I’m tired. If you knew how much courage it takes for me to admit this you might be surprised. I am really tired. Trust me here….this isn’t a post for a pity party. This is honestly my deep and true feelings. It’s hard to explain, but for me being tired is being weak. I haven’t stopped since I started, not even to have a well deserved breakdown.
My wings have grown and they are beautiful, but I am too tired today to use them. Year after year I remain strong for my kids, my family, and myself. These years have worn me down and today I am really feeling it.
This year I started Rebel Thriver because my best friend had gotten so tired he gave up. I don’t think he consciously meant to die on me and the kids, but he was just too tired to go on. Life had beaten him up and he didn’t have the strength to continue on so he left me behind. I miss him. Everyday. My children miss him. I know that missing him won’t bring him back, but my heart aches nevertheless.
I started Rebel Thriver in an attempt to fill the space in my soul that he left. In order to try to make sense of his death I needed to reach out to other people who might be feeling tired like he was. We called our family the “tribe”. When I started Rebel Thriver I decided that I would just grow the “tribe”; I am not surprised at the ease in which this has happened. The tribe is growing and will continue to grow because we all need to feel loved and belong somewhere.
My path couldn’t have taken me farther from where I started. On my journey I have followed the curves of the road and held on tightly over all of the bumps and dips. I have found a place where I fit in and I feel loved. Besides being a mother, and protecting my children, I feel as though I have found my purpose. Although it came as a result of my friend’s death, I celebrate him with every post and with every workshop we run. He was a storyteller; a photographer and a movie maker. He believed that in helping people tell their stories healing would begin for both the story-teller and the listener. In deciding to keep his dream alive I started this blog to tell my story. My hope is to help other people who have been knocked around by life; to help them grow their wings and to keep pushing forward.
We cannot take on life alone. We need a human family. Sometimes our birth families as amazing as they might be cannot relate to the things that we have lived through. The truth is too hard to hear. Thus is my case. I feel like a stranger amongst them at times. We get together and I feel like I am on the outside peering in. I have lived through so much and I have kept so much to myself. The secrets that I keep I do not speak out loud for there is no purpose in that, but they are there and they flash back to me in my memories when I am feeling weak and tired.
I was married for 11 years and I never thought I would get divorced. I loved my husband. I think I loved him too much though, and in doing so I lost the love that I had for myself. In trying to help him, I got hurt. The man I met and loved so much slipped through my fingers and crushed my dreams. Oddly enough I miss him sometimes. I don’t miss the anger, the intimidation, the threats, the lies, the bruises, and the psychological mind games, but I miss the laughter and the companionship that we had when he was feeling his better self. I miss the vision that I had for our future together. The moon eclipsed the sun so quickly and the darkness fell into the darkest of nights. I didn’t think I would make it out alive, but I did.
I have survivors guilt. I feel guilty that I left him ill and alone. I feel guilty that I didn’t leave him sooner. I feel guilty that my children were exposed to his insanity. I feel guilty that I burdened my family. I feel guilty that I made bad choices. I feel guilty that the next man I truly loved died. I feel guilty that I feel guilty. This guilt doesn’t weigh me down, but it is there and it prevents me from feeling human at times. What I mean by this is that I don’t allow myself to feel it for it doesn’t serve me to do so. So I carry this guilt around quietly because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone else. I just keep pushing through.
I have been tying for years to find myself again in the midst of the chaos of being a single parent living on the run. I am exhausted and I just want someone to hold my hand and walk with me. I am scared of being left again. I am afraid of extending my hand for fear that I will be left standing alone again, but I am tired and it is my hearts desire to share my life with someone. Somehow in spite of it all I still BELIEVE.
I wanted my children to have a perfect childhood. They haven’t. They are loved beyond measure though, and they know it. Unconditional love is what I can give them. I can’t conjure up for them the father they so desperately want… and I feel guilty about that too. I will continue to protected them from evils of this world and I will guide them through this maze of life. I see the light ahead of me and I just keep following it. I trust it.
This light is my beacon…my lighthouse on the banks of the tumultuous seas. It is my desire to connect to others and help them to find this light. To help even one person get through some of the despair that I have felt is what keeps me going. Yes, even I get tired sometimes and I have to stop and take pause. What gets me through these times is gratitude. I am so incredibly grateful for everything in my life and I am even grateful for all that I have lost. I am simply grateful to be alive to see my children grow and laugh.
Gratitude is my magic balm. When I feel down and alone I write my gratitude list and it is long. I don’t have much in the way of material things anymore, but I have hope. I have true friendships and I believe that we can overcome the toughest of struggles together. You won’t hear me say I’m tired very much, but tonight I am wearing it like a heavy cloak, and I am simply being open and honest. We all get tired, and when I do, like today I reach out to my friends and try to help them to keep shining. This simple interaction that is born out of love reminds me that my wings are big, strong, and beautiful. I have made it through the darkness and I am surrounded by light even if I am tired. We all get tired, and you know what? That’s okay.
Each night I say goodnight to the Rebel Thriver tribe and leave a little note for any of them that might be struggling; tired from the daily push and pull of life. I tell them to hang on because tomorrow is a brand new day to start again. A clean slate. That’s the magic in life…if we are lucky we get to live to see another day. We get another chance to try again, even if we are tired…even me.