Learning to Work the Dimmer Switch.

As an artist I am full of emotional ups and downs.  I have tried to quell them with different things over the years.  I have realized though that my feelings are not meant to be turned off or dulled down.  I feel because I am alive and I am fully human.

The thing I struggle with the most is that often times my feelings are not subtle.  They do not take into consideration my day and what I need to do.  Sometimes it’s like my emotions are like a light switch and they turn on and off just like that.  It’s exhausting really.  I ask them to just go away nicely, but they are stubborn.

Recognizing this about myself is the most important thing.  I know that we are meant to feel.  We are not always going to like how we feel, but the fact that we can is so important.  I am grateful for that.  There was a long time where I couldn’t feel anything.  I had been so hurt and abused that I turned it all off.  I was numb.  No tears, no connection to myself.

That was then.  Now I can cry with abandon…to the point where I wish I could just turn the tears off.  Tears flow like a river…they take their own course.  So it is with my feelings.  I now feel and sometimes the intensity of these feelings are overwhelming.  I feel like a deer in the headlights and I want to run.  Sometimes I do; I run and turn inwards.

A friend once said to me that when you feel something bad you need to sit with it just as you would a happy feeling.  Feelings are much like waves…you pick the ones you want to surf.  He was right about that.  I am learning day by day what it means to choose my thoughts; my thoughts are directly linked to my feelings.  Understanding all of this is harder than it sounds most of the time.

I am a tsunami of creative energy.  There are days when the feelings are of fear and anger and other days they are one sweet, happy, and blissful trip.  Then there are the stormy days where the feelings all collide like the churning sea during a tempest and I feel like I am going to drown.  The currents run deep and work on pulling me down.  I am exhausted, but I still rise.  I always come back…usually stronger for it.

I need to remember that when I am feeling my most unsteady and uncertain, when I fall down…I always get back up.  That’s life.  We deal with it one day at a time.  If we can live in the present then we are half way there.  I cannot change how my feelings roll in.  I can only learn to be a better observer and student of them.  I also can teach myself how to use the dimmer instead of the light switch so that the contrast isn’t so stark.  

Finally, I can accept who, and how I am, and roll with it knowing that at the end of the day I am okay.  I am always going to get back up no matter how hard it is and no matter how hard it hurts.  It helps to have balance and I am working on using my dimmer switch with every crashing wave.

5 thoughts on “Learning to Work the Dimmer Switch.

  1. From one tidal wave to another: carry on sister!! I am so honored to be your friend. And this is, by the way, a thing I have struggled with a great deal over the years. I still struggle to cry, to feel, and to share my feelings. And far too often, I run and hide rather than sharing my vulnerabilities. I am so scared for others to see my vulnerable side. I fear that other people will think I am weak and needy and will leave me if they know the true mess that is me. Healing takes time . . . and patience with the road we’re traveling.

    1. Thank you El…It helps to write it out though doesn’t it? Patience is so key you are right, and you are far from a mess. You are an amazing person El. Thank you for your support as always. xo

  2. Me, I am a cryer…I never have an issue with letting it flow. Sometimes it is a huge emotional trauma but I am better able to handle my life afterwards. Once I had a buddy who watched me progress through some emotional upheaval concerning my partner and he was almost in awe of my ability to let it go…he actually said, “Wow! I wish someone felt that much about me.” LOL. But then again, when I get angry it too can be intense. What other people think,,,I don’t really give a fig.

    I am so glad to be in this group where people can share these things. It is so freeing to have a whole lotta someones to vent to and to get REAL response back! Wow, what a concept….communication. LOL! So many relationships have so little communication, just two people doing bump in the night until even that doesn’t satisfy any more.

    And I wasn’t really aware of this blog either, but now I am. I think blogging is going to become more prominent again since FB is implementing all those crazy stipulations and LIKE, SHARE, TAG changes. If you can lose your page AND FANS at the whim of some FB bigwig (or maybe even little wig) then having a blog to fall back on is going to be very worthwhile in securing your fanbase. The only thing is how to get those fans to join your blog site? I found that more difficult then securing LIKES on FB.

    Anyways, thanks for the post, the topic and the place to communicate! I’ll be back 🙂

    1. Serena, thank you for leaving a comment. Yes, this is the blog that started it all. This is where i started rebel Thriver. Little did I know what it would grow into . I am so glad that you are a part of the women’s group. You bring so much love and honesty into it. xoxo

  3. I am different, very controlled and very inside myself, it isn’t that I am numb my feelings are all there sometimes very close to the surface I just tend to rein everything in. Though I have a small temper it is reserved usually and even that is more like a controlled fire. I don’t know where it comes from, but I like what your friend said that we need to just sit with our feelings.

    Waves, perhaps I need to ride a few this coming week.

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