Wild at Heart.

“This whole world’s wild at heart and weird on top.” – Lula

It’s been a wild ride, my life.  Most day’s I just go about the business of being me; mother, daughter, friend, and perpetual rebel with a cause. Other day’s my reality, or shall I say the disbelief that I have lived this life…survived this life; stops me in my tracks. I shake my head sometimes trying to make it all sink in. It can’t; my skin is too thick now…almost an armor from all the years.

I am far from my golden years yet. I don’t yet have the luxury to recline on the front porch and watch the sunset of my years slowly descend. I am not at the point in my life where I can sit and remember with the wisdom of detachment of all the chapters that have made up my life so far. I am in it knee-deep right now; living it all.

How did a girl like me end up with a life-like this? Good question. Here’s the simple answer…low self worth. That was a hard nut to crack, but I did after many years of research in the field that has left me with a quick reflex and a fight or flee disposition.
I am still learning to be me and it’s a process that I know will never end; although the path is getting smoother lately.

I come across hardline to many. I am. I know this gives some people the false idea that I think I am better than them. I don’t. If anything, I know that with every person that comes across my path, every soul in need of a little pep talk, I see myself. Life has ever so nicely handed me some really beautiful lessons. They have left me a little sore, scarred, and tattered; i have a shabby chic soul and I am okay with that.

“Love is the whole thing, we are only pieces.” – Rumi

Growing up for me was a piece of cake compared to so many. I come from a big loving family that was financially stable; and I knew that my dreams were always within hands reach. All this being said I struggled with depression, substance abuse, anxiety, eating disorders, lack of self-esteem, sexual abuse, and anxiety. It was a lot of emotional weight to carry; that i remember.

In the end, it’s not in the surviving that has made me the person I am today, but rather the persevering through it all when I really felt like running and hiding under the bed.
My personal survival list has grown almost too big. I don’t always want to feel and identify with so many, but still the connections grow. That happens when you walk the talk and hold the tight line.

So to those of you who have had some sucker punch experiences I want you to know that when I say, “I feel you.” I really do. I feel it all the way into my soul. The old adage is true, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” I have done a pretty good job of keeping mine in tip-top shape. Open the front flap and you will see that I go deep, and sometimes dark. It is all a part of me. If the dark parts didn’t run so deep I am sure that I wouldn’t shine as brightly.

I am you and you are me. In this fellowship of man we find ourselves, our true names, and our tribe. There is no one out there that can tell me something about myself that I haven’t already examined. I have torn myself apart in my attempt to fix it all. In the end I realized that just like a beautiful patchwork quilt I am perfect in all my pieces, and I am in no need of fixing…just a little mend every now and then.  XO Ella

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21 thoughts on “Wild at Heart.

  1. “… just like a beautiful patchwork quilt I am perfect in all my pieces, and I am in no need of fixing…just a little mend every now and then.” That says it all.

  2. Dear Beautiful Girl, your pain embodies us all. I relate to your words as if they were mine, except that you are able to put them perfectly together, and wrap them around us all like a warm blanket. Keep shining like a beacon for those of us trying to make our way in the darkness. We love and need you. ❤

    1. Thank you Margie. I am not a writer…i just write to save myself. It’s a purge that needs to be done. I found that many people find some comfort in my words so it fuels me onward. I appreciate your support and love…always. XO Ella

    2. Ella, you have helped me in so many ways, with your truth as you see it ( that always resembles mine)and your honesty. I have invested alot of love and trust in people and gotten burned so deeply~ I,ve written you b-4 and you know that I am hiv+ and have been ever since 1988…It,s been a long road, but I must say after I got clean and sober, my life got bigger than any dream I could have had for myself~I have been in a battle with depression and pushed my friend,s away, and left to my own devices….and honestly, it,s become really dark..I,ve been asked to tell my story and I,m NOT feeling strong enough to do it…I know clearly my creator wants me to do this!!!….reading your post,s and relating incredibly, gives me courage~ From the bottom of my scared feet…I sincerely thank you~ Regina rycroft

      1. Regina love, I feel that it is time for you to do this too. Tell your story. The day i wrote my first blog post was the beginning of a new book in my life. It was the beginning of Rebel Thriver and everything has changed for me…not to mention all of the amazing people like you who I have had the honor to meet along the way. Our trials are for our learning… we need to turn around and help another along the way. In doing so our path becomes so much wider. You have a very specific situation and one day you will in turn help someone who can relate just to you. Don’t think about this too hard…your story is bursting to be told. XO Ella

  3. So perfectly sown and sewn. I do not know whethere to wander through the rows or curl under the warmth I know I will find and all to often need but will rarely seek.

    Simply, as always, perfectly stated. Thank you for always saying what I need to hear; somehow when I need to hear it.

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