Acceptance.

The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be only the beginning. – Ivy Baker

I lost my kids for a week; actually they went on a vacation of a lifetime. I stayed home. I thought about running away and hopping a plane to an exotic local. Another adventure for this perpetual gypsy. I even did due diligence and looked up destinations for myself.

I chose not to go. I chose to drop them off at the airport and head back home. Alone. Holy Shit…as I drove away from the terminal I thought about cruising into long-term parking and running in to buy a ticket to anywhere. Another adventure…me, my camera, and my iPad. Anything to distract me from the thought of being alone with myself for a week.

It’s been almost 20 years since I spent a week alone at home. Yes, you heard that right. Almost 20 years and I was terrified of waking up to myself every single day. No wild journey to distract me from my thoughts. No exotic local to persuade me from the fear of being alone with me.

What the hell was I so afraid of anyway? My GOD, in my past life I traveled the world alone, lived alone, and actually loved my time with myself. Had I lost touch with myself that much? It was this utter fear that made me decide to drop the kids off and come home. I needed to face myself…my fear.

Ironically, it ended up being the best week I have had in YEARS! I didn’t want it to end. I loved every single minute of it; from the moment I woke up until the moment I fell asleep I devoured my time. I did only what I wanted, when I wanted, and with who I wanted. I put no pressure on myself to do anything other than hang out with me.

I didn’t come to any monumental discoveries this week, but I did reconnect with myself. My fears were based in facing my thoughts. Yes, I struggle from anxiety and PTSD. I spent time researching this and learned even more about myself and why I am wired the way I am. Why on a beautiful sunny day in the middle of August with no distractions and no plans I could be feeling like I was being chased. The panic that comes crushing down on me for no apparent reason…it isn’t rational. It just is.

I survived it though and what came from it all is acceptance. That’s a tough one for so many of us and I think I finally am on to it. I am who I am today, not who I was before life took me down. I rose back up like the phoenix and I am a new me. It was the thought of facing and accepting her that was the basis of my fear. Just writing about it is causing my heart to pound fast. I wish I could erase this part of me…it’s so annoying and it doesn’t jive with my intellect, but this is how I am wired for now. I am a work in progress.

This past week I won. I made progress and I grew…I found acceptance and I can honestly say for the first time in almost 20 years that I am not running any more. At least I am not running from myself. I know who I am…always have. I just needed to find the courage to face myself.
I am flawed like the rest of the human race, but I know that I am stronger than most. I am a survivor and I am pretty fucking awesome!

Love, Ella 21409_505514972863930_1253478838_n

 

23 thoughts on “Acceptance.

  1. Talk about feeling you’re not alone!!
    (Yes, double entendre intended 😉
    I appreciate you so much! Your wisdom, encouragement and understanding have become an integral and welcomed part of my daily life! Thank you for your devotion and love!!

    1. Karla, thank you so much for sending me this lovely message. To know that people hear me and connect is a life saver for so many of us I believe. I am so happy to know you are a part of the RT tribe and thank you! XO Ella

  2. AWESOME!!!!! Well done, you! I’ve been a single mum and the hardest time was at the very beginning getting used to not having the kids around when they were with their other parent. It’s funny how you identify yourself so much through being a mother.

    1. That is so true for most of us mother’s isn’t it? Now so many of us are single and doing it completely alone…no breaks, no help. We can lose ourselves in the process. It is SO important as I have learned to keep a life of one’s own in the midst of being a mother…Thank you love for your comment I just so love hearing from all of you! XO Ella

  3. My experiences have been similar, tho probably not quite as extreme. But when I moved out of my home of 30 years, and had to leave my then 14 yr old son with the abuser, I remember just loving the peace. I really love my time alone.

    The story turns out well, my son eventually walked from his house to mine. He is now an amazing 21 yr old young man. He recently moved back home, and said, “you seem happier since I am home…” I said, “You know, son, I am happy when you are home. I’m also really good when you are not.”

    He smiled. I think it is a relief to our kids when they don’t feel responsible for our happiness, just part of it.

    Beautiful blog.

    1. Debbie, thank you for your note. What a beautiful insight from one mother to another. You are right…I think it is important for our children to know that they are not responsible for our happiness, but they are a big part of it. As single mum’s we can so often get so hyper focused on them that we lose ourselves and then they start to feel that burden. Beautiful share….I thank you so much XO Ella

  4. You know, after all the years being a mom and a wife, being on my own was like Alice in Wonderland. I made some dishes I haven’t eat for years, I listened to music I love and did not hear for ages and I eat when I’m hungry. I love my kids to pieces, but it is freedom to be on my own. I listened to the wind, I smelled the spring and I enjoyed just being me again … that me from looong ago …. You know what I like about you most … the fighter going all the way and then all of a sudden you are so vulnerable … Thanks for sharing …

    1. Thank you Petro….that’s really me fighting like hell one minute, but not afraid to admit all my falls. Thank you for your comment…it really helps me put things into perspective XO Ella

  5. my story is a little different. i am in a very happy marriage with 3 beautiful children and soon to be 3 outstanding grandchildren, i find i hoard my time alone, i get up earlier than everyone else just to spend an hour getting to know myself each morning. meditating and being so thankful for all i have has made me responsible not only for my happinessbut to allow the ones i love the path to their own on their own. so hard not to do for them but to allow them to do it on their own – thanks for the ray or positivity i find i need during the day 😀

    1. Wow Denise….I want to be like you when I grow up!!! I am trying now and will try even harder to really carve out that time everyday for me to meditate and focus on me. Thank you for being such a light XO Ella

  6. I am so thrilled I found you here as well as on FB. You are such a ray of sunshine and a light of wisdom, love and compassion. You have made such an impact on my daily life as I am always a little lighter, a little wiser and a little braver in seeking my own truths because of what you bring forth from your heart every day. Thank you Ella, it is an honor to know you. ❤

    1. Hi there Dottie! Thank you so much for reading my blog. You are so sweet and the truth is that I feel the same about you and all the tribe. What a wonderful thing we have isn’t it? To be able to share our victories and defeats knowing that we aren’t judged, just loved and understood. XO Ella

  7. I would have to agree, you ARE fucking awesome! Wear it proudly – because you can. Because acceptance is the door to every wonderful thing that life holds. Because you’re SO worth it! Namaste!

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