Why is that we contradict ourselves over and over again? We know better. We’ve already determined that life is a full on roller coaster ride with its ups and downs. We’ve learned from our mistakes and we know that fire burns if you put your hand to it. We are seasoned and yet we continue to try to control the outcome of our lives. I tell you it’s is as pointless as trying to catch the fading sunset in your hand.
Man plans and God laughs. – Yiddish Proverb
If I were a superhero I might just be Anxiety Girl because I can shoulder an incredible weight of it every single day. What I deal with daily might just cause another to keel over. Although I am getting better at juggling and quelling it, it doesn’t mean that the anxiety is lessening. I am getting better at backing away from it so that I don’t add more to the pile. My anxiety is a result of extended intense stress I lived with for over 15 years. It’s PTSD, adrenal fatigue, and generalized anxiety all rolled up into one big massive package that has a tag marked “f*ck you” on it.
I understand that my brain chemistry has been altered. I have tried just about every combination of medicinal cocktails prescribed and self prescribed. I try to meditate. Well, I do it the best way I know how which is walking on the beach. I walk and walk until my thoughts just fall into a linear projection of all that I am. I stop trying to figure things out and I just fall into pace with the crashing of the waves. Picturing me in a mediation class or on a retreat makes me start to itch and laugh a little. Let’s face it we all can’t be the same, and meditation is one of those things that must be tailored to the individual. Don’t get me wrong because I believe in its benefits, I really do. For people like me though trying to control my thoughts by not controlling them is just another word for PANIC!
Calm your mind and catch your aggressive thoughts then cast them out into the ether. You are not required to carve them all in stone and own them all. In fact, your attempts to try to nullify them will only create a bigger issue. That is why I turn to my practice of Catch & Release. As you feel yourself adding more and more crap to your pile of things that you need to do, people you need to respond to, calls you need to make, household chores, work, relationships, etc., etc., etc., STOP yourself in your tracks. Breathe in and out a few deep times and be present in knowing that you caught the ball before it got thrown into play. This is where discipline comes in handy. I like to give myself a gentle talking to about not overdoing it. I remind myself that none of these things are an emergency and I try to prioritize. (Sometimes I have to lay down in a dark room for a few minutes to reset even). Never underestimate the power of a list or a nap…they really help!
In the end we are all constantly adapting to our surroundings. Only we know what is best for ourselves so boundaries are a brilliant idea. Just KNOW that you do not have to be tied to all of the baggage that you are carrying around, but you might have to work pretty damned hard to unload it. It’s worth it…don’t you think that the freedom that comes from a job well done is priceless?! Keep working at catching the negative shit and releasing it before you allow it to permeate your life.
You deserve so much better than that.
Buckle up and grab the wheel for it is up to you to figure out the best way to deal with your shortcomings. We all have them and I am sure there are plenty around that have the same ones as you. Seek them out for they are the wise ones who can give you other ideas for dealing with the same crap you have to carry. They are also a great source of inspiration for how you want to live your life. Catch the good and release the crap…it’s not brain surgery…it’s discipline.
xo Ella
rebelthriver.blog 
I think it’s true that we all need to find our own “meditation.” Some people cook, pray, sing. Others clean, walk, swim…find what clears your mind and rebalances you. Appreciate the posts and the wisdom/experience.
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Thanks for reading and commenting! xo
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Ella, this is so very pertinent for me. I needed these words and this validation. Is there any chance of my sharing this with a dear friend. She just got violated and is back in a cocoon from old wounds of sexual abuse being brought to the surface. Gosh, we struggle with this! Love you Sweetness, thank you!
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Darling Christina please share this with anyone who you think it would help. It’s all out there for that very purpose! Sending love to you and your friend. xo Ella
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luckybigboydozer@yahoo.com is her e-mail.
Her name is Shannon. If you can?
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Christina, just copy the link and send it to her. I am sure she will be more open getting it from you than from me don’t you think? xo Ella
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Wow! As I was reading this, I found myself smiling as it felt like you were writing about me. I can so relate to much of what you wrote and am working on letting go and being content with gets accomplished rather than focusing on what still needs to be done. Thank you so much Ella! ❤
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Barb, i am so glad that you read this. SO often I think that the only person my writing will make sense to is myself. Thank you sis. xo
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I don’t know what to say. I cab relate with you on all levels, especially the anxiety. I too have ptsd and anxiety, among other things. I just really like what you write and can’t wait to read more. Thank you for being so brave to come out and tell your story. I’m trying that, but am getting overwhelmed with everything I have to say. I have about 20 drafts that I need to finish! Maybe a trip to Montego Bay just to draw and blog is what’s needed 😉. Thank you again. You’re so brave!
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Hey there! I think a trip to Mo Bay would be divine! Are you from JA? Thank you for writing to me. I am really glad we have connected. Take it easy on yourself. Frustration is a big part of moving forward. It happens to me too. Some of it is just a writers block and some of it is because you might no be ready just yet to release it. Keep writing though and it will come. Perhaps instead of writing another draft you just start from fresh. Sometimes that helps me to sort through the rubble and find what I am looking to release. Love you you! xo Ella
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That sounds like a great idea to just start fresh! No I’m not from Jamaica 😢, but I will go there one day. I’m determined! I’d like to go on a cruise and get “lost” there 🙂 Thanks for replying, I’m so glad to have found you,and I am going to read more of your posts now! Oh the newsletter was great btw!
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Oh you will love Jamaica! I have spent a lot of time there when I was younger. You have to make sure you plan a safe trip..it might not be the best place if you like to wonder off and get lost as it can be dangerous. Start fresh and I would love to read when you finish it. xo Ella
rebelthriver@gmail.com
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Lucky You! Maybe I could get a job at one of the resorts there. If you have time, check out my blog and let me know what you think. It’s as hectic as my liXoxo Many Mary a.k.a. girl
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You got it!!! xo
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I just visited your blog and I just adore you and your first post (10 things…). I also love the blog post you shared from The Elephant journal on Why she Stayed. Do you have a link to that one in it’s entirety?
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Well thank you! The link to the post is the blue Elephant Journal in the very beginning. I love that site, but unless you wto pay $13 a year you only get to reed read three articles a day. My birthday is coming up and I keep leaving hints that I want it 😆 Wish me luck!
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😉
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I know exactly how you feel and what you deal with when it comes to anxiety! ONE day we will be…da,da,da,…Anti-anxiety girls! Anxiety is no match for…da,da,da Anti-anxiety Girls! Able to squelch it in the blink in the eye. Remove PTSD in a single bound! So when you feel it coming on…who ha gonna call? Da,da,da…
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Oh Wendi…I know that song Da, da, da! xo Ella
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