It Did Not Ruin Her

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“Never allow your loyalty to become slavery. You only live once.”             – Author Unknown

While sitting on the beach the other day with a dear we talked about writing. Why do we write what we write? I admitted that I am sick of my story. I am sick of being a poster girl for domestic violence. Many people suffer abuse, exit, and then move on. In fact, I help facilitate this process for them. The abuse becomes a chapter in their book of life. Somewhere along the line I found my calling in the aftermath of this monster (abuse) and so my chapter is becoming my book. I admit for a moment I was having a bit of a pity party. I have a desire to write about lots other things, but when I sit down here at my computer I inevitably find myself writing about overcoming abuse. I have this compulsion to reach out to those who are still in an abusive situation and might be questioning their own sanity. Yes, this is a common occurrence when you live with an abusive lunatic. I write to those who need a roadmap out. I suppose I find my strength here, and the comfort of knowing that I didn’t live those dark years in vain. I get frustrated, but I know that it is here, in my writing that I learned to thrive again. I want to direct this to all of you who are reading these words. I write for you. I am writing to help you find your way. I am writing to be a shining light and example to those of you who are still trapped in that dark place where you see no way out. I am here to give you HOPE for if I can make it out and I can turn my life around then so can you.

It did not ruin me.

I possess a deep strength that came from battling my ex-husband. I would not be the woman that I am today if it weren’t for this experience. In my darkest moments I held out hope for I knew that I wasn’t done here on this earth. There were many nights that I literally stared death in the face (I don’t mean to be a drama queen) and I had no other option but to surrendered to it. Somehow that spark of HOPE never extinguished. That in itself is one of my many miracles.

There are a lot of things that I don’t know, but what I do know is that there are so many other women (and men) out there that can relate to me. My inbox is full of your messages. I hear you when you write to me with thanks for giving your struggles a voice. I know that you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone and the simple fact that someone else out there can understand you. No, my darling girl you are not crazy. You are valid and you are so very worthy of everything good that this life has to offer.

The world needs more survivors to speak up. In telling our stories we make ourselves approachable. We enable others to step forward to be brave enough to speak up and out about what is really happening in their lives. Domestic violence has a long reach. It doesn’t just end when the abuser is removed from the situation. There are years of recovery that are needed and that is the hardest part to navigate. This is where the shelters and local support groups tend to fall off in my opinion. They are great when you are bleeding out and need triage, but in the long term aftermath survivors need other survivors to help them get back to the business of living.

I was told once that I wasn’t schooled enough to help counsel survivors of domestic violence. Well, I have earned the equivalent of a Phd in Domestic Violence through living this shit, and I have proved them all wrong. I have helped many women exit abusive situations and move on. It’s not work for the faint of heart I must say. I have learned over the years that I am good at helping survivors reclaim themselves after they are able to exit the situation. I am good at what I do because I understand the psychology of the aftermath of abuse. I live it every single day. So, I have accepted this truth into my life.

I am stronger than he was . He tried his hardest, but he couldn’t break me. I am stand taller because the struggles, and I am wiser. The help I can offer doesn’t come with a college degree but with years of deep personal work, and a burning desire to help others (and a proven track record). Never discount yourself, and don’t allow yourself to get lost in the aftermath. There is always a way out because HE DID NOT RUIN YOU. You are alive and capable of growth and pruning. It is in this process that you will bloom and become a new you…the person you are destined to be. Don’t you dare give up, not now, not ever. Be brave.

xo Ella

8 thoughts on “It Did Not Ruin Her

  1. Thank you. I got out and am moving on at last. I stayed way too long, thinking I could make it work. He still thinks he can control me, what a joke. My life is getting better every day. I am happier then I ever was. I am free & he is still stuck in the past. Not my problem. Yes the scars are deep & close to the surface, but my life is so much better. Domestic violence in any form IS NOT ACCEPTABLE, …EVER & will not be part of my life again.

    1. I am so PROUD of you and SO HAPPY for you!!! No matter how hard it is now it will never be as hard as it was when you were with him. Stay strong and connect with me on Facebook via messenger if you need some support. Keep taking it one day at a time and you will rise slowly everyday even more. Sending you massive love Theresa! xo Ella

  2. Nope, it didn’t ruin me either. While the abuse I endured was of a different nature, sexual abuse as a child and sexual assault as an adult, the after effects are much the same I think. We can so easily stay stuck in the thinking that there is nothing we can do, especially when no one will listen when we try to report the abuse. That is exactly what the perpetrator wants us to do. However, we need to dig deep to find our own power and our own voice and pull ourselves out of that ‘stuck’ mentality. It is not easy but it is so necessary, and we will be thankful we did the hard work to overcome its lasting effects. At some point, we will be able to look at the scars and be proud of ourselves for doing the hard work to not only get passed it but to be able to help others who are in the midst of the same abuse.

    Kudos to you, Ella, for getting out and for doing the hard work, and more importantly for your vision to be the voice to assist others. I’m always honored to work beside you, to call you my sister and my friend. I love you dearly!

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