As an artist I am full of emotional ups and downs. I have tried to quell them with different things over the years. I have realized though that my feelings are not meant to be turned off or dulled down. I feel because I am alive and I am fully human.
The thing I struggle with the most is that often times my feelings are not subtle. They do not take into consideration my day and what I need to do. Sometimes it’s like my emotions are like a light switch and they turn on and off just like that. It’s exhausting really. I ask them to just go away nicely, but they are stubborn.
Recognizing this about myself is the most important thing. I know that we are meant to feel. We are not always going to like how we feel, but the fact that we can is so important. I am grateful for that. There was a long time where I couldn’t feel anything. I had been so hurt and abused that I turned it all off. I was numb. No tears, no connection to myself.
That was then. Now I can cry with abandon…to the point where I wish I could just turn the tears off. Tears flow like a river…they take their own course. So it is with my feelings. I now feel and sometimes the intensity of these feelings are overwhelming. I feel like a deer in the headlights and I want to run. Sometimes I do; I run and turn inwards.
A friend once said to me that when you feel something bad you need to sit with it just as you would a happy feeling. Feelings are much like waves…you pick the ones you want to surf. He was right about that. I am learning day by day what it means to choose my thoughts; my thoughts are directly linked to my feelings. Understanding all of this is harder than it sounds most of the time.
I am a tsunami of creative energy. There are days when the feelings are of fear and anger and other days they are one sweet, happy, and blissful trip. Then there are the stormy days where the feelings all collide like the churning sea during a tempest and I feel like I am going to drown. The currents run deep and work on pulling me down. I am exhausted, but I still rise. I always come back…usually stronger for it.
I need to remember that when I am feeling my most unsteady and uncertain, when I fall down…I always get back up. That’s life. We deal with it one day at a time. If we can live in the present then we are half way there. I cannot change how my feelings roll in. I can only learn to be a better observer and student of them. I also can teach myself how to use the dimmer instead of the light switch so that the contrast isn’t so stark.
Finally, I can accept who, and how I am, and roll with it knowing that at the end of the day I am okay. I am always going to get back up no matter how hard it is and no matter how hard it hurts. It helps to have balance and I am working on using my dimmer switch with every crashing wave.