Brooke Axtell, Domestic Abuse Speech, 2015 Grammys: http://youtu.be/vfzRV_ofTlo

The struggle of man against power is the struggle of memory against forgetting.    – Milan Kundera

I escaped my abusive marriage nine years ago this month. I didn’t celebrate though for I have taught myself not to look back. A silent acknowledgement of a job well done at this point in my journey is all that I need. When I first left I never thought that I would make it to this point in my personal development. I have arrived at a place where I have gained hard learned wisdom. It has taken tenacity and sheer willpower to keep believing that I would come out on the other side of this battle stronger.

Almost everyday I am asked, “How did you do it?” I know that the answer that most are looking for is not what I have to offer though. There is no quick fix to letting go..it takes time. I must tell you that it may not heal all wounds, but will it certainly softens the edges.

Now by no means do I have it all packed together in a nice and neat package. My PTSD is so often beyond my reach, and it can send me reeling at a moments notice.
How do we balance the conscious from the subconscious? How do we find balance there? I believe that it is in learning how to react, or NOT react, to the intruding memories. That is what we have control over. It is in this fine mingling of memory and now that we can create our balance.

Last night I awoke from a bad dream. It was one of those dreams that you continue to have though out the night even when you break your sleep. It just keeps going and it seems so realistic that you are not sure that you are dreaming at all. These dreams can shake you to your core.

In my dream I was reunited with my abusive ex-husband. He found us and I was forced to pretend that I was happy to see him. I found myself back in my former life…one that I have so frequently chosen to forget. In my dream there was no forgetting though. I was in a hyper vigilant state as I slept. I was re-living my past. I was trying to prepare to escape with my kids without him discovering my plan; knowing all to well that if he caught me leaving that would have been the ultimate end for all of us. I was re-living my past reality in my sleep. The past I work so hard on forgetting.

When I woke up I was in a panic, but I went back to sleep and continued to dream. I woke up again having heart palpitations. I was caught between wanting to go back to the dream so that I could finish it out again victorious and staying awake. This continued for hours and it brought up memories and feelings that I haven’t had in a long time. Remember that I have chosen to forget. What did this dream teach me? I believe that this dream was a message.  That while I want to forget, I must not become complacent. The scenario of my dream could so easily become my reality if I am not careful. It was an eye opener for me and I really feel that I have been given an angelic warning.

How did I choose to proceed with my day? I laid in my bed and separated the reality of the situation from the dream. I thanked my inner self for allowing me to remember this scenario so that I could remain safe. Then I decided to let it go. There is nothing for me to hold onto. There is no reason for me to cling to the fear of the nightmare.  I continue to learn the fine art of forgetting, which by now I know is not really about forgetting at all. It is about letting go. xo Ella

Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.                 – Herman Hesse

If being thin is the answer.  What is the Question?                                                                                                                                                          – Emma Woolf

There was an interesting question posed in the midst of World Cup fever this year. Should we be concerned that our young men might develop body image issues as a result of the world’s attention on the magnificent bodies of the male soccer players? Seriously, that just makes me want to scream. The fact that the question was posed is actually good in a backhanded kinda way. It will hopefully cause a discussion in other forums as well. Men are not immune to the pressures of society when it comes to body image. Seriously though? They have nothing on us women.

I read a preview for Emma Woolf’s new book ‘The Ministry of Thin: How the Pursuit of Perfection got out of Control’. She says, “These are the rules: ‘Thou shall not age; thou shall not be ugly; thou shall not be too emotionally open, nor too obviously clever  -but being thin trumps them all.'”

I have grown up within our society’s body image bubble, which is much like trying to breathe through sand or walk through quicksand. Women have been dealing with this issue for a really long time. The beauty industry is literally, an all-consuming monster, that has trapped almost everyone. I say, almost, because I do know women and men who have decided not to drink the “Kool Aid” and join that party. Have they really though? Is it really that easy to get away from that voice in the back of your head that whispers to you that you are not good enough? Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not skinny enough. Let’s be honest here…it’s a human condition that most of us, whether we want to admit it or not, are not immune to.

It’s a really tough monster to fight. We are constantly fed images of often impossibly perfect women every single day, as though it is our birthright. Then as we grow up under the scrutiny of our parents, our peers, relatives, and society as a whole; the pressure mounts. Every one is hoping that they are blessed with good hair, straight teeth, glowing skin, long legs, and a nice smile, but most importantly are we thin? Where can I get off this train?

Everyone’s idea of perfection is different. For me as a young child, my blonde hair and blue eyes were not interesting to me. I felt like Jan Brady. I always yearned to be different; perhaps Italian with beautiful tan skin, Korean with beautiful long black shiny hair, or French with that impeccably sexy accent . I always wanted to look like anyone other than me. It’s not that I disliked me, actually, everything is good with me. It took a long time to be able to say that I like myself. I really do like myself…But, I still wish I looked better.

Most days I like who stares back at me in the mirror. She even smiles. She would like to be thinner though, as though that would make her happier. It’s a lie though. I bite into the lie most days, but I spit it out as soon as I can. I am so very grateful to be healthy and fit. I started to write this earlier and I had to call bullshit on myself. When I realized how whiney it sounded to be lamenting about body image when I have some friends who are very sick. I feel like an arse writing a piece on body image. As if I have anything to complain about. The truth is when it comes down to it I don’t. However, I think there are many women who can relate to this post and so I am going finish writing it.

Once upon a time, I was too skinny, oddly enough everyone told me how GREAT my emaciated self looked. That was a really unhappy and scary time for me. I realized that the man I had recently married was not who I thought he was. I was stuck, and so in a lame attempt to maintain some control of my life, I was slowly starving myself. Note to self…that doesn’t workout to well in the end.

Today I am on a quest for total self acceptance. It’s a high mountain to scale and anyone who says otherwise is playing you. What does it even mean? To be able to love yourself unconditionally. That is a radical thought to me, and yet, why is it? Probably because we have had it ingrained in our lovely brains that “being thin” is the answer. How can it be the answer when we were never asked the question?

 I like myself, but I don’t always feel comfortable in my own skin. It’s like this body almost fits me, but it’s just not quite right. The monster runs deep like a virus. It’s pretty hard not to be brainwashed when the “ideal woman” is actually 8 different women photoshopped together to create one “perfect” looking woman. They morph the best legs, ass, abs, chest, shoulders, neck, and face together. Then they airbrush the photo to a seamless perfection for the cover of a magazine that will in turn continue brainwashing us that we are not quite “right”. Perpetuating the myth to the next generation.

I am giving myself a challenge and it’s really overdo, but one thing at a time I know. For the last 8 years I have been on a journey to my self. I have dug deep, faced demons, loved, lost, mourned, and  learned who I am again after so many years in captivity. I feel like my body is secondary to my heart, soul, and mind. Yet I continually let it disrupt the balance that I have in my higher self. The body keeps getting in my way and distracting me from what I should be focusing on. I am going to learn to really accept my self head to toe. I am on a quest to love all the angles and curves that aren’t quite “right”. I am tired of feeling like I am always having a bad body day (akin to a bad hair day). It’s exhausting and the truth is it’s scaring me. What if I can never get to that point? I want to be a strong woman who can say when she is older that she accepts her self…body and soul. I really want to learn to celebrate my female form in all its glory. I brought children into this world through this body. That alone is the most magnificent and miraculous of all events and yet I cried myself to sleep the other night.

So, this is the beginning of a new path on my journey. I am going to really work at loving and accepting my body. I give thanks that I am healthy and that this body has taken me to many foreign lands. It has served me well and instead of criticizing it I should be thanking it. So, what was the question again?

xo Ella

“But the thing about remembering is that you don’t forget.”

– Tim O’Brien

The long road to forgetting is often very painful. I know this road well and it is the reason that I haven’t written much lately. It’s sometimes feels like I am stuck within the incoming and outgoing tides. I am trending water for many people. Life has a way of circling back on us. We forget things that we try to remember, and we remember things that we’d rather forget.

When we talk about our relationships forgetting is almost a moot point. For if you have loved someone and created memories with them, then how can you ever forget them? There are many examples of why you would want to though. Our minds block out some of the traumas that we encounter in life, but not all, and not always forever.

Memories are like snowstorms. They so often begin to appear like snowflakes…so soft and lofty. Then without a moments notice, a barrage of them hit and block your vision.The road ahead once clear and open is suddenly blocked. You are caught up in the whirlwind of the storm. The memories swirling all about. One memory triggers the next and before you realize it you are swept up. The past has once again become your present…at least for the moment.

“Love is so short forgetting so long.”

– Pablo Neruda

It’s a fine line to walk some days. I want to pull from my past so that I can help others.I want my experiences to mean something. To show others that they too can move on. I am sick of so many of my memories though. They are heavy and laden with pain. I have learned and I understand my past, but who really wants to revisit them? I have so much to say, but it comes at a price.

You can journey down the long road of forgetting. You can create new memories that will overshadow the past ones that you so desperately want to leave behind. They key is that you have to want to. Often times our memories are like heavy cloaks. They can be divisive and trick you into thinking that there is a false sense of comfort there within your history.

I don’t like to remember most of it, but there are shining happy moments within the mix that beg to be remembered. How do we sift through it all? How do we pick and choose what to remember and what to leave behind. This is a fine dance, for you cannot forget the bad and remember only the good. That does not serve you.

The word forgiveness comes into play here. Let me make something clear, forgetting and forgiveness do not go hand in hand. You can forgive and let go, but the reality is that the memories are still there. Forgive but not forget…we know that saying well because it is the truth. Simple human conditioning. If only we had access to our control panels.

“Without forgetting it is quite impossible to live at all.”

– Friedrich Nietzsche

In the end it is living forward through your life that will give you the distance that you need. As you move forward your past will get smaller in your rear view mirror. Thank God for perspective. I believe that we must remember it all, as much as we may distaste it, for it prevents us from ever falling back down the same dark hole. It is the medicine which our soul requires to grow. The lessons learned have become our memories and in that we should find some grace.

There is no easy answer here. As humans we must constantly battle our own minds for there is no way out. I call it the long road to forgetting because it truly can feel like it goes on forever. The good news is that it doesn’t. In time it all sifts out and the landscape of your journey will appear brighter. As you learn to replace the negative thoughts for positive ones you will slowly recognize the new reality that you choose for your life.    xo Ella

I am a very fair person. I don’t align myself with any political party for I choose to decide on issues. I don’t speak religion, because spirituality is so much more than another organization. When it comes to domestic violence I don’t advocate only for women. The truth is that men make up 40% of all reported victims. Violence is hate and hate doesn’t discriminate.

Today I shared a video on my Facebook page that depicted two actors in a domestic violence situation. In the first part of the video the man got visibly out of line with the woman. The crowd in the park that surrounded the couple were visibly upset. So much so that about 4 women approached the couple and called the man out on his bad behavior and assured the woman that she deserved better. When the script was flipped and the woman became abusive the response from the bystanders was really hard for me to watch. People were laughing. No one came to his defense. The contrast is remarkable.

What was really even more remarkable to me is the discussion that took place under the video. First of all I was pleasantly surprised to see men speak up and in such a respectful and grateful way. Women responded too and they clearly felt the same way that I did. Violence is wrong. Now there was one woman who decided to weigh on this discussion and she took my breathe away. This woman left four responses which made it very clear that she is the demographic that I am trying to educate. She was raw. She was rude. She was banned from my page.

The issue that this has highlighted for me is the degrees of abuse. I can’t even begin to tell you how many people have asked me if I was hit. As though if I hadn’t it wouldn’t have been so bad. Even police ask that question. I unfortunately suffered physical, verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. All were horrible, but the wounds that cut me the deepest and have left me changed were caused by the verbal, emotional, and psychological ones. It is time that people start to understand this. You don’t have to be hit to be a victim of abuse.

I was a successful woman and yet I hid the torment that cursed through my marriage. Fear was the main reason I didn’t speak up, but I would have to say that the shame I felt was equally as strong. I was asked over and over again, “why didn’t you leave?” It’s not a simple answer. For a victim to stand up and leave an abusive relationship it really takes every ounce of strength that they have. The last thing they need to hear is someone asking a question that makes them feel worse. Now, just imagine for an minute what it must be like for a man. The degree of shame they must feel is beyond my comprehension and I understand why so many men are silent victims.

I also want to stress that abuse isn’t just physical. While men may have the upper hand in physical strength a woman can certainly hold her own in all other areas. Women can abuse verbally, mentally, and psychologically. Women can also be physically abusive. It’s so sad that we have such a small view of domestic violence. It is so much broader than what most people perceive. This issue is not about gender issues or equal rights. This is about human rights. I believe that nothing supersedes this. I speak on behalf of women because it I can get through to them. They can relate to me and I to them. I want to help them read my story and know that their is hope. That they can get out and they can thrive.

All of the media coverage in the last week has been focused on Male violence against women. I felt that I needed to be fair and balanced. I needed to give a voice to male victims of abuse. I married a man who abused me because he was abused. If he hadn’t been a victim of domestic violence growing up he most certainly shouldn’t have become the person that he did. Violence is never acceptable.

http://http://mostshared.tv/video/7338

“Sometimes it takes years to really grasp what has happened to your life.”                                                                                                                    -Wilma Rudolph

It can be a hard pill to swallow when you realize that you are out of the forest, but not out of the woods. Life goes on and we live it out the best we can, exhausted often by the very act of being. Sometimes when you feel as though you have made progress you realize that you were actually just standing still; and the truth is that taking steps is easier than standing still.

It can be incredibly frustrating as I watch friends suffer through their growing pains; shit as I suffer through my own growing pains. I want a magic balm to help them through the pain, but I know that the only way to find redemption is to push right on through it. Life has taught me this well, and some lessons have taken longer to grasp than others. It’s kinda like trying to figure out Algebra (which incidentally I almost failed). It comes down to realizing that in life you have to work out the problems, you can’t just skip to the answers without doing the work.

When I find myself in these situations my usually patient self often checks out. Then comes the moment of self-reasoning. I have learned that patience really is a virtue and that time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it certainly helps dull the rough edges. Life doesn’t come with a manual, thank God because I probably wouldn’t read it anyway. We all have to follow our own path and figure out the best way to go about it for ourselves. It took me a lot of years to finally wake the hell up.

Then just like that you get that ‘Ah ha’ moment. You finally realize that the past is the past; and you can’t let it hold you hostage anymore. Life is for the living, and living is happening in the present moment. I can only lead by example and share what I have learned in an attempt to shine some light on the shadows. Bruce Springsteen’s mantra sounds off in my head, “No retreat baby, no surrender.”  You gotta just live through it. If t takes years then so be it, just don’t you dare give up. One day you will understand, just hang on and keep doing the work.

xo Ella

 

 

One common thread that connects us all is our suffering. Perhaps suffering exists so that we are drawn to each other. So that we make connections to unite under a common bond. Struggles are what teach us. They are the growing pains in life. They carve into our souls the depth needed to hold empathy and compassion for others. Our struggles, if we allow them to, can bring us more wisdom than we can ever learn in a formal setting.

The question of a lifetime is to determine how to survive in the midst of all this suffering.  What are we to do with our suffering? You have to make the choice for it is your suffering and no one else’s.  It belongs to you and to you alone and I have learned many things after years of suffering. For one I know that as long as we walk this earth we will find suffering. I also know that we can choose to let it drown us or we can learn from it. I am holistically stronger as a result of my sorrows. I am able to connect to others as a wounded healer; without the struggles and the pains I would never be able to say this. My truth is not about what happened to me. It is about how I choose to respond to it.

One might choose to embrace their suffering and cling to it like a warm blanket; swaddled in uncomfortable familiarity. In time this will become your reality and you will not remember where your suffering began or how it will ever end. The suffering has taken on a life of its own and you will be drinking from this life cup everyday as it steals your joy slowly and steadily. I know this as a fact for this for it is how I existed for years. It was not my conscious choice, but rather one of circumstance. I didn’t have the tools or support to understand otherwise at the time. I was caught up and adrift in my own nightmare.

When you play in the rough surf of the ocean you run the risk of getting knocked down. Sometimes, before you can stand back up another wave will roll in and knock you right back down, and so forth and so on. Before you realize it you are being helped to shore gasping for breath and wondering how such a beautiful day turned so quickly into fear. 

So it is with life. There are times where we get knocked down again and again before we even realize what has happened to us. It comes so quickly sometimes, doesn’t it? We find ourselves knocked on our asses, exhausted, sad, and often in great pain. We are robbed of the very joy that we are here to seek in this life. Alas, this is the human condition my friends and no one gets a hall pass in the school of life.

All I truly know is how I handle my suffering; and I really do wish that it hadn’t taken me so long to awaken to this truth. When I am in pain, I take my suffering and I sit with it for as long as I need to. I get to know it and why it has come into my life. When I feel like I cannot sit with it any longer, I stay grounded in it, even when it feels like it is going to kill me. It can be agony, but this is the critical time in your healing. You need to look inwards and dig deep in order to find the lesson that your pain is trying to teach you. By doing so your suffering is never in vain. You will have taken command and ownership of your suffering and it will no longer dictate to you. It cannot rule you.

When you can look at your suffering in this manner then you will know that is has been for the building of your spirit, not the breaking down. You will have learned and grown within your self. Your spirit will be wiser and your mind sharper. You will be stronger for you have survived what you thought you couldn’t. The silver lining here is that you will be prepared to help another one day who might be suffering in a similar way. You are now a wounded healer, and to me there is nothing more powerful than this.

This is where in my purpose lies and where my drive comes from. This is why I wake up every morning grateful for another precious day. It is why I have my hand open wide to take another’s. I may not be able to change the situation of their suffering, but I can offer them hope and understanding. My desire is to foster hope in people so that they know that their suffering can pass as they come to an understanding of it. In this understanding they will find purpose. Our suffering doesn’t have to be a life sentence.

This is the ripple effect in its purest form. One small motion in calm water can ripple out a great distance. It is our choice how we respond to it. I choose to live my life by embracing it all and as a result believe that I am wiser for it. Running away from your struggles or numbing your pain will never allow you to grow into the person that you are meant to be. By taking the time to sit with your suffering you will gain an understanding unparalleled in any other way. You will have the capacity to help others navigate through their tough times; and this is how we unite through our pain in order to connect, grow, and heal. Within this journey we are certain to find the silver lining of Hope and Love.

XO Ella

“What’s with her?” they ask. Even if I can’t hear them I know they think it. Better yet…“Why can’t she just get over it?” Who do I speak of? Mostly my family members. I know, the very people who should try to understand don’t. The people closest to you sometimes feel the farthest away. I guess that there are some things that we experience that others can never fully understand unless they have experienced it themselves. It’s true of my debilitating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and the accompanying anxiety. You can try to understand, but if you haven’t experienced it then you can never really know.

I have many scars left from wounds that have been inflicted upon me over the years. Most of them came during my 11 year marriage. They varied day-to-day, but rarely did I find sleep at night without having added another to my already war-torn body. The most hideous of them are invisible to the eye. The are carved deep into my psyche and they attempt to torment me all the time. If you were to see me in the market you would never know how nervous I was or notice that my eyes are darting around the room. In case you didn’t know…I am casing the joint at high-speed for a quick exit if needed. Same goes for when I walk out of my house…I always look in the bushes to make sure that no one is going to jump out.

Sometimes I will be talking to you, but my mind is elsewhere. It may have been something that you innocently said that ripped me back to that horrible night. One of many horrible nights. You will have no idea that as you sit and gingerly talk to me about the new color of your living room that I am reliving an event I only wish I couldn’t remember. Why is it that at the most benign of moments the littlest things can tear me away from the present and hurl me at light speed back into the past?

Ironically, much of what  I have forgotten can come back in a flash without warning. Imagine that? This is the exciting world of a trauma survivor. I know I am not alone and I hope that my words here resonate with someone. Quick or I might forget what I am writing about. It’s that bad some days. My memory is shot. I feel like my brain is full of clouds that prevent thoughts from connecting and allowing a continuance of thoughts. Don’t ever argue with me…you will win. I will forget what we are arguing about somewhere in the middle.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder affects many survivors of trauma. Victims of violent crimes, car accidents, and injuries can cause you emotional pain when you think back to the moment of impact. 1 out of 5 veterans coming back from Afghanistan suffer from PTSD. Then there are the victims of domestic abuse; women and children who live nightmares for years at the hands of the very people who are meant to love them. I have never been in war, but I have been in an accident, been injured, and a victim of a violent crime. The worst for me was being abused physically, mentally, and emotionally by the man I thought was there to protect me. I struggle to this day, years after my divorce, to overcome the flashbacks of my past.

Remember that not all wounds are visible. Since this is something that afflicts so many I thought I might share a little knowledge to those of you who don’t know much about this. To those of you who do, I can already hear you saying “check”. The following is an informative overview of the symptoms of PTSD. You may have it or know someone who does. Everyday is different for us and we have to handle each situation as they come. For me personally, memory issues, flashbacks, feelings of detachment, difficulty concentrating, hyper vigilance, and being easily started are always present. It’s only normal that I would want to avoid people or situations connected to that part of my life. So when I say I can’t do something it means I really can’t do it.  XO Ella

Re-experiencing

These symptoms envelope ways that someone re-experiences the event. This could look like:

• Intrusive thoughts or memories
• Nightmares related to the traumatic event
• Flashbacks, feeling like the event is happening again
• Psychological and physical reactivity to reminders of the traumatic event, such as an anniversary

Avoidant symptoms

Avoidant symptoms describe ways that someone may try to avoid any memory of the event, and must include one of the following:

• Avoiding thoughts or feelings connected to the traumatic event
• Avoiding people or situations connected to the traumatic event

 

Negative alterations in mood or cognitions

Basically, there is a decline in someone’s mood or though patterns, which can include:

• Memory problems that are exclusive to the event
• Negative thoughts or beliefs about one’s self or the world
• Distorted sense of blame for one’s self or others, related to the event
• Being stuck in severe emotions related to the trauma (e.g. horror, shame, sadness)
• Severely reduced interest in pre-trauma activities
• Feeling detached, isolated or disconnected from other people

 

 Increased arousal symptoms

Increased arousal symptoms are used to describe the ways that the brain remains “on edge,” wary and watchful of further threats. Symptoms include the following:

• Difficulty concentrating
• Irritability, increased temper or anger
• Difficulty falling or staying asleep
• Hypervigilance
• Being easily startled