of life continues and I find myself still loving.  I realized that in this world there are so many amazing people and we are capable of loving all of them in some way.  We are certainly capable of being in love more than once.  Every person is a whole universe within themselves.  Learning how to trust again after you have been so hurt is not easy. Being vulnerable is not easy.  What I have found is that if you open your heart, love will find you.  It is your job to cultivate it.  I miss Roger everyday and I feel him hanging out with me sometimes…usually laughing.  I can now smile, and miss him at the same time.

Life goes on and we can choose to be bitter or to trust again.  I happen to love being in love.  Sometime when I am feeling insecure I hear that little voice in my head telling me that I am not worthy, but I am learning to quickly duck tape her mouth.  I am surfing again and the conditions are looking fabulous!  xo Ella

19 thoughts on “Catching the Next Wave…

  1. WOW!!!!!!! I am so very happy for you! So many DO give up after going through heartache and pain. They shut themselves down. You are such a breath of fresh air and inspiration my dear! Keep loving and keep being you!

  2. Oh’ my sweet, I absolutely LOVE this! Thank you ~ thank you for sharing your story, you are such an inspiration of beauty ~ strength and courage. xo

    1. Hii Carrie…You KNOW this kicked my ass when it happened, but I am shaking it off and moving on with hope and love. You my friend are one of my greatest inspirations!!! I just want you to KNOW that and that I LOVE LOVE LOVE you!!!! xoxo

  3. Thank you so much for sharing this. I have recently felt a love like this. However it wasn’t meant to be. It truly was the most pure, beautiful, uplifting and inspiring love I have ever felt. Thank you for sharing this. I too am so thankful for the love the universe showed me and trusted me with. I know today that I am suppose to share this love with others and love myself the way I loved this soul. Thank you again for sharing your story. May your tomorrow be filled with light and love that is all around.

  4. Wonderful, very inspiring piece of excellent writing. I can relate…the love of my love (ex) was an alcoholic (and cheater, also) and he chose that over me and I felt the same way. Left him, moved on with my life, fell in love and got hurt again.(He cheated) Vowed to never have another relationship but fell in lust, then love, got married…and… don’t you just know… it was to another (unbeknownst to me) alcoholic and years later(after we divorced) he became a drug addict. Decided that I was done with opposite sex until I could make better choices. Then after 10 years of celibacy, met a man who made me laugh and…guess again…was an allegedly recovered alcoholic,(he wasn’t recovering) who also cheated. I must have a sign on my forehead….lol. Now, I am old and no longer as attractive as I was in my younger days, but have always enjoyed my own company. So am lucky there. Am open to love – but will be very cautious, if it ever comes around again.

    1. Hello and thank you for sharing your story with me. I am sorry that you have been put through all of this for you are worthy of so much more. My advise to you would be to look at what it is that you are attracted to in these men. There is a pattern. There is something in you that draws you to them…perhaps it’s that the familiarity feels comfortable? Watch for the Red Flags going forward. I also want to tell you that beauty, true beauty is from your heart and soul. You can’t fake that with all the Botox in the world. So, I pray that you will encounter love on your journey…true love. Keep your heart open for it as you truly are so worthy of it. XO Ella

  5. Dear Ella….. I’m holding your hand like you have held mine many times. I am so proud of you for surviving what you have been through with your head held high. The universe brought him to you for a short amount of time to teach you to that love was possible. Perhaps you were brought to him to teach him that love was enough. However the pull of the drugs or alcohol were just to strong. I am going through that whole letting go of the bad and trying to HOPE that some day I can trust my heart to love again. It’s almost like your heart is filled up with love like a balloon is filled with air. For you, it was time to let that love out and share it. You are so lucky to have found that with another person. I guess now your job is to fill that heart balloon with love and share it with all of those who need strength and trust again. Thank you for doing that, for sharing this and for just being you. In doing so you help more than you know. Perhaps that is another part of this lesson. The strength and love to help others is something that your to hearts prepared together to share with all of us. Thank you. Don’t lose faith girl. In time the universe may present you with another to share your heart with just as it did this last time with Liam. In the mean time….. thanks for sharing your heart with all of us. Again….. I’m holding your hand and sending you a hug. L.

    1. Sweet Lisa, Thank you so much for your love and support. You have no idea how much it means to me to see you everyday on Rebel Thriver. I see you all…like a family across the seas. We don’t get to see each other, but everyday we connect. I want you to know that I am okay. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to know this amazing man. He saved me from myself. He taught me. He loved me. As a result, I have taken all of that and have started a Ripple effect with Rebel Thriver. We all have crosses to bear. We all have lessons to learn, and we all have love to give back….knowledge to bestow. Most importantly we gain empathy and compassion which make us very good hand holders and cheerleaders. So, thank you my sweet sister for holding mine today XO Ella

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