Mourning and Melancholia.

August 2, 2013 ~ Ella Hicks ~ 15 Comments

“Grief is different. Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life. – Joan Didion

Lately, I have been knocked on my ass by rogue waves. They come out of no where as the term “rogue” would have it, and I am left holding on to whatever I can in order to find balance. It’s always a temporary balance though. The kind you get when you grab for a railing on a boat so you don’t fall in. Remove it and your under.

So, here I am shattered. The waves of grief are coming more frequently and in rapid succession. I am finding it difficult to hold my breath. I have my shovel in hand and I am going deep. Here on this page with these words I can tunnel safely to soul. The pen penetrates my soul while the ink draws blood that oozes down the page.

Grief it truly has no distance. It shows up like an uninvited guest on a bad night. It is the single strongest trigger of my tears, and when the wave hits it is paralyzing. When we grieve the loss of someone we often get half way and then stick a bandage on our heart and move on. Life beckons to us and tells us that we have to get back to the art of living. I agree with this…however, the bandage comes up sometimes when we least expect it. Until we are fully through with the grieving then we are going to be hit with the waves.

I have lost many friends over the years. Their are times when the people we have lost are still living and we must let go of them for whatever the reason. As hard as it might be there is no finality in that truly, for they are still walking and breathing and the chance to make amend is always there; and if we chose not to then it is for good reason and there is peace there.

I have lost many friends to death. Too many for someone my age. There have been car crashes, shootings, overdoses, disease, hit and runs, suicide, and broken hearts; you name it. I learned at an early age that life is incredibly fragile and precious. I have grieved these friends and made my peace with their passing. I know that they are okay and that they are infinite…far beyond us, above us, below us, and all around us. This is my truth.

There is one that cripples me though and as I try to type this my hands shake. The love of my life passed less than two years ago. It was quick like lightning and un-expected. He was not perfect, in fact at first meeting I knew he was just a friend…a best friend for eternity. I had met my match in a person; he wasn’t perfect, but he was so fucking real. It didn’t take long before I fell in love with him, and I knew this because the earth shook beneath me. Can a person have more than one soul mate in a lifetime?

“Is love a wound that deepens as it dreams?” – Erica Jong

He is gone now. I thought I was okay, but lately these waves of grief keep knocking me down. I feel him, hear him, and sometimes I even catch a glimpse of him. It’s not only me…my son does too. When he comes and tells me, I smile and just remind him how much he loved him and that when it is his time to pass over, Roger will be waiting for him. There is no fear in death for him. That was his gift to my son.

How do you get past a broken heart when the soul you loved is all around you, coloring your world, and whispering in your ear. It might be timeto let you know that while this might sound crazy to some people it is normal for me. I have always had these gifts. They have always be welcome and I have accepted them. It’s no different with him. The truth is I want to tell him to go away, leave me alone, and let me be. I can’t though because then I would be alone and he would be gone. When an artist meets another artist in love it is a very intense union. All bets are off and all boundaries are re-written. Death cannot separate them.

So I write. I will continue to write until I have come to terms with this in my life. I don’t fight the grief…when the wave hits I cry. I cry at home, in the grocery store, at the doctors, but mostly on the beach. He wrote me a letter a week before he passed over which I received from his mother at the funeral. It was full of hope for the future and LOVE for me and the kids. The story wasn’t over…there was more to come; then he died.

This is not over. The writing will come for as long as the grief lives within me. I will find my peace along the way. It’s hard. I just want him back. I want to find a replacement. I want to stop hurting. I want someone in the flesh to love as much as I loved him. I want someone to love me as much as he loved me. So, I will write, I will cry, and I will not stop until I have healed myself. I will purge my soul. There is hope here. I feel it, and I know it, because it is what I want. XO Ella

Make it Count.

July 26, 2013 ~ Ella Hicks ~ 8 Comments

My name is Ella and I lived in an abusive marriage for almost 11 years. Ultimately, my children and I could not walk away; we had to run fast and hard to escape. I turned my back on 20 years of life, our home, my amazing career, and all of our friends. There was no farewell party for us, just dust left in our wake. Sometimes it’s just that bad; sometimes you have to hide.

As a result, my little tribe and I live a pretty simple existence. It’s hard to build a new life when you are always looking over our shoulder. The result of the abuse is chronic PTSD and anxiety. The truth is that not all wounds are visible; after the bruises heal the soul is left deeply scarred and I am left to always look over my shoulder. People like to ask questions, but the answers give away clues to our history and our history is still chasing us. We stay low.

I started Rebel Thriver as a way to connect to others and to share my story. I created a community that I desired and need to thrive rather than just survive, and I knew that I was not alone. The label of survivor wasn’t comfortable for me; I needed more. I so desperately wanted others to see that they could have it too…you can choose to thrive in spite of your situation.

I believed that Rebel Thriver could help people have a new perspective, help them to change their lives; what has happened is that it has changed mine. Everyday, thousands of people join into the conversation to share their thoughts, fears, and to support others…people they will probably never meet. It has become a blessing beyond my wildest dreams. We have built a tribe of people who virtually hold each other’s hands through the ups and downs of life.

We only get one chance at this sweet life, so I encourage everyone to wake up and live…remember that this is not a dress rehearsal. You may have been knocked down, but that story does not have to define you, for you hold the pen to the story of your life. Raise your eyes to the sky, throw your shoulders back, and put on your imaginary crown and say, “Today is the first day of the rest of my life”. Make it count.

Love, Ella

Wild at Heart.

July 22, 2013 ~ Ella Hicks ~ 21 Comments

“This whole world’s wild at heart and weird on top.” – Lula

It’s been a wild ride, my life. Most day’s I just go about the business of being me; mother, daughter, friend, and perpetual rebel with a cause. Other day’s my reality, or shall I say the disbelief that I have lived this life…survived this life; stops me in my tracks. I shake my head sometimes trying to make it all sink in. It can’t; my skin is too thick now…almost an armor from all the years.

I am far from my golden years yet. I don’t yet have the luxury to recline on the front porch and watch the sunset of my years slowly descend. I am not at the point in my life where I can sit and remember with the wisdom of detachment of all the chapters that have made up my life so far. I am in it knee-deep right now; living it all.

How did a girl like me end up with a life-like this? Good question. Here’s the simple answer…low self worth. That was a hard nut to crack, but I did after many years of research in the field that has left me with a quick reflex and a fight or flee disposition.
I am still learning to be me and it’s a process that I know will never end; although the path is getting smoother lately.

I come across hardline to many. I am. I know this gives some people the false idea that I think I am better than them. I don’t. If anything, I know that with every person that comes across my path, every soul in need of a little pep talk, I see myself. Life has ever so nicely handed me some really beautiful lessons. They have left me a little sore, scarred, and tattered; i have a shabby chic soul and I am okay with that.

“Love is the whole thing, we are only pieces.” – Rumi

Growing up for me was a piece of cake compared to so many. I come from a big loving family that was financially stable; and I knew that my dreams were always within hands reach. All this being said I struggled with depression, substance abuse, anxiety, eating disorders, lack of self-esteem, sexual abuse, and anxiety. It was a lot of emotional weight to carry; that i remember.

In the end, it’s not in the surviving that has made me the person I am today, but rather the persevering through it all when I really felt like running and hiding under the bed.
My personal survival list has grown almost too big. I don’t always want to feel and identify with so many, but still the connections grow. That happens when you walk the talk and hold the tight line.

So to those of you who have had some sucker punch experiences I want you to know that when I say, “I feel you.” I really do. I feel it all the way into my soul. The old adage is true, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” I have done a pretty good job of keeping mine in tip-top shape. Open the front flap and you will see that I go deep, and sometimes dark. It is all a part of me. If the dark parts didn’t run so deep I am sure that I wouldn’t shine as brightly.

I am you and you are me. In this fellowship of man we find ourselves, our true names, and our tribe. There is no one out there that can tell me something about myself that I haven’t already examined. I have torn myself apart in my attempt to fix it all. In the end I realized that just like a beautiful patchwork quilt I am perfect in all my pieces, and I am in no need of fixing…just a little mend every now and then. XO Ella

Light, Shadows & Balance.

July 7, 2013July 7, 2013 ~ Ella Hicks ~ 10 Comments

It will always take a light to shine in order create a shadow. Shadow is just another word for shade…which is really quite lovely on a hot sunny day. A perfect example of balance. Now, if you look close enough to either sides of this result you can find darkness. Yes, even in the light. Too much sun without protection (sunscreen or shade) and you will get burned. Too much darkness and you will not get your Vitamin D, etc., so forth and so on.

You desire a life filled with just love and light? Sorry, not possible. Anyone who says otherwise is just offending the Universal Principal of Balance. Yes, it’s true…there is in fact a principal for Balance. It kinda flows like this:

Success & Failure
Hot & Cold
Joy & Sadness
Pleasure & Pain
Health & Sickness

And so forth and so on….

This is just how the game of life is. You don’t get to have just all of the fun parts. No exceptions and this goes for everyone. Even animals understand this; birds fly south every winter so they won’t die. They may not like it, but it has to be done. Maybe that’s why they continue to drop bombs on unsuspecting humans along the way…they think we have it better. We don’t. (If only my wings could take me south every winter I promise that I would take bathroom breaks).

Anyway, what goes up must come down so it is better if we can just learn to accept it. (just don’t look up while walking under a flock of migrating birds). We need to accept it in ourselves and in the bigger scheme of things (talking about our planet here). The Universe is really just held together by balancing a bunch of positive & negative electrical energy; and quite well I might add. This provides us with a nice place to place our feet so we can dance the night away if we choose. It’s really just simple physics (dancing included) and when you can see and accept this flow of positive and negative energy in your life, then harmony & balance will be the result. Negative things are always going to happen and as soon as you can accept this then the sooner you will learn to balance yourself and go with your flow.

The other night my friend sent me a message in the middle of the night. He was distraught with the affairs of our world. He was bent from the burden of the pain he was shouldering… all darkness. He reached out to me and asked me how I did it. How did I manage to send out messages of positivity day in and day out? How could I shine my light so consistently in such darkness? My response was…Balance.

For every action there is a reaction. For every stab that the darkness makes I duck and fight back with a shot of love. Yes, it can be exhausting, especially if I am not balanced within myself. As a mother and a member of the human race (a race that requires daily training I might add) I cannot sit back and let the darkness take over. I fight for balance.

If we spend our entire time looking for the negative in life, the universe will NOT disappoint us. I know that there are times when our batteries need charging, when we should seek out the light, but when we reach out to it we recoil. What we would really prefer would be to run and hide in the tight dark space under our beds in… the false hope that we will find balance hiding under there. Psst…you won’t. It’s a better practice to find a friend and kick the darkness in the but Ninja style. Nobody gets a free pass, $200 dollars, and is allowed to pass go. Rules of the game.

I struggle with this daily just like everyone else. I was a dancer and a gymnast and without balance in the physical world I wouldn’t have had a chance. Same goes for our psyche. Sometime peace can be found in the darker rooms of our mind, but it’s always nice to know where the light switch is. A person who dedicates their life to spreading light and teaching the principal of balance is often referred to as a Light Worker. I love this name because it is such an active one – it holds energy. Light Worker sounds like the perfect name for a super hero brigade. Yes, capes are always welcome.

This is life baby. We can’t change it and the sooner we accept that what goes up must come down, the sooner we will start moving to the groove of love. Eventually, we all learn to play this game. Wouldn’t you rather take a lovely stroll down a beautiful path then go sky diving in a tornado?

And so it goes, the tight walk with light and dark on the way to find balance.
One cannot exist without the other. I know that it all feels too big sometimes, but it really isn’t. Understanding that with simple physics and a lot of love you are well on your way to mastering the game. Sometimes its 2 steps forward and then 3 steps back, but you can’t give up. You can learn this dance…listen for the harmony in the universe, and maybe wear your cape. XO Ella

Love, drugs, and other vices.

June 30, 2013 ~ Ella Hicks ~ 38 Comments

“Showing out, showing out, hit and run

The boy meets girl and the beat goes on

Stitched up tight, can’t stay free

Love is the drug, got a hook on me

Oh, catch that buzz

Love is the drug for me” (Roxy Music)

I like to think that I am a healthy girl. I mean I just gave up caffeine. Hard to imagine I know, but I did it. I like to eat healthy…organic when possible, and take care of this body that my soul resides in. I would say that I do a pretty good job and being a care taker of my physical being; my heart is another issue entirely… perhaps another blog post for another day.

I watch people trash their bodies all the time with so many of today’s go to vices, and I am so grateful that I do not have an addictive personality. I drink occasionally and I eat my greens. Okay, sometimes I smoke them, but that’s my herbal remedy.
No drugs…that ship sailed when I was nineteen so it’s hard for me to see adults popping pills and other recreational drugs. You might recall me losing someone to drugs not long ago. It’s still hurts and haunts my sleep. Drugs stole him away and I hate them for that.

Recently, I had a reality check… You see I have been raised to think that when the doctor gives you something it is okay and it is NOT a drug. I was wrong. It’s not news, but if you are tuning into this blog for the first time then you should know that I have issues with Anxiety, and I have PTSD from living in a horribly abusive marriage. Years of emotional, verbal, psychological and physical abuse took its toll on me. Everything in life has its pro’s and con’s. This is the con…my beautiful kids are my pro; they are the silver lining.

I am proactive by nature and so I have tried many therapies to help with my flashbacks and triggers. I have come a long way and I am really proud of myself for how hard I continue to work on myself. In addition to this I take medication that has been prescribed by my doctor to keep me steady. I had been a member of Prozac Nation for many years and it had really helped me to keep an even keel.

This past year knocked me on my ass though. In October we were hit by a huge hurricane that nailed the East Coast. The kids and I ended up having to move a few times before we found our current home. It was a bit stressful to put it lightly, and it really took its toll on my youngest son. Adults are not the only ones who can suffer from anxiety. Kids are resilient, but there is a breaking point and I think we found it in February. It was at this point that I felt the floor starting to drop out on me; watching my son struggle so much was more than I felt I could bear, and my anxiety spiked.

It was at this time that my doctor decided that I needed a little more help so he switched my medication to Effexor; a drug which has proven very effective for PTSD. Now as I have mentioned before I don’t abuse my body and I am incredibly sensitive to any medication. It took me 2 long weeks to adjust to the lowest dosage, but I hung in there because the doctor told me too.

Fast forward 4 months… this medication has really screwed with me. It turned my system upside down and I recently decided, along with my doctor to stop taking it. Here’s the kicker…this has a 4 week weaning time. There is NO way that I can do that. Knowing that that pill is poison to my system is too much for me to knowingly put it in my body. I might advise someone else to listen to their doctor, but this girl is listening to her body. I went cold turkey and for the first time I understand what it feels like to be going through withdrawal.

As I type this I am on day 4 of withdrawal and feeling like shit. It’s pretty scary to tell you the truth and I empathize with all those who struggle with trying to get clean. I wanted to write about this though so that it might help someone else. This is the reason I write. It’s not always easy to be so open, but I feel this is important. My doctor prescribed a legal drug for me and it screwed me up worse than any illegal drug I have ever done. I am grateful that I see the lesson amidst my discomfort.

What will I do once I work through this? I am not sure. My only true vices are chocolate and love. I don’t think that chocolate will help with anxiety, but Love? Love is the universal balm. Maybe I just haven’t connected to the right dealer for that yet. I’m going to keep trying though. In the meantime, it is one day at a time. Please be careful of anything you put in your body…you only get one and it houses your soul. XO Ella

Circle Back.

June 15, 2013June 15, 2013 ~ Ella Hicks ~ 14 Comments

“When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow.” – Shauna Niequist

And so it goes day in and day out as we live our lives. Planning and dreaming for what we hope will manifest in our lives. I often speak of my life in relation to the tides. I imagine this is because the sea is my next door neighbor and her tides, along with the moon have so much influence on my life. Life truly is about ebb and flow. We receive and we give, win and lose, we experience joy and sadness, health and sickness, and ultimately we see birth and death. The circle of life is no joke. How ironic that man used to think the world as flat; and how brave they were to sail their ships out past the horizon wondering if they would just drop off the edge into oblivion following their dreams.

Life really is about circling back though, isn’t it? I like this idea and it always comforts me when I pull the short stick. There are countless quotes out there in reference to this very subject too.

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.” – Helen Keller

“In every end, there is also a beginning.” – Libba Bray

“Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.” -Oprah Winfrey

“A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars.” – Carly Simon

In the end we are all saying the same thing…circle back. We may be on the precipice feeling like we have conquered our world, when the foundation starts to crumble and we fall. Flat. It happen’s to all of us and it doesn’t get any easier…we just get wiser. It is in our weakness that we will find our strength if we are open to it. If we are prepared to sit amongst the rubble and ask the question, “Why?”

It at these moment’s in our lives that we must push ourselves to raise our heads and not give into the gravitational pull of depression. I admit it isn’t easy and sometimes I find that I am just so tired that I am tempted to sink into the soft cushion of despair and wallow for a moment. I have learned thought that the longer I do the harder it is to get up and out for that soft cushion is more like quicksand. It will continue to suck your energy and your confidence; your self-worth and your essence right along with it.

“In the depth of Winter I found in me an invincible Summer.” – Albert Camus

So here sitting in the rubble after falling from the highest high we have found that life has yet again circled back on us. I can’t tell you how many times I have experienced this. It took me years to realize that I had to ask “Why?” Not a hypothetical one, but a serious and informed “Why?” I wanted to know how in defeat I could find victory. What I learned was this…

Life does not break us. It bends us and molds us into who we are meant to become if we are open to it. I used to think of myself as broken, but not anymore. That person learned a few years ago that she cannot break. I may bend low like the trees in a storm, but like the trees my roots are deep. The hardest part for me is having patience. It is not something I struggle with in other people…it is a self infliction of sorts. I don’t like fumbling around with the pieces trying to figure out why puzzle fell apart…i just want to start fresh and get on with it. This has been my Achilles heel because I have repeated the same mistake over again; I didn’t take the time to ask,”Why?”

When I hit the bottom I just want to hit the reset button and GO! It doesn’t work like that, and anyone who thinks it does is really fooling themselves. Healing takes time. Learning takes time. We all know that Rome wasn’t built-in a day. So, neither shall our lives. I am learning that when I am in the process of working through a tough life situation that I need to breathe. I need to take time for myself to be more introspective. I need to ask “Why?” and “What am I meant to learn from this?” In the end, time is a wise leader. Seven years ago I never thought I would be where I am now . It would have seemed impossible for me to get here. Then again, in other ways I never thought I would be here now trying to learn lessons that I wish I had learned so long ago. Life is funny like that.

“If life knocks you down seven times…get back up eight.” – unknown

“To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.” – Hellen Keller

The point here is that I am a bit down as I write this, but in the very act of writing this I am learning what I need to know and I am getting back up. I am hopefully helping someone else get back up too. For in the end we all will fall…countless times. Every time you consciously work through your stumbles you will build a stronger foundation. The falls won’t stop because that’s life and we don’t have control. In the end you will see that everything circles back, but the hope is that we learn to handle it better. You really are worth the time and the energy. You really are worth your own effort. XO Ella

“Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.” – Janis Joplin

Finding Ella.

April 23, 2013April 24, 2013 ~ Ella Hicks ~ 20 Comments

She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went. It’s easier to feel the sunlight without them, she said. – Brian Andreas

I am on my journey; well into it in fact. Just when I think I am making ground, life socks it to me. Maybe it is to keep me humble. To remind me that I am far from perfect and that life will forever be a continuous classroom for me. I am an eager student as I don’t much like pain or heartache. Yet somehow I always manage to find my way stuck back in the corner with the dunce hat on.

Today I am really hurting. I had a miserable fight last night with my boyfriend who happens to be my dear friend too, as it should be. Anyway, it didn’t last long…maybe 10 minutes, but there was anger sprawled all over the walls in invisible ink. The things we said were true…it was how we felt at the time. However, anger has a nice way of taking one thought and making it morph into something so much bigger at times.

No matter what happens I am not shattered. I shattered years ago and I really don’t think it can happen again to me. Last night, I was ANGRY, HURT, and I felt BETRAYED. Yes, I cried many tears and I woke up this morning looking like I had puffer fish for eyes. I guess that’s when the shock hit. I hate this fight because it was so stupid and there was no reason for it. I try so hard to be open and honest. However, a partnership takes two people and the other person in this one has a hard time expressing himself. It built up on both sides, and it just exploded. What a mess we can make of our lives in a split second. If only we could go back in time for a minute and take back that one response. Alas, we cannot and life rolls out as it does and we are left to choose how we want to respond and react to all the things, including ourselves.

I regret that argument. I regret the fact that we hurt each other. I regret the fact that he is so stinking unhappy with me. I wish I could change it, but I can’t. I can only change myself and how I proceed from this point forward. Today, I decided to be a detective. I wanted to delve deep into what preceded this argument and what was said to try to figure out the ‘why’ on a deeper level. I had to go deep, not to discover his flaws, but to find out why I keep finding myself in this situation.

I survived an abusive marriage. I then fell in love with a man who died a few years later. My current love is an amazing person. Yes, he has faults and shortcomings but so do we all. I hate fighting…I spent years literally defending my life as a married woman. I can’t do fights…I hate them. I lose myself in them. Usually, I try to just stop them before they start. Yes, I know that this is NOT healthy. It is a remnant from the past where I walked on eggshells to keep the peace. Oddly enough today I accepted the fact that I have still been up to my old tricks. I am not writing to place blame on anyone here. There is no fault to be had…this is life. Relationships are hard work, communication is key, and arguments happen.

The other day I read something from Melody Beattie that nearly knocked me over:

“….I know. We didn’t get loved the way we wanted. Some of us have spent years picking through the messy issues of parents who had unusual ways of showing love or who didn’t show love at all.

We may have had spouses who were dreadful at showing love. Issues like alcoholism and other dysfunctions can genuinely interfere with a person’s ability to love. Some of us took that personally.We looked around and the only conclusion we could come up with is that we weren’t lovable.

Some of us need to grieve the absence of love in our family of origin. We may have missed an important emotional lesson while growing up, and we barely realize it. That lesson is understanding how lovable we are.

Some of us learned to protect ourselves by caring for others, while refusing to let love into our own lives. We found that it is easier to shut down and not be open to love, rather than be denied love.”

Revelation. I read it again today after my ugly argument of last night. As always I had an impromptu therapy session with my best friend. It wasn’t what you might think…two women bashing on the guy. No, I wanted to understand what the hell was going on with me. I was glimpsing the big picture, but I couldn’t make it out clearly. I think that now I can finally see clearly the pieces to the jumble of the puzzle that is my life.

Just to recap with you: I had a lovely childhood, but I was one of many. I guess I needed more attention then I got because I can remember feeling misunderstood and in the way. I don’t blame my folks…I know how hard it is to be a parent. It’s just how it was. I am an empath and incredibly sensitive to others pain. I didn’t need more, I just needed someone to understand me. Childhood morphed into an unhappy adolescence which is par for the course for many. Still feeling completely misunderstood I moved into adulthood. I had a successful career and accolades, but as soon as I started having serious relationships I was so off my game.

Today, I pieced some of the puzzle together. I never felt like I fit in, was understood, or good enough. As a result I felt a lot of inner pain growing up despite the fact that from all angles I was a pretty well-adjusted kid. I didn’t know what to do when I met people who were in emotional pain. It drew me in like a magnet. I felt I could help them because I understood and felt their pain deep into my bones. I was not taught to have healthy boundaries and this is the crux of my problem. Today, I decided that I was going to figure out the common thread that ran through all the men I have had relationships with in order to help heal myself and grow.

I found it, and I didn’t have to do much forensic work. It was staring me down… straight on. All my relationships have been with men who while lovely, have had tumultuous youths. Without meaning any harm, I naturally wanted to help them; even though they didn’t ask for it. I have an incredibly strong personality and I want to help; apparently even at my own expense. My pain as a child allowed me to attract the same in a partner. I guess I always thought that I could love the pain away. You would think that after my marriage I would have learned…not so much. Sure, I put up boundaries, but they couldn’t protect me from something that I really didn’t understand until today. I have attracted partners that I felt were broken like me so I could feel understood. Feeling understood would allow me to feel loved and accepted. It doesn’t work this way friends. It is time for me to leave these pieces in the past and move forward with open eyes.

I need to see myself and how I relate to partners in a new light. I need to accept that I am lovable and I deserve to be loved by a healthy and whole person who can balance me. It is NOT my job to save anyone but myself; nor educate anyone but my children. I think that today I passed with an A. Unfortunately, I had to hit the emotional exploding point with someone I love very much to get it. True love conquers all…I do believe this. I am not talking about the love of romance, but deep soulful love. My favorite poet Kahlil Gibran said, “So as love crowns us so shall it crucify us.” I am realistic in these matters; I know that all roads in life have bumps in them. The kind of love I am looking for might not be attainable. However, I know if I keep working on being a better me and making better choices then I have HOPE. I know what I need to look for and what I need to avoid; and I certainly know that it is NOT my job to save anyone but myself. It isn’t possible for me to give anyone back a happy childhood…even myself.

So, I have picked myself up and I have kicked my ego out the door. This is the real deal; life is bumpy. True relationships are hard work, but they are worth it. It has been said that “We attract the love we think we deserve”. This has an all new meaning for me today. I have chosen to forgive and let go. I commit to being a better version of me, and to let go of the pieces of me that no longer serve me. I am lovable and I am worthy of the same kind of love that I have to give to someone. Here’s to better choices and learning life’s lessons quicker! Xo Ella

The Cycle.

March 16, 2013March 18, 2013 ~ Ella Hicks ~ 30 Comments

I had an “Ah ha” moment this week. It was really more of an “Oh my GOD, get your head outta your arse” moment. I am not too proud to admit when I feel as though I have been foolish…dumb…oblivious. DENIAL really is a powerful thing.

Now, for those of you who are immediately reading this and saying, “Ella, don’t be so hard on yourself.” I am here to tell you that I am okay. I have a wicked sense of humor and while I don’t use it on other people while I encourage and support them along on their journey, it is a part of my heritage and it helps me to get on with it. It’s how I deal personally. So, that being said…I am okay and ever so grateful that I have seen the light finally.

This is a pretty tough thing for me to admit, but I need to share it in order to own it. Maybe it will open someone else’s eyes to their own situation. So, here it goes… As many of you know I am a survivor of Domestic Violence. I have become an advocate for many women over the past few of years and I am always referring back to the Cycle of Violence chart that we have all come to know so well. For those of you who do not know about this incredible Cycle of Violence let me give you a very quick lesson.

It really is this simple. I could get into a wordy explanation, but this diagram pretty much explains it all very simply. If you would like more information just Google, Cycle of Abuse and you will become very well-informed. Sometimes the cycles might be a year apart, and other times they might be hours apart. DV victims are systematically broken down over time. The cycle starts and it grows stronger, bigger, and bolder before the victim ever realizes that they are in it. Being aware and educated is the first step in breaking the cycle.

I broke the cycle. I took my 2 young children and fled and extremely abusive marriage. I recognized the cycle and I knew that I could NOT allow my children to grow up in it or they would perpetrate the same cycle as adults. I chose to leave. I thought that by leaving I broke the cycle…this week I learned that I was wrong.

This is a very humbling experience for me. I educate people about this…I run groups for women. I am in the KNOW. This past week my “Ah ha” moment was that I was allowing my youngest child, my baby, to perpetuate the cycle in my home. He had been given control, by me. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Talk about a hard pill to swallow.

Let me give you a little background here; my son struggles with anxiety. He has been misdiagnosed as having ADHD, OCD, ODD, and etc. PTSD is really the only thing that fits right now. We are still working towards the missing puzzle pieces for him at the moment. Keep in mind that he is an amazing child; brilliant, funny, loving, and a love of my life. However, his anxiety issues have always caused him to act out. Yes, ever since he was a baby in the crib. He has been quick to upset and hard to soothe. It has been suggested that he might have Asperger’s Syndrome; we continue on our journey to find the key to unlock the mystery of him.

Here’s the thing. When you live with a person who is easy to upset you can start to tip toe around their triggers. You in fact start to walk on eggshells and just try to keep them calm, keep the peace in order to have some sort of peace. This is exactly what I have been dealing with. We have been going through a crisis lately and as a result we have brought in new therapists. It was this weeks session that brought the curtain down for me.

I had left my husband and the cycle of violence behind, only to find that I was continuing to let similar behavior perpetuate in my home from my son. It is not my son’s fault….it is mine. I have been the enabler. Wow. Talk about a slap upside the head. My other child gave such a simple example that summed it all up so nicely. He said, “I am tired of eating Vanilla ice cream. I like other flavors, but we always get Vanilla so he doesn’t throw a fit. Vanilla keeps the peace.”

Did I mention to you that I had an “Ah ha” moment this past week?! Holy Shit.
What more can I say…I just laid it all out for you. My youngest son has some issues that I need to get a handle on. In the meantime, I am learning how to take the control back since he has had all the control in this house since his father left. I have given him the control…not intentionally, but because it was what I was programmed to do. I would NEVER allow another man to treat me this way, but I was allowing my son to do so.

I am taking parenting lessons to teach me how to raise my son in a manner in which is best suited for him and his special needs. I am taking back the control and I am going to allow him to be him in all his glory; he just doesn’t get to rule the house with his outbursts. All along I was thinking that his issues dictated our life…we rolled with the punches. However, I have now learned that while he may have special needs he still needs to follow a code. I have allowed him to emotionally manipulate and control this home and it has now stopped.

It is not going to be easy. I am already exhausted, but I have such HOPE. I KNOW that my son is going to be okay. I know that I have caught this in time to help change this bad cycle. I know that he is going to grow into an amazing man and that his brother will have time to heal as well. My children are as different as night is to-day. I have always known that not all children respond to the same type of teaching. What I didn’t realize was that because I was so used to being in the cycle of walking on egg shells around my ex husband that I just continued to do it with my child because it is what I know.

I am not beating myself up over this, but yes, I feel a bit foolish. Why didn’t I see this? The point is that now I do and I am going to do the work and make the changes that I need to make. In the end we will all be happier and I have such an optimistic outlook for our futures. I share this with you so that you can perhaps learn from my mistakes. The cycle of violence is a very real and powerful thing. Once we are conditioned it is very hard to break. If you have left an abusive relationship…I am so proud of you. If you have children please make sure that you are aware that you can still be subject to it. There is hope…the cycle can be broken, but you will need help and support.

Today, I have incredible support and we are on our way. We are going to find out exactly what is troubling my child and we are going to learn healthy and positive ways to deal with it. I am not going to break him by being a strong mother. I am a strong woman…I have walked through fire to save these kids, and to give us a new life. I am not going to surrender to a cycle that I thought I had run from, only to find out that I had become the enabler of the cycle in my home, and with my own child.

Life is hard, but we must always strive to be better versions of ourselves. We must never settle for less. We can have balanced healthy lives no matter what our circumstances may be. We need to commit to the idea that we are WORTHY of being treated with respect and love in all situations.

XO Ella

Rise Up.

March 8, 2013 ~ Ella Hicks ~ 12 Comments

Many years ago I lived as a prisoner in an apartment that most wouldn’t recognize as a cell. I don’t like to go back there in my head…there are some scary memories that lurk there. The truth is that no matter how much work I have done on releasing my past, some nightmares never leave you. Oh you can face them, forgive, and continue to grow, but the visual images in your head, the body memories of the fear and pain, they don’t necessarily leave you. Those are the feelings that are lodged in our primitive brains…they exist and you need to figure out how to manage them. I have chosen to turn my back on them for the most part. I don’t bury them, because some fear is healthy to have…it can save your life.

I have been thinking about my past in contrast to my present. I started Rebel Thriver because I wanted my experience to serve as a beacon to others…DON’T YOU DARE GIVE UP. There truly is a light at the end of the tunnel and I know this because I have found it. There is not a day that goes by that I am not incredibly grateful…I know what I have and I know how far I have come. Today, we celebrate the International Day of Women; I decided to celebrate my freedom by sharing with you a little of my story in the hopes that it will bring someone else hope.

Ten years ago my favorite word was Freedom. I used it as my anchor word. When the shit was hitting the fan as it so often did I would repeat “Freedom” over and over in my head. I knew that although I was living in an abusive marriage that freedom still existed for me and my children. I didn’t know how I would find it, but I knew that I couldn’t give up on the dream. From the exterior no one knew how bad it truly was behind that apartment door. When the door opened I was dressed and ready to go…appearances were always up. I had truly perfected my performance over the years. When I look back at it I feel as though I am watching a movie that is staring some other woman.

Freedom: the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint.

I clung to the idea of freedom as I locked myself in the bathroom to find solace. I clung to freedom when my husband came home drunk, angry, and looking for a fight. I clung to freedom when he stopped taking his medication and decided that he was going to do whatever it was that he wanted to do. I clung to freedom as I pushed my babies around town in an overused stroller, trying to kill time so as not to have to go “home”. I clung to freedom when I was trying to formulate a plan of escape…a plan that I knew I had to get right or the consequences would be high. So high in fact that failure was not an option. I was scared to death. Literally.

The good new is that I sit here and write about this now as if it were a bad dream…i am no longer connected to it. I found my freedom. I sacrificed the life i knew for Freedom and in doing so I found a new life. I wish it was as easy as that last sentence rolls off the tongue, but it wasn’t. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and it went on for years. It was during this time after the kids and I escaped, while I was relishing my new-found freedom, that my anchor word changed to HOPE.

I had made the great escape; No more terrorist attacks in the middle of the night. No more violence for my children to bear witness to. No more yelling………. Over night I had become a refugee in my own country. The law didn’t hold up its end of the bargain…it let my children and I down. So while I had my freedom, it wasn’t safe for me to use it. I was still under his thumb and I had to be vigilant 100% of the time. There were no holidays for this mother. I was on call 24/7 and I couldn’t fall asleep on my watch if I wanted to stay alive. It took a lot to get out of bed back then. It was so hard, and I had two little children; one with special needs.

I kept going though. A spark of HOPE was inside of me and I don’t know if I was dumb or stubborn, but I kept getting out of bed every single day. I kept doing what I had to do. The truth is though that my worst day was so much better then my best day had been before I found my freedom. Even though I was completely overwhelmed I kept going. I had no goal other than to stay alive and take care of my children. I tried to make everyday fun for them. I tried to make it an adventure. It’s so hard to smile when you feel no joy though. As a matter of fact I felt nothing; I was numb. Working through that was a challenge to say the least.

Hope: Hope is the state which promotes the belief in an outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. The opposite of despair.

Fear causes you to numb out the pain and if you want to move on and grow you need to face that pain. That very pain that you have buried deep within and carried around for so long. The reality is that if you don’t commit to doing the work then you are faced with what I found to be a worse senario…to be forever stuck. To be numb, memories repressed, and forced to live out your life in a labyrinth; always trying to find your way out, and frustrated because it isn’t happening for you. The only way out is through the pain. I knew this and Hope helped me through those very hard years.

There are people who are curious; they want to know details of my former life. I dare not get into the details for a few reason. The first one being that it would be folly on my part to divulge specific incidents which would expose who and where I am to a very interested party. Secondly, I have done the work. I am happy to say that I chose to push through the pain and sail to the other shore where my past wouldn’t be a part of my present. I make a choice every single day as to what thoughts I express…i can’t stop my mind from bringing up memories. They are there and they are a part of me. However, I can choose not to give them energy. This is why I don’t tell all the nitty gritty details…not because I can’t face them, but because it does not serve me to do so. The past is left behind for a reason and while I can see it in my rearview mirror, I choose not to turn around.

For those of you who are trapped or just finding your way out of an abusive situation keep going. I know how overwhelming it feels. I know you are probably wondering how the hell I did it; will you ever be this strong. This is why I write…I am blazing the trail for you. I am asking you to not give up. There is freedom on the other side of fear and pain. Lao-Tzu said, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” This might feel overwhelming to you if you are at the beginning of your journey, but it’s that one step that got me to where I am today. I took one step, then another, and truthfully I had no idea where I was going. I just knew I had to keep moving forward. This is when I found my new anchor word which remains with me to this very day…BELIEVE.

I Believe that good things can happen. I believe that my children are going to grow up to be healthy well adjusted adults. I believe that salvation exists for those who truly want it. I believe that I am worthy of my freedom and happiness. I think I decided to adopt Believe when I started this blog. It was then that I decided to face my fears and let it rip. Reaching out to other women has changed my life…and hopefully in some small way theirs. Today I am a beacon of light and a peddler of hope. I Believe with all of me that you can have the life that you dream of. The only thing standing between you and your dream is your fears and self doubt…give them the boot they do not serve you.

Believe: to have a firm conviction as to the goodness of what can come.

If you are struggling right now I ask you to hold on; don’t give up. Find your anchor word…I cannot tell you how powerful they are. These words became my daily mantra. I would repeat, Freedom, and then Hope constantly. Today I embrace Believe completely. I would be a fool to do anything other than that. I am blessed with such an abundance of goodness in my life that it truly overwhelms me. You too can have this. Believe it and manifest it to happen for you in your life. Don’t you think you are worth it? If you struggle with self worth then you need to face down, because you are. Don’t believe the negative voices in your head. Remember that you are not your past…you are what you are going to become. You have the power to choose your path. It might not be an easy road, but your Freedom is so worth it.

Let my story shine as an example that you can move on; you can grow, and you can thrive. No, my life isn’t perfect. I am not sure that anyone in their right mind would want to change places with me, but I am okay. I have learned to love myself and forgive myself for allowing all those years to be lost; for not being brave enough to leave sooner. We are all human and we need to keep some levity while here on earth.
I Believed, and I have risen so much higher than I ever thought was possible. When I glance in my rearview mirror I am reminded about how far I have come. I share myself with you so that you can find Hope in your own life. No surrender; this is your one and only life and you hold the pen. If you don’t then get ready to take the pen back, or in my case just buy a new pen and keep going. Xo Ella

Remember. Now let go.

March 4, 2013June 11, 2014 ~ Ella Hicks ~ 10 Comments

Has anyone ever told you that you are allowed to be free of the chains that bind you?
You have a ticket to freedom and you may not even realize it. It comes at a cost though. You have to do the work. I assure you that if I didn’t do the work in myself I wouldn’t be here writing this post. Let me clarify something for you…the work I speak of is a process. It is a never-ending journey of self discovery and growth. I like to think of it as sweat equity in yourself. If you ask me there couldn’t be a more worthy cause.

Life has a way of knocking us down and kicking the shit out of us only to leave us battle-scarred and confused. So very often we find ourselves alone without anyone to understand or support us. Doubt sets in and we begin to question everything, including ourselves. I wish I knew everything that I know now back when I was in my teenage years. Life would have been so different for me. My load would be lighter and the baggage I carry around would be much smaller and way more stylish!

You gotta live it to know it though and there is no better teacher than our own mistakes. Perhaps that is why I have such a keen understanding of so many people. Listen, I come from a great family and that is no protection from what life can through at you. I have learned so much the hard way. I am honestly grateful for the knowledge that I have gained, but it came at a serious cost to my health at times. I like to say that it is in the past and I don’t live there anymore. Let me not go back. However, it’s not really that simple is it? We need to remember our past clearly so that we don’t fall prey again to bad situations. We need to remember so that we can help others navigate their way through their own lives.

There is a balance to be found in remembering and then letting go. History is studied throughout schools and Universities. If we want to be sure that we don’t repeat the past we need to study it. We need to know what led up to events and how we could have changed the outcome. The key is that you need to know some very certain truths: You are not your past. You are not what happened to you. You are stronger than your past. It is crucial to understand this and to know that in your desire to move forward you may have to take a step back first. What do I mean by this?
You need to do the work on yourself before you can move forward to lay new foundations. Otherwise you will have cracks.

It isn’t easy to stop in your tracks and look within after years of running. You may think it is easier to just keep moving. I know I did. For years I kept myself über busy. I was a workaholic burning the rope at both ends just so I didn’t have to come face to face with myself. Eventually, that rope burned out and I had no choice. I had to live my life in the moment and allow myself to feel things. In order to cope with the pain I was feeling I needed to seek knowledge and enlightenment. The big thing that I learned was that somethings cause us such immense pain and heartache and there is no way around it. We have to live through it and sit with the pain. There have been moments where I thought I would die. I felt that I literally couldn’t do it, but I did and the pain eventually passed. I emerged wiser.

It’s here that you learn to stop living in the past, but you can still recognize it. The chains have been broken, but you are beyond it. Here is the place where forgiveness is critical, and when you can work through that you will well be on your way. You will be wiser and emotionally lighter.
I often say that you have to do the work in order to heal and move on. Simply put, you need to feel to heal. Some people just can’t grasp this concept. I want you to know that if you are one of these people your time will most certainly come. You will one day arrive at a crossroads where you will need to stop running and face yourself and all the events that led you to that moment. When you get there embrace it as hard as it might be and don’t be scared. Freedom is near if you can stay the course.

xo Ella