“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” – M. Scott Peck
True story. Here I am going along thinking I’m doing great when BAM! My train derailed. It’s not the first time this has happened to me. However, this was the most poignant. After living with an abusive man with BPD (ever see the movie Fight Club?) I learned how to disassociate pretty well. Actually I think I aced the test. What exactly does that mean? I numbed everything out. I could bring up stuff in therapy, but it was almost like a story telling. I thought I was feelings, but it wasn’t until very recently that I realized I was numb. Much number than I ever imagined.
What happened? About a month ago I was confronted by an angry abusive landlord. I didn’t realize at the time what a ripple effect that one meeting would have on me. After being bullied for so long I chose situations that would avoid confrontation. I was scared to death of it. The one sunny April day I was bullied by this man verbally in front of my children and then he decided to give me some parenting advice. I think it was the latter that actually made me crack. All the rage I had been holding inside for years just came out and I felt it! I felt so much I didn’t know what to do with it. I was lost; within moments I fell into a spiral of emotions that I just couldn’t fathom.
Lacking the coping skills I started to cry…I couldn’t stop. When my youngest said, “Great. Dad the bully is gone and now we have to deal with him.” I just didn’t know what emotion to act on. No one could console me. My dear partner was besides himself feeling helpless, I am sure. It really took a toll on me…on all of us. I didn’t think I could sit with all the anger, pain, hurt, and frustration. I thought it would kill me.
For those of you that don’t know I run a private Rebel Thriver group for women. I am always telling them to speak up when they need support. My ego was in the way I am ashamed to say. How could I tell them I was falling to pieces when I was the group leader? It didn’t take long for me to realize that I had no choice. I needed support so I let it rip.
I cannot even begin to tell you what happened next. The Rebel Thriver tribe jumped right in. No judgements…nothing but pure love and support. The women who had been through this already helped me through. It took a few weeks which is why I haven’t posted a blog in a while. I am sincerely humbled by the love I received. I learned that I need to not just give of myself I need to learn how to receive. This is a tricky thing for someone who has been taken advantage of for so long. These women, my friends, my sisters, rallied around me and showed me how to receive. They helped me more than any therapist ever has. It has truly been a life changing experience for me. I feel awake. I feel. I mean I really feel, and i’m okay. I didn’t break. I experienced some severe growing pains, but I am still here to tell the tale.
I wanted to share this because I want you all to know that none of us are above hitting a wall. We all need support and when we feel strong it is our time to support others. This is a beginning for me. I know that I can sit with strong feelings and I won’t explode. I LOVE my women’s group and I love them for helping me see that I am worth so much more that anyone’s bullying. That my anger was justified and okay. That I can learn to handle my emotions.
So to all the fellow women Rebel Thriver’s out there…I say to you that you are worthy. You are loved and you are going to be okay as long as you are open, honest, and are willing to do the work. You make the world a better place and deserve so much more than you have received. I ask every woman to tell their story for the healing process. I never really thought about being able to edit the script. I realize now that you can re-write what you thought was going to be the ending. You are brave and beautiful. YOU GROW GIRLS! Never stop, never give up, never ever give up.