“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” – M. Scott Peck
True story. Here I am going along thinking I’m doing great when BAM! My train derailed. It’s not the first time this has happened to me. However, this was the most poignant. After living with an abusive man with BPD (ever see the movie Fight Club?) I learned how to disassociate pretty well. Actually I think I aced the test. What exactly does that mean? I numbed everything out. I could bring up stuff in therapy, but it was almost like a story telling. I thought I was feelings, but it wasn’t until very recently that I realized I was numb. Much number than I ever imagined.
What happened? About a month ago I was confronted by an angry abusive landlord. I didn’t realize at the time what a ripple effect that one meeting would have on me. After being bullied for so long I chose situations that would avoid confrontation. I was scared to death of it. The one sunny April day I was bullied by this man verbally in front of my children and then he decided to give me some parenting advice. I think it was the latter that actually made me crack. All the rage I had been holding inside for years just came out and I felt it! I felt so much I didn’t know what to do with it. I was lost; within moments I fell into a spiral of emotions that I just couldn’t fathom.
Lacking the coping skills I started to cry…I couldn’t stop. When my youngest said, “Great. Dad the bully is gone and now we have to deal with him.” I just didn’t know what emotion to act on. No one could console me. My dear partner was besides himself feeling helpless, I am sure. It really took a toll on me…on all of us. I didn’t think I could sit with all the anger, pain, hurt, and frustration. I thought it would kill me.
For those of you that don’t know I run a private Rebel Thriver group for women. I am always telling them to speak up when they need support. My ego was in the way I am ashamed to say. How could I tell them I was falling to pieces when I was the group leader? It didn’t take long for me to realize that I had no choice. I needed support so I let it rip.
I cannot even begin to tell you what happened next. The Rebel Thriver tribe jumped right in. No judgements…nothing but pure love and support. The women who had been through this already helped me through. It took a few weeks which is why I haven’t posted a blog in a while. I am sincerely humbled by the love I received. I learned that I need to not just give of myself I need to learn how to receive. This is a tricky thing for someone who has been taken advantage of for so long. These women, my friends, my sisters, rallied around me and showed me how to receive. They helped me more than any therapist ever has. It has truly been a life changing experience for me. I feel awake. I feel. I mean I really feel, and i’m okay. I didn’t break. I experienced some severe growing pains, but I am still here to tell the tale.
I wanted to share this because I want you all to know that none of us are above hitting a wall. We all need support and when we feel strong it is our time to support others. This is a beginning for me. I know that I can sit with strong feelings and I won’t explode. I LOVE my women’s group and I love them for helping me see that I am worth so much more that anyone’s bullying. That my anger was justified and okay. That I can learn to handle my emotions.
So to all the fellow women Rebel Thriver’s out there…I say to you that you are worthy. You are loved and you are going to be okay as long as you are open, honest, and are willing to do the work. You make the world a better place and deserve so much more than you have received. I ask every woman to tell their story for the healing process. I never really thought about being able to edit the script. I realize now that you can re-write what you thought was going to be the ending. You are brave and beautiful. YOU GROW GIRLS! Never stop, never give up, never ever give up.
6 thoughts on “You Grow Girl!”
Before that happened, I thought you were a rockstar. And a rock. And maybe a little hard to approach too. I am shy so it’s hard for me to approach people anyway. And then you let us see your tender, raw, real side; you let us into your world, and you know the rest. You let us hold your hand and love you and listen to you and cry with you. And then give you a hand so that you can stand up again. And after that, I respected you all the more. You are no longer a rock so much as your are a giant tree, firmly rooted but swaying when the storms blows too hard.
I haven’t shared a lot of my story in the group. I am reaching the 23rd mile of my healing marathon. I don’t need as much help as I once needed, so I do what I can to repay those who saved me: I lend my hand, my indefatigable spirit and my example. Maybe I should share more of my story. But right now, I am in a different place. I wrote this post a few months ago called Rise Again. I was on the brink, yet again, of suicide. How many times can a woman teeter on that brink before they fall? I do not know that answer; but, I do know that I no longer walk on emotional cliffs. I have a deep, dark side Ella. I’m not hiding it, but it is raw and a little too fresh for comfort.
Oh dear. I am babbling? It is late. I feel safe talking to you. Very, very safe. Funny, how you make me, and so many others, feel safe.
I am sleepy. I must sleep. Talk soon.
I love you Ella.
Oh El, thank you so much. That means so much to me, I love your honesty as always. A rockstar? Me? Oh that’s cute. I like tree better! And we form a forrest that is circling the globe!!!! Thank you. I am so glad to hear that I made right decision to share me with you. Life is a constant classroom and I have the best classmates! Love you too El! xo
Thank you for sharing this Ella! It is such a blessing to be part of your group. After years of sucking it up and staying strong in the midst of unhealthy relationships with certain family members, I can definitely relate to trying to deal with that spiral of emotions that take over after being bullied / abused. They are crippling / debilitating. I can handle healthy confrontations that are handled with respect, but those kind of confrontations where I am being bullied make me feel like I am being forced back into a corner, trapped & sliding down a wall until I have crumbled on the floor with no place to go. I can’t breathe, I get panic attacks – I literally feel like I am suffocating and my mind starts to race until I feel like my head is going to explode! Then I get angry with myself for letting a bully have that kind of power over me! It’s a long road, but I am determined to keep on the path until I reach full emotional wellness!
Melanie…remember to breath and that it does get better. xoxo
So glad I found you and your Rebel Thrivers Ella. xx
Dana…so glad you found us too! Welcome to the tribe! xo