This is My Love Song.

“Love is so short, forgetting is so long.” – Pablo Neruda

So it goes…Life rolls on. Two years have passed and I still miss you.  Who says that time heals all wounds? Yes, it’s true, some losses are unbearable; yet somehow we bear them.  Everywhere I look, the empty space is filled with you.

Life rolls on and you are still by my side. It’s taken me two years to mourn you; I wasn’t ready to let you go. Today I look death in the eyes and I know that love is louder. Love surpasses even death. I didn’t want to come to this place…to admit your death was to put the final nail in the proverbial coffin. It makes it permanent…and now I have no chance of you walking back through that door. The curtain has dropped, the lights have dimmed, and now you may take your bow.

We shared a love for the sea…heaven on earth.  I know that you are here with every wave I hear crashing, and with every wave I ride…you are everywhere. I used to yell at you on the beach to leave me alone, to go off to where the spirits go, but you won’t.  I know now that I need you here to remind me that I am okay…the wind beneath my wings. You brought me back to life…you put the color back into my cheeks after so many years of numbness. Oh how I long for you…to hear your voice. Read me Neruda at bedtime again, sing to me with your well-worn guitar, and let me hear your laugh… as loud as life itself. I love you so.

This is my love song. I thought I was broken, and you showed me that I could love again. You gave me back my life and saved me from myself. Because of you I am whole…I am a better mother, a better friend, daughter, sister…all because of you. You believed in me and I am so much better for knowing you. So, while you left me standing here alone, I know that your purpose was whole. I wish I could shed the guilt that I carry…it’s here though to remind me that I can never be complacent. I need to show others how beautifully they shine, that they are loved, and worthy of love in return.

You taught me with your servant’s heart. Your actions always spoke louder than your words. I want to thank you for the flowers you brought me, each and every time you came to my door. Oh how i have cried for you, but today I make my peace. Life is good and our little tribe is happy and thriving. The kids miss you so, especially Jake. It’s hard for kids to lose another father, but they understand that life is complicated and you have to rise after you fall. You have helped me to teach them that, again. I want to scream into the ether that I am so damned angry at you and that I am lost without you, but it would be a lie. It’s survivors guilt; I know it so I let it go.

My life goes on and I shall continue to rise and fall like the tides. I will learn, grow, and I will continue to love. I will share my life with another one day and I know you would want that for me. I shall keep your legacy alive though with every single post that I write for Rebel Thriver. I know that one day I shall meet you again. You have taken the fear of death away from us because we know that when we pass over to the other side you will be standing there to greet us. You gave us such a gift in that…your death was not in vain. Your love was to big for death to claim…It’s mine and I shall keep it until I meet you again. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have known you, to have loved you, and to have been loved by you. I forgive you for leaving me and I make my peace with you today. I will forever be your endless summer and your laughter will always crash onto the shore with the waves for eternity. XO Ella
The Photographer

14 thoughts on “This is My Love Song.

  1. Oh my sweet girl…how beautiful, how heart wrenching. I’m so glad you could finally write this- but my heart aches reading it…. You are always brave~ I’ve learned that…but please know- we have your hand.

  2. I just want to personally thank you from the bottom of my heart…for starting your FB page that continuously inspires me to stay alive and work through my pain. You have obviously been through what I am constantly struggling to get through. I started paying close attention to your FB posts…as they so pertained to how I feel…but it wasn’t until I found this webpage of yours and read your struggles that I realized how someone else could be anywhere near as hurt and distraught as I still am…it has only been 6 months for me since my “soulmate” destroyed my world…I haven’t even come close to handling it…in fact all I tried to do for the first several months was kill myself. I am resigned to the fact that this is not in the cards for me as I am still among the living…though how is still beyond me… Because of your openness about your feelings about your loss I am finally able to realize that I am NOT alone in my daily struggles. You have been more of an inspiration to me than anything or anyone else and I SO PRAISE you for that! Thank you SO VERY MUCH!!! You continue to be the reason I even look forward to getting on with my life!!!

    1. Thank you for writing to me Summer. I am so sorry for your loss, but know this….there are blessings to come. Do not lose heart. I am here to bear witness that when the bottom falls out you can rise again! I apologize for this delayed response, but I haven’t been writing much lately. I am beginning again and I hope you find me here again. xo Ella

  3. I just found your blog and absolutely love your writing and the message your sharing. This brought tears to my eyes… You’re words are very powerful I hope you’ve found as much peace with this as you can. Keep writing your light shines brightly through your words it’s so beautiful and inspiring. Much ❤

  4. Dearest Ella,
    I could not even write to you the first time I read this.
    The rawness of your experience was so deep, so real, that I could feel it. I wept for you.

    But it also felt so personal. … I knew you needed to write it. That it would be cathartic.
    But sharing it with us. .. What an amazing gift!
    I feel honoured to see the love you shared, to understand more of you, to know your grief.

    Somehow, through the pain, love shines brightest. It’s glowing like a sunrise, glistening like cresting waves, shimmering like the sand.

    And that is beautiful and joyous. I read your words and feel hope. Even in pain, there is a cycle of what is meant to be, of where our paths lead us.

    You’ve been under the water, where it’s dark and you can’t breathe. But you made it to the surface. Perhaps you gasped for air for awhile and it was hard making it to shore.

    But Ella, you did more than that! You built sandcastles. You sang. You danced along the shore.

    And you invited us to come too.

    To accept all that life is, yet keep dancing.

    For all of this Ella, I thank you.
    Through your bravery, by being willing to show us the depth of your rawness, we are able to hear your song and join with you.

    The ripple effect extends far beyond your horizon Ella.

    Thank you for helping me find my song, my Rebel Thriver tribe and a faith in the future far bigger than I have known.

    I love you Ella ♥♥

    1. Sass,
      What a beautiful note. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I adore you and your words just make me want to go do just that…run on the beach and frolic in the sunshine for I am here and I have survived!
      Love you right back! xoxo Ella

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