Catch & Release

~ Ella Hicks ~ 19 Comments

11391189_857888274293263_9146465612480849357_n

Why is that we contradict ourselves over and over again? We know better. We’ve already determined that life is a full on roller coaster ride with its ups and downs. We’ve learned from our mistakes and we know that fire burns if you put your hand to it. We are seasoned and yet we continue to try to control the outcome of our lives. I tell you it’s is as pointless as trying to catch the fading sunset in your hand.

Man plans and God laughs. – Yiddish Proverb

If I were a superhero I might just be Anxiety Girl because I can shoulder an incredible weight of it every single day. What I deal with daily might just cause another to keel over. Although I am getting better at juggling and quelling it, it doesn’t mean that the anxiety is lessening.  I am getting better at backing away from it so that I don’t add more to the pile. My anxiety is a result of extended intense stress I lived with for over 15 years. It’s PTSD, adrenal fatigue, and generalized anxiety all rolled up into one big massive package that has a tag marked “f*ck you” on it.

I understand that my brain chemistry has been altered. I have tried just about every combination of medicinal cocktails prescribed and self prescribed. I try to meditate. Well, I do it the best way I know how which is walking on the beach. I walk and walk until my thoughts just fall into a linear projection of all that I am. I stop trying to figure things out and I just fall into pace with the crashing of the waves. Picturing me in a mediation class or on a retreat makes me start to itch and laugh a little. Let’s face it we all can’t be the same, and meditation is one of those things that must be tailored to the individual. Don’t get me wrong because I believe in its benefits, I really do. For people like me though trying to control my thoughts by not controlling them is just another word for PANIC!

Calm your mind and catch your aggressive thoughts then cast them out into the ether. You are not required to carve them all in stone and own them all. In fact, your attempts to try to nullify them will only create a bigger issue. That is why I turn to my practice of Catch & Release. As you feel yourself adding more and more crap to your pile of things that you need to do, people you need to respond to, calls you need to make, household chores, work, relationships, etc., etc., etc., STOP yourself in your tracks. Breathe in and out a few deep times and be present in knowing that you caught the ball before it got thrown into play. This is where discipline comes in handy. I like to give myself a gentle talking to about not overdoing it. I remind myself that none of these things are an emergency and I try to prioritize. (Sometimes I have to lay down in a dark room for a few minutes to reset even). Never underestimate the power of a list or a nap…they really help!

In the end we are all constantly adapting to our surroundings. Only we know what is best for ourselves so boundaries are a brilliant idea. Just KNOW that you do not have to be tied to all of the baggage that you are carrying around, but you might have to work pretty damned hard to unload it. It’s worth it…don’t you think that the freedom that comes from a job well done is priceless?! Keep working at catching the negative shit and releasing it before you allow it to permeate your life.
You deserve so much better than that.

Buckle up and grab the wheel for it is up to you to figure out the best way to deal with your shortcomings. We all have them and I am sure there are plenty around that have the same ones as you. Seek them out for they are the wise ones who can give you other ideas for dealing with the same crap you have to carry. They are also a great source of inspiration for how you want to live your life. Catch the good and release the crap…it’s not brain surgery…it’s discipline.

xo Ella

Everybody Hurts

~ Ella Hicks ~ 6 Comments

HangOn

Everybody Hurts

When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
Of this life, well hang on

Don’t let yourself go
‘Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you’ve had too much
Of this life, well hang on

Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don’t throw your hand, oh no

Don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you’re on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
Everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts

– R.E.M

https://youtu.be/ijZRCIrTgQc

It Did Not Ruin Her

~ Ella Hicks ~ 8 Comments

10996768_855509391197818_3831626548921513305_n

“Never allow your loyalty to become slavery. You only live once.”             – Author Unknown

While sitting on the beach the other day with a dear we talked about writing. Why do we write what we write? I admitted that I am sick of my story. I am sick of being a poster girl for domestic violence. Many people suffer abuse, exit, and then move on. In fact, I help facilitate this process for them. The abuse becomes a chapter in their book of life. Somewhere along the line I found my calling in the aftermath of this monster (abuse) and so my chapter is becoming my book. I admit for a moment I was having a bit of a pity party. I have a desire to write about lots other things, but when I sit down here at my computer I inevitably find myself writing about overcoming abuse. I have this compulsion to reach out to those who are still in an abusive situation and might be questioning their own sanity. Yes, this is a common occurrence when you live with an abusive lunatic. I write to those who need a roadmap out. I suppose I find my strength here, and the comfort of knowing that I didn’t live those dark years in vain. I get frustrated, but I know that it is here, in my writing that I learned to thrive again. I want to direct this to all of you who are reading these words. I write for you. I am writing to help you find your way. I am writing to be a shining light and example to those of you who are still trapped in that dark place where you see no way out. I am here to give you HOPE for if I can make it out and I can turn my life around then so can you.

It did not ruin me.

I possess a deep strength that came from battling my ex-husband. I would not be the woman that I am today if it weren’t for this experience. In my darkest moments I held out hope for I knew that I wasn’t done here on this earth. There were many nights that I literally stared death in the face (I don’t mean to be a drama queen) and I had no other option but to surrendered to it. Somehow that spark of HOPE never extinguished. That in itself is one of my many miracles.

There are a lot of things that I don’t know, but what I do know is that there are so many other women (and men) out there that can relate to me. My inbox is full of your messages. I hear you when you write to me with thanks for giving your struggles a voice. I know that you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone and the simple fact that someone else out there can understand you. No, my darling girl you are not crazy. You are valid and you are so very worthy of everything good that this life has to offer.

The world needs more survivors to speak up. In telling our stories we make ourselves approachable. We enable others to step forward to be brave enough to speak up and out about what is really happening in their lives. Domestic violence has a long reach. It doesn’t just end when the abuser is removed from the situation. There are years of recovery that are needed and that is the hardest part to navigate. This is where the shelters and local support groups tend to fall off in my opinion. They are great when you are bleeding out and need triage, but in the long term aftermath survivors need other survivors to help them get back to the business of living.

I was told once that I wasn’t schooled enough to help counsel survivors of domestic violence. Well, I have earned the equivalent of a Phd in Domestic Violence through living this shit, and I have proved them all wrong. I have helped many women exit abusive situations and move on. It’s not work for the faint of heart I must say. I have learned over the years that I am good at helping survivors reclaim themselves after they are able to exit the situation. I am good at what I do because I understand the psychology of the aftermath of abuse. I live it every single day. So, I have accepted this truth into my life.

I am stronger than he was . He tried his hardest, but he couldn’t break me. I am stand taller because the struggles, and I am wiser. The help I can offer doesn’t come with a college degree but with years of deep personal work, and a burning desire to help others (and a proven track record). Never discount yourself, and don’t allow yourself to get lost in the aftermath. There is always a way out because HE DID NOT RUIN YOU. You are alive and capable of growth and pruning. It is in this process that you will bloom and become a new you…the person you are destined to be. Don’t you dare give up, not now, not ever. Be brave.

xo Ella

Little Black Sandals

~ Ella Hicks ~ 2 Comments
Processed with VSCOcam with b1 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with b1 preset

Little Black Sandals

I’m being dragged down, down by the hand
The hand of a golden giant man
He’s crushing my knuckles
Splitting my skin, he says he’ll let go
If only I’d ask it of himHe says
Girl, it’s your call
You wanna fly
You wanna fall
So I shout
I wanna get away from you
As fast as I can
I tell my feet to move it
I hope they have a planThese little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Are heading the right wayThese little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Saved my life today

So now I’m free
Free
From the big bad giant
Who was stalking me
Thank you feet, for guiding me
I’m glad somehow I got brains down there, at least

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Are heading the right way

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Saved my life today

Sometimes I’m tempted
Sometimes I am
I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss that giant man
He was the line between pleasure and pain
But me and the feet have some years to reclaim

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Are heading the right way

These little black sandals
Are walking me away
These little black sandals
Saved my life today

– Daniel de Mussenden Carey & Sia Furler

https://youtu.be/AQTBBwAhXN8

In Hot Pursuit of Myself

~ Ella Hicks ~ 8 Comments

Conquer

“She wasn’t doing a thing that I could see, except standing there, leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together.”                  – J.D. Salinger

It is a common misconception that I am an extremely relaxed person. I hear it all the time in fact. I am often asked, “How do you do it with so much on your plate?” I throw my head back, and laugh silently because I know how misleading perceptions can really be. In the privacy of our own minds we surmise and draw conclusions about everyone. This is why listening to others tell their stories is so important…it is how we humans truly connect.

How many thoughts cross through my mind in a 24 hour period? Countless really.
It’s a constant barrage which streams in and out as I appear to be quietly going about my day. This is what it is feels like if you choose to conquer from within. There is no downtime, in fact, your dreams are often more intense and telling then your reality. Up and down, dive in and jump out, and follow round and round.

I am always in hot pursuit of myself. 

Why is it important to put yourself through the frequent torment of dissecting your thoughts? If you choose to remain as you are then you are closing yourself off to growth. We are not meant to live a stagnant life. We are meant to be co-creators of our dreams as we walk this land…flesh and blood. To not ever question or filter all that comes in and out is just folly. I understand why we close that door at times in our lives. I really do. Sometimes it’s all just to heavy to shoulder and we haven’t yet given ourselves the coping tools we need to decipher our own inner confusion.

It’s not easy, but there is only one way to go in my opinion. Go deep and get to know yourself. Find the courage to look yourself in the eye and speak your unadulterated and vulnerable truth. There is where the landscape is all yours. You have planted and pruned. You are the one required to be the constant gardner and so you must continue to work hard and weed out your thoughts and beliefs. If you can learn to speak your truth to yourself that is when you can begin to truly blossom. I myself am still working hard on becoming Ella.

xo Ella

TRY

~ Ella Hicks ~ 3 Comments

11014687_850402261708531_2564866353405848168_n

TRY

Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don’t be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong, so they like you
Do you like you?

You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing

You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try
You don’t have to try

Mm, mm

Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit cards
You don’t have to choose, buy it all, so they like you
Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why, should you care, what they think of you
When you’re all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing

You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing

You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try

You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try
You don’t have to try

Mm, mm

You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing

You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try
You don’t have to try

Take your make-up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don’t you like you?
‘Cause I like you

– Colbie Caillat

Landslide

~ Ella Hicks ~ 7 Comments

11231754_846314968783927_157810850592326776_nLandslide

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older too

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older too
Oh, I’m getting older too

I take my love, take it down
I climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Will the landslide bring you down
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Will the landslide bring you down, oh, oh
The landslide bring you down

–  Stevie Nicks

What’s Your Definition of Vulnerable?

~ Ella Hicks ~ 4 Comments

11111058_848401048575319_1692519829997846752_n A few years back one of my writing teachers told me that he loved my writing, but he felt I was holding back. He said, “I can feel you guarding yourself. You needed to be more vulnerable; edit yourself less.” It’s hard to be vulnerable when we have been taught since we were young to edit so much of ourselves for the world. It’s hard to be bare bones vulnerable isn’t it? I’ve decided to push myself in my writing and to work hard on being truly vulnerable (I think I am pretty vulnerable already to be honest, but I am going to try to rip of the what’s left of the veil). It’s not easy to let your insecurities hang out for everyone to see. Truth is though that the people who move me the most are the people who can do just this. They talk about their truth and they are so open in all the details. This takes real bravery and I really want to become that person. I get tired sometimes of writing about my experience with domestic violence because there is much more to me than that. However, I know that my work is important and that I am a voice for many that don’t have one or can’t find the right words yet. I will never stop be an advocate, but I am going to try to broaden my blog up a bit with more of Ella; a more diversified view of me and my world. I was thinking about my Dad the other day. He is an amazing man and I love him so very much. He has been such an example to me in so many ways and has taught me what it means to be humble and steadfast in your convictions. I wanted to write a piece about him so that you would have an idea of where I come from; my history. (All of this is keeping in line with me being vulnerable.) So, I started to comprise this piece in my head and I was getting really excited about it, until I realized my truth like a brick to the head. I cannot write about my Dad in my blog. I can’t write about my mother, my AMAZING Grandmother, my siblings, or my darling children. I can’t write about my career before I started Rebel Thriver. Shit, I can’t even talk about my life before I left my abusive husband. This all came rushing back to me in a second flat. The blood pulsed through my veins and my heart started pounding so loud I could hear it out loud. YES, I have forgiven, but in moments like this the band-aid gets torn off and the pain cuts deep. The anger bubbles to the surface again, and again, and again. MOTHER**UCKER! He, and by he I refer to my abuser, has taken SO much from my life. He has taken my ability to freely write about my past. My history is so incredibly pertinent to who I am today, but when I write I must edit, edit, edit. I cannot be as vulnerable as I would like to be because of this man. It’s been years and his reach is still as long. He still has some control over my life and it infuriates me. I have come so far and worked so incredibly hard to heal myself, forgive the past, and learn a new way of being, but I cannot get away from this man. That is what domestic violence does to you. It comes in and grabs a hold of you by the neck, clamps down hard, and shakes you to your core. It tries to sever your roots and leave you wilting in the corner, thirsty and unable to bloom. It’s exhausting and it seeps into the tiny corners of your life and it is so damned hard to clean up. One step forward, two steps back. Instead of writing about my amazing Dad I am back full circle to domestic violence. It really is like this and I know that there are those of you out there who get this. How can one person wreak such havoc and destruction on another human being. People who are in situations like this are the epitome of vulnerable. They are open to being hurt and attacked at any given moment. Just another reason it’s hard to stop editing myself. I built some pretty big walls around my fortress over the years. My mother would like to see me “move on” and leave all the domestic violence in the past. She wants to see me have a “normal” life. There is nothing normal about my life, and as time passes and my children get bigger I deal with it on new levels everyday. Adolescence has brought up things that I wish wouldn’t surface and I have a child with PTSD and Acute Anxiety just like me. How bad is it exactly? Disabling. Remember that not all wounds are visible. Yes, we look like a “normal” family, but there is nothing normal about us. We have experienced a kind of hell on earth that not everyone can fathom. We are survivors because we made it out alive.  I walked away from everything with the clothes on my back and started completely over. How do I just move on and leave it behind? There is no way that I can do that for I would leave behind a part of me and so many victims who have no voice. I speak for them not just myself. I guess it is here that I find my vulnerability. I guess it is here in this great melting pot of experiences and emotions that we connect. I know its not always easy to share with others how you are feeling when everything is locked up inside like a steel vault. It’s much healthier to be real about it and let it flow if you can. So this is my reality, and want you to know that some days are better than others. I don’t like being held back and I have so much to say, but I can’t. I must bite my tongue in order to protect myself and my children. I am not going to stop trying to find ways to express whats inside of me. I may need to talk in parables, but I will be heard somehow. It really is amazing how one relationship can change the entire trajectory of your life. How’s that for being vulnerable? xo Ella

Far Far…

~ Ella Hicks ~ Leave a comment

 11214129_846702412078516_6183508840598153212_n

FAR FAR

Far far, there was this little girl
She was praying for something to happen to her
Everyday she writes words and more words
Just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside

And she’s strong when the dreams come
‘Cause they take her, cover her, they are all over
The reality looks far now, but don’t go

How can you stay outside?
There’s a beautiful mess inside
How can you stay outside?
There’s a beautiful mess inside, oh

Far, far there was this little girl
She was praying for something good to happen to her
From time to time there are colors and shapes
Dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands

They invent her a new world with
Oil skies and aquarel rivers
But don’t you run away already
Please don’t go

How can you stay outside?
There’s a beautiful mess inside
How can you stay outside?
There’s a beautiful mess inside

Take a deep breath and dive
There’s a beautiful mess inside
How can you stay outside?
There’s a beautiful mess, beautiful mess inside

Beautiful, beautiful

Far far, there was this little girl
She was praying for something big to happen to her
Every night she ears beautiful strange music
It’s everywhere, there’s nowhere to hide

But if it fades she begs, “Oh Lord, don’t take it from me
Don’t take it yourselves”
I guess I’ll have to give it birth, to give it birth
I guess, I guess I have to give it birth
I guess I have to, have to give it birth
There’s a beautiful mess inside and it’s everywhere

So shake it yourself now deep inside
Deeper than you ever dared
Deeper than you ever dared
There’s a beautiful mess inside
Beautiful mess inside

Songwriters
YAEL NAIM/ DAVID DONATIEN

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLQ5XOKuWUI

Where’s Your Fire?

~ Ella Hicks ~ 6 Comments

10984605_841932439222180_7495515702494388375_n

“You know when you’re in Do or Die mode? When you’re hovering and stumbling right to your edge and need to jump just to save yourself from what pushed you there?  That’s the beginning of everything amazing. Everything worth doing.” –Victoria Erickson

Why does life has to be so hard and so confusing at times? That may be the most rhetorical question ever asked. Even now after all this time one might think that I would’ve gotten used to notion that my life is composed of seasons. Some move in and out as fluidly as the tides while others come and settle in like a bear over a long winter. The truth is it can go either way; you can have short periods of joy and long seasons of discontent, but it works exactly the same in the reverse. That’s the thing about life, it’s not consistent. So, if you’re counting on consistency know that the only thing consistent in our lives is change.

Why do we find ourselves so resistant to change? We are resistant to change even when the thing we need to change is hurting us do deeply? Dammit it’s frustrating. When it comes to this I have little patience for myself. I forget to be tender and to treat myself as a struggling friend. I hate the feeling of my own weaknesses and yet they are what gives me balance. I know this and yet in the midst of the struggle I find myself treading water, holding my breath, and praying for an SOS. Anything to distract me from the present reality I am facing.

We crawl, we walk, we stumble, we fall, we get up again…on and on it goes. Day in and day out, month after month, and year after year we cycle like this. Sometimes I picture God looking down on us shaking his head. I often wonder what he is thinking. Perhaps, “What simple people I created. Why can’t they just learn go with the flow? Why can’t they learn to be the flow? They are always pushing against the flow and they wonder why they are always feeling depleted?”

Well no offense intended God, but I think we are the farthest thing from simple. If we were simple I don’t think life would be so hard because we wouldn’t notice most of what we are experiencing. The fact is we are incredibly complex creatures. Our minds are in constant conflict with our hearts; rendering our attempts to reason often painful and futile. We end up we often overriding our feelings to our detriment. So what is it that we humans tend do? We run away.

We run away and lose ourselves in our work, other people’s drama, we overindulged, we self-medicate, and so often we develop addictions to numb out our reality. We do this to avoid the uncomfortable and often messy feelings that surface due to changes that need to be made. In the moment it feels better to just escape it, but eventually it comes back to bite us in the ass. When something in your life needs to be changed then it needs to be changed. You can choose to do it now or later, but if you wait then you need to know that what it is you needed to change has now gotten even more gnarly.

When we run away from our issues in life we only create a shit pile of “stuff”. We toss one thing to the pile and run off. When another issue arises we chuck that one too. After a while that pile of shit can get pretty deep and the thought of dealing with it is a tad overwhelming to say the least. This is why living in the moment and facing your problems head on is so critical. I know better than anyone how hard it truly is and how tempting escape plans can be. I have learned it is better to feel and heal, then it is to numb and run. It take some intestinal fortitude, but you can do this. Clear the way for your future and your dreams. Be Brave.

xo,  Ella