We have all heard the old adage, “Beauty is only skin deep.”  It hit me today how false this is.  It’s one of those sayings that we grow up hearing over and over.  The intent is good, but it not really truthful.

In today’s world we are bombarded daily with false images of skinny women with flawless skin.  As a graphic artist I know all too well about the wonders of Photoshop. My fear is that many women, especially young girls do not realize this.  With the flick of a pen you can lengthen someones neck or legs, change the color of eye and hair, and drop 20 pounds.  Body parts of various individuals are blended to create the perfect woman for ad campaigns.  You ask if I am serious?  Yes, it this is the truth.  Our society has perpetuated the beauty myth for far too long and it is wrecking havoc on our collective self-esteem (women, men, girls, and boys).  Eating disorders are on the rise for both men and women and we are not helping anyone by buying into this myth.

I’m not going to lie…this effects me too.  I don’t always like who is looking back at me in the mirror.  I never feel thin enough, even when I barely have anything left to lose.  It’s the voice of self hate echoing through my head…you are never going to be good enough…you are never going to be thin enough.  The voice just echos through my head like a virus.  I’ve gotten better with it as the years have passed, but my poor body image seems to rear its ugly head more days than not.  I don’t think that many of us are free from this full on epidemic.

I was married to a man who told me I was going to amount to nothing, and that no one would ever love me after him.  He told me I was either too skinny or too fat. I was never good enough.  Those thoughts beat me up for a long time and I felt that what he said was true.  No one would ever love me or find me pretty; forget beautiful.  I mean how could they after he broke me so badly?  Abusive men like to find women with self-esteem issues to latch on to.  They know just how to push the ‘right’ buttons to make the woman feel even worse about herself.  It is one of their ways of controlling them.   I finally understood this when I left my husband.  I decided that I needed to love me for me, and that healthy was more important than perfect.  

Some of the most beautiful people I know are covered in battle scars both inside and out.  These battles, some won and some lost, have transformed them.   What matters is that you have a beautiful heart (a wry sense of humor is always welcome here). This is what I am passing on to my children: Be healthy, laugh often, listen well, and keep your heart beautiful…it doesn’t matter if you have perfect skin, a 4.0 GPA, or the body of Adonis.  What is truly important is that you love people for who they are and that you are loved the same way in return.

We should always question the old sayings because sometimes they just aren’t true.  Beauty is so much more than skin deep and we all need to remember that we are NOT the size of our jeans.  We are living, beautiful human beings and we need to re-teach ourselves how to love ourselves at a very base level.  I see too many women every day wasting time and shedding tears because they are not happy with the way they look.

Strive for healthy.  It’s amazing how good you will feel and look when you are healthy throughout.  Oh, and remember to thank your body everyday for getting you this far.

First of all I would like to ask, WHO ARE THE JONESES ANYWAY?  Where did they come from?  What makes them so special?  Why do I want to keep up with them?  Can someone please enlighten me???

Never mind the Joneses.  That’s what I have to say.  Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves everyday to be something that we aren’t?  Why do we put so much emphasis on material things?  We can’t take them with us, and they certainly don’t bring us more than momentary pleasures.  All things get old sooner or later and the cycle just continues.

I have a bit of experience with the Joneses you see.  I used to have a fancy job in the big city.  I did pretty well for myself and enjoyed a lot of nice stuff including, travel, restaurants, clothes, a fancy car, new technology, a large apartment, and just about anything I wanted.  Then one day it literally crumbled.  I lost it all.  Security is really a moving target.  You might think you have it all locked down, but it only takes one bad step to watch it slip away; sometimes it isn’t even your fault.

That’s life though…it certainly has its ups and downs.  Well, I picked myself up and brushed myself off and I found myself in a completely different life then I had ever imagined.  I was no longer living the urban dream.  When you live in a big city for a long time moving away isn’t always the easiest of things.  I cried and cried, and cried, and had a pity party for myself.  I missed the restaurants, shopping, and the buzz of the city.  I hated the pick up trucks and the lack of options that surrounded me.  But things were simple in my new life, and I had more time to focus on what was really important…rebuilding.

Just when you think you have it all figured out…you realize that you don’t!  Here I was living my simple little life feeling a bit like a fish out of water.  I felt as though I was in another country compared to where I came from.  I started to like the fact that people’s lives didn’t revolve around shopping and going out to eat. They couldn’t since there was nothing around but the big blue sea.  The transformation had begun.

Now my focus had shifted and I was living a new life.  When my oldest child started school I was shocked at what I found.  The Joneses lived in my new town too!  How could that be?  If they ever went into the city they would be completely overlooked and yet here they somehow carried some cache.  Lucky for me that I was over them.  I knew that what you have doesn’t make you who you are.  You are made up of your heart, mind, soul, family, friends, and the work that you do.  You are not what you park in the driveway.  I say we tell the Joneses to get a life.  I say we all focus on our own families and what is right for us.  Why give into the pressures of a superficial life?  That’s what it pretty much boils down to in the end.

We all have our ways to socialize and connect.  I spend my fair amount of time on Facebook.  Rebel Thriver has a page and a private discussion group for women.  The thing that I LOVE the most about FB is that we develop relationships with people not based on looks or class.  It is a level field for the most part and that is refreshing.  I care about who you are and your experiences.  I don’t really care about what kind of car you drive or the size of your house…that’s for the Joneses to worry about, not me.

The first time I read this quote I claimed it for my own.  “The super hero in me is tired.”  It’s true we all get tired…sometimes absolutely exhausted.  Dealing with emotions can be really tough stuff.  If you have survived anything in this life and found the gumption to keep on going this post is for you.

What is a super hero exactly?

Someone who manifests a super-ability or superpower and generally acts heroically –  is brave, self-sacrificing, and willing to combat threats against humanity.  They have a strong moral code, including a willingness to risk one’s own safety in the service of good without expectation of reward. 

I have no magical powers.  My kids might disagree, but it’s true.  I am an ordinary person who has had to live through extraordinary circumstances.  I have walked through fire and come out slightly burned, but stronger.  I have seen dark days that I thought would never end, but they miraculously did.  I am so grateful that I had the inner strength to hang on to the idea of what might be… I never gave up on hope.

Sometimes it can be tiring.  Sometimes we feel like the one who is there for everyone else, but needs someone to pick us up from time to time.  Let’s be honest…life has the ability to beat you up pretty awful.  Having a few other like-minded people is invaluable when you feel like this.  Don’t be ashamed to ask for a little magic.  Super heroes often work best in tandem (think Batman & Robin).  It’s not always easy spreading hope and joy, especially when you aren’t feeling it yourself.

Do you need super powers to be a super hero?  No. We are all capable of being an everyday HERO in so many ways. Never forget that you are not alone in this life.  You are important and you matter so very much.  Start in your own backyard.  When we focus on our own inner pain it’s easy to overlook others close to us suffering.  Don your invisible cape and tiara and take flight!

You need to BELIEVE in something and share it.  Don’t keep it to yourself…pass it on.  There are so many other people out there who feel the same way you do.  Together you can build an inspirational bridge to the future.  To reach out your hand to your fellow-man with no expectation of any returns is about one of the most fulfilling things you can do.  Do it from the heart and pay it forward.  you never know when someone else is in a darker place then you.  This is powerful stuff my friends.  Inspiration begets more inspiration.  Keep it moving forward and try to illuminate the world!  

The truth is that it doesn’t matter how long you are free…those damned triggers suck! They can derail you at a moments notice.  Just when you think you are gaining momentum and peace you can find yourself curled into a ball wondering what just happened.

Trigger: an emotional or physical reaction to something in the present that is connected to your past abuse.

Being sabotaged by triggers is hard to get used to.  Before I knew what a trigger was my emotions would take me on a ride.  No notice was given.  No bags were packed.  I had to take that trip, and often times it was to a dark terrifying place.

Understanding what a trigger is and how it affects you is the first step in learning how to deal with them.  You need to recognize them (all of them).  Triggers can be caused by a smell, music, or a shared story from a friend.  You may overhear a couple arguing or see a woman crying in public that can send you reeling off the page.  The sound of a doorbell can cause your heart to jump out of your chest.  It’s a hard reality to live with my friends.

I am hear to tell you that there is hope.  You can work your way through them with great care.  Most importantly though, you need to be gentle on yourself as you do.  I find that once an event has triggered a bad memory my heart starts to beat fast and the adrenaline surges through my veins.  My first reaction is fear.  When this happens I have to take a deep breath and hit the pause button.  This is when you need to think.  Take your time, breath, and think.  What just happened?  Why are you suddenly feeling like this?  Think about it.  Most of the time now I can approach these triggers with cognitive thinking; however, that initial blow still feels like a sucker punch.

Once you name your triggers it take some of the power away from them and gives it back to you.  This is really empowering my friends.  We walk the tight rope everyday hoping that we don’t get pushed off.  The truth is that there is no easy way around the triggers in your life.  You need to face them straight on, shoulders back, and head up.

I still have my triggers and I imagine that I will for some time.  They don’t disappear over night.  I can say with confidence that I have learned to overcome some of them.  This is monumental and gives me HOPE that I will conquer the remaining ones in my life.  I try to stay positive and when I feel triggered like I did just last night I do my best to stop, breath, and think it away.  You hold the power to face your triggers down.  Take your finger off the trigger and let it go.  Do not lose hope…I promise you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  It might look different from what you had hoped for, but it is light.  Embrace it.

I believe that we are all meant to soar.  Sometimes we forget how to fly or we never really learn how to from the start.  It happened to me; I forgot how to fly. Living in an abusive relationship for so long broke me down.  I forgot that I was the captain of my ship and I gave the wheel over to someone else.  My ex husband wanted my wings clipped so that I couldn’t fly.  This was his master plan.  Maya Angelou wrote a book called, “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.”  I love this book and I happen to know the answer too.  The caged bird sings to heal herself, and for the hope that one day the cage door will open.  If you are feeling like a caged bird right now, please don’t stop singing.  Sing out loud to yourself and anyone else who will listen. Stay focused on your freedom.

I know that this might sound easy to some of you, but it isn’t.  Strange things start to happen when you feel like your wings have been clipped.  Fear and anxiety begin to creep in and that’s when the self doubt takes over.  Self doubt is a dubious thing.  It can really hold you back. You were not created to be held back by anyone, let alone yourself!  I lived in this cage for a long time, so long that I forgot how to sing as well.  I was hurting and terrified, all alone with 2 small children to protect.  Anxiety and fear kept rearing their ugly heads and kept me down.  I was systematically being broken down over time.  Isolation was the plan; I wasn’t meant to have friends, and he wanted my family out.  Another thing about being locked in a cage is the amount of shame you feel.  You don’t want anyone to know you are there so you create diversions and tell white lies to make your life seem a little better than it really is.  How humiliating it would be for people that know and love you to actually see you suffer?!  It was pretty bad for me, so much so that I kept my mouth shut tight.  I kept my suffering to myself and I struggled with it alone.  Fear kept me trapped in that cage.  To the outside world I had it all going on…handsome husband, amazing career, and beautiful kids.  When it all crumbled not everyone believe me.  How could my life have been anything less then what I projected?  Denial is a very strong thing.

Everyday was a battle.  I was told that my children would be killed if I ever left him. I would cease to exist. I was told all the minute details of his plan and I was terrified.  The last 2 years I was with my ex husband I spent trying to figure out how the hell I would ever get out alive.  I thought that if I waited to break free I might be able to make a smooth transition.  Life is messy sometimes. We need to embrace the mess on occasion in order to leave it all behind us.  So that’s what happened.  One night we went out to dinner and we never went home.  My children and I flew the coup and made a break for it.  It wasn’t easy.  Those were some of my darkest days, but I am so grateful that I made that journey.  There is light at the end of the tunnel for those of you who are in a dark place and are tired.  You can get through whatever you are struggling with.  You can pick up the pieces of your life and start over. You are strong and you are meant to LOVE and be LOVED!

Don’t ever give up hope; somehow you will find your way.  Keep faith in yourself and know that you are stronger than you think.  We are put on this earth to flourish and shine.  We are worthy of so much but we forget this so easily.  Just remember that when you feel alone there are people who are ready to embrace you and help you along.  You have to let go of some of the fear and push past the anxiety to make room for it though.  You have to put yourself out there and be willing to let others love and help you find your way.  Sometimes we just need a flying lesson or two to help us launch back into flight.

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Sometimes sharing about yourself can feel like diving off a cliff. In fact, I have much trepidation about it, but I have decided that I am ready for a change. I’m tired of being called a survivor. Yes, survivor is better than victim, but it’s not enough. To say you are a survivor and to settle with that is like giving up. Please don’t give up… don’t ever give up. We were put here to live, laugh, and love unabashedly. Why give your life over to something or someone else? Shift your perspective. Take a chance. Keep moving forward. Thrive.

We are all survivors of something. I happen to be a survivor of domestic violence and my story is intense. It might take me a while to get it all out, but I will. My desire is to help other women who might be struggling on their journey. Life really is a journey so don’t get too caught up with the destination. It’s been 6 years since I escaped from my ex and it’s been one weird trip. Anyone who lives through a traumatic event is open to Post traumatic Stress Disorder.  For anyone who doesn’t know what PTSD is I want to ask you to look into it. It is a very real thing and it is incredibly hard to shake. Living as a dumpster for someone’s trash year after year can have a numbing affect in the end. In order to survive you develop coping skills; so as not to completely fall of the edge. You learn to disassociate and tune out. You develop triggers that are like minefields; they go off randomly. A doorbell begins to sound like an explosion; social anxiety sets in. I lived in a combat zone and it was a daily fight to survive.

It hasn’t been easy. I’ve had to give up almost everything I had, and everyone I knew.  I had to fight my abuser in court and in the street. In the end, I declare victory. You see I am that girl. I am the face of your neighbor, friend, or maybe even your sister. I am the girl who suffered in silence because she was so afraid she couldn’t even think for herself. I was in a marriage for 11 years with a man who systematically broke me down. He told me I was nothing and that no one would ever love me. He terrorized me daily.

I want to ask you to never give up hope. If you are in a dark place please keep a glimmer of hope alive.  Life awaits you.  I am shaking off the dust and I am getting ready to ROAR. I am FREE! I am FREE! I am FREE now.

It’s true.  Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and make a change. Believe me when I say ‘it’s not going to be easy‘.  It is going to take time, patience, planning, and a lot of self love.  You can do this.  Try a little hope and join me.  Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side of the road.