When my dear friend Patricia Saxton asked me to join her “blog hop” I responded with an instant “YES”. I have neglected my writing for months and I am always better on a deadline of sorts. So, I took that challenge and here I am preparing to write about writing. We all have our own way of doing things…our methods. I am not trained in the art of writing, but I have always kept journals. I am actually a visual artist and writing a public blog is something that I started to do a little over two years ago. If you choose to continue to read on you will find out what got me started blogging, why I blog, and what I am working on currently. This way please…..

What am I working on/writing?

I wish I could say that I sit down and write my blog religiously every day. Actually, it’s been a bit of a dry spell for me the last few months. I am always working on something though. I run a private group for women under the Rebel Thriver umbrella and it is where my heart lies. We are all walking our paths; survivors of this life in one way or another and it is there that I focus much of my attention. I am currently working on writing my first public workshop for Rebel Thriver. It will be the foundation for all other workshops to build upon and I am really excited about it. I am in the process of writing a piece for The Good Men Project (www.goodmenproject.com). I have been asked to write an open letter to men addressing the issues that we as women feel that men need to work on. It’s a brilliant opportunity to connect with enlightened men and start a conversation for a greater understanding. Finally, I am starting to pull my first book together. I am not putting pressure on myself though, for I feel that when it is meant to happen it will just flow from within. I plan to write a few books before I lay down my pen.

How does my work/writing differ from others of its genre?

I don’t really feel as though I have a genre. I write in the moment and I am full on stream of consciousness. Sometimes I feel like I step out of my body and my spirit is writing what my mind cannot articulate. I am a free spirit and I approach my writing in the same way. There are no rules for me to break, no lines to color within, and my brush is big. Every piece I write is an adventure. There are no maps or outlines, just me and the blank.

Why do I write what I do?

I am a survivor of domestic violence. I married the love of my life, or so I thought, only to find out soon after our “I Do’s” that he suffered from mental illness. I spent over 11 years with this person who abused me mentally, emotionally, and physically. He systematically broke me down until I found myself wondering if I would even survive. Well, a long story short, I survived. I am now a single mother of two and we are a miracle. I had no one to help me navigate the murky waters I found myself swimming in, and it was incredibly isolating. I felt liberated when I chose to refer to myself as “survivor” rather than “victim”, but I wanted so much more than to survive. I wanted to thrive. So, I started to write. I started to tell the all the parts of my story that I could in order to heal and in turn help other women to find the strength to move on too. There is power in words and in the bridges that they can build between people. I started writing to save my life and I continue to write to help save others.

How does my writing process work?

I don’t have a “process” and I like it this way. I have learned to go with the flow like the tides roll in and out from the sea. Something triggers me and in turn I see a lesson to be worked out within myself. I start writing to clarify my thoughts and so often they resonate with others. Writing enabled me to help others in some very dire situations. I believe that words can heal; they have great power to connect us in a powerful way. I shall continue to write as it is the best form of therapy I know. We gain wisdom through our struggles and the only way I can make sense of many of them is by helping others with what I have learned. There is a great freedom in this.

Please visit me on Facebook www.facebook.com/rebelthrivers and on Twitter www.twitter.com/rebelthriver

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And now, my talented Blog mates:

Somewhere around the age of 3, Patricia Saxton picked up a pencil and never quite put it down. A multi-disciplined artist, Patricia is an award-winning graphic designer, illustrator, writer, and fine artist. Creative Director of design firm Saxton Studio, she’s also the author/illustrator of 2 best-selling children’s books, A Book of Fairies and The Book of Mermaids, and the inspirational design book 52 Weeks of Peace. Her paintings have exhibited widely and hang in private collections throughout the U.S. On a personal note, as a 24/7 single Mom, Patricia has come to see much of her work as a real-time, real-life experiment in “doing what you love.” (p.s: it’s not always easy, but chocolate helps!) You can follow Patricia at any or all of these hot spots: Saxton Studio Blog, Saxton Studio Website, Facebook / Saxton Studio, Facebook /52 Weeks of Peace, Amazon and Twitter.

You can follow Patricia at any of these fine places: saxton studio blog link: https://saxtonstudio.wordpress.com saxton studio website link: http://saxtonstudio.com facebook https://www.facebook.com/patriciasaxton.saxtonstudio facebook: https://www.facebook.com/52weeksofpeace.peacestartshere Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Patricia-Saxton/e/B000N9T5E0 twitter; https://twitter.com/saxtonstudio

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Hi ! My name is Kristin Louise Granger… I’m an Australian mum, worker, volunteer, social media junky, friend, daughter; a curious child, a lover of life and a possibilitarian! Life has been a glorious mess of loving, failing, learning, succeeding, thriving, discovering, hiding, dancing, struggling and everything in between. I was born with a curious soul and a fascination with people and how they connect and relate. I have an interest in exploring the underlying barriers that get in the way of people living a full and happy life on their own terms, and spent the past 10 years exploring the notion of Gratitude as a tool to facilitate change. Oh…and did i mention that i write?! Always have, always will…. since i could scrawl my name i have been scratching around on paper making meaning out of life through words. And from a very young age ….whether it’s been at the supermarket counter, the line for the loo, or the park with my kids…I’ve had strangers tell me their stories. The stories that come forward are magnificent examples of how fraught and delightful it is to be human. I like that. I like that story telling can be a form of wayfaring…a breadcrumb if you will… a way of inviting others to enter their own Quest. And if there is one thing i have learned… its that life is one hell of an adventure! Tally ho!

You can connect with Kristin at her blog www.gratitudenall.com, on her amazing Facebook page www.facebook.com/gratitudenall, and on Google+ https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/109366191447486380270/+Gratitudenall/posts

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Summer Watson rediscovered her passion for writing after her marriage of more than 25 years started to fall apart. She has always been a writer, starting when she ran out of Winnie the Pooh books to read and had to write her own stories. She’s a proud mother of one son and calls herself a friend to many. Her writing style covers everything from trips and nights at the theatre to soul-searching and sharing life’s pain. You can find her balancing two blogs here on wordpress. You can also connect with her on Facebook which she fondly calls her second home. You can connect more with Summer at her blogs, www.sumwatsumwhere.wordpress.com and www.goodtimesandlaughter.wordpress.com

“When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow.” – Shauna Niequist

And so it goes day in and day out as we live our lives. Planning and dreaming for what we hope will manifest in our lives. I often speak of my life in relation to the tides.  I imagine this is because the sea is my next door neighbor and her tides, along with the moon have so much influence on my life. Life truly is about ebb and flow.  We receive and we give, win and lose, we experience joy and sadness, health and sickness, and ultimately we see birth and death.  The circle of life is no joke. How ironic that man used to think the world as flat; and how brave they were to sail their ships out past the horizon wondering if they would just drop off the edge into oblivion following their dreams.

Life really is about circling back though, isn’t it?  I like this idea and it always comforts me when I pull the short stick. There are countless quotes out there in reference to this very subject too.

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.” – Helen Keller

“In every end, there is also a beginning.” – Libba Bray

“Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.”  -Oprah Winfrey

“A really strong woman accepts the war she went through and is ennobled by her scars.” – Carly Simon

In the end we are all saying the same thing…circle back. We may be on the precipice feeling like we have conquered our world, when the foundation starts to crumble and we fall.  Flat.  It happen’s to all of us and it doesn’t get any easier…we just get wiser. It is in our weakness that we will find our strength if we are open to it.  If we are prepared to sit amongst the rubble and ask the question, “Why?”

It at these moment’s in our lives that we must push ourselves to raise our heads and not give into the gravitational pull of depression. I admit it isn’t easy and sometimes I find that I am just so tired that I am tempted to sink into the soft cushion of despair and wallow for a moment. I have learned thought that the longer I do the harder it is to get up and out for that soft cushion is more like quicksand. It will continue to suck your energy and your confidence; your self-worth and your essence right along with it.

“In the depth of Winter I found in me an invincible Summer.” – Albert Camus

So here sitting in the rubble after falling from the highest high we have found that life has yet again circled back on us. I can’t tell you how many times I have experienced this.  It took me years to realize that I had to ask “Why?” Not a hypothetical one, but a serious and informed “Why?”  I wanted to know how in defeat I could find victory.  What I learned was this…

Life does not break us.  It bends us and molds us into who we are meant to become if we are open to it.  I used to think of myself as broken, but not anymore. That person learned a few years ago that she cannot break.  I may bend low like the trees in a storm, but like the trees my roots are deep.  The hardest part for me is having patience. It is not something I struggle with in other people…it is a self infliction of sorts. I don’t like fumbling around with the pieces trying to figure out why puzzle fell apart…i just want to start fresh and get on with it. This has been my Achilles heel because I have repeated the same mistake over again; I didn’t take the time to ask,”Why?”

When I hit the bottom I just want to hit the reset button and GO!  It doesn’t work like that, and anyone who thinks it does is really fooling themselves. Healing takes time.  Learning takes time.  We all know that Rome wasn’t built-in a day.  So, neither shall our lives. I am learning that when I am in the process of working through a tough life situation that I need to breathe.  I need to take time for myself to be more introspective. I need to ask “Why?” and “What am I meant to learn from this?”  In the end, time is a wise leader. Seven years ago I never thought I would be where I am now . It would have seemed impossible for me to get here. Then again, in other ways I never thought I would be here now trying to learn lessons that I wish I had learned so long ago. Life is funny like that.

“If life knocks you down seven times…get back up eight.” – unknown

“To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.” – Hellen Keller

The point here is that I am a bit down as I write this, but in the very act of writing this I am learning what I need to know and I am getting back up. I am hopefully helping someone else get back up too. For in the end we all will fall…countless times.  Every time you consciously work through your stumbles you will build a stronger foundation.  The falls won’t stop because that’s life and we don’t have control. In the end you will see that everything circles back, but the hope is that we learn to handle it better. You really are worth the time and the energy.  You really are worth your own effort.  XO Ella

“Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.” – Janis Joplin

She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went. It’s easier to feel the sunlight without them, she said. – Brian Andreas

I am on my journey; well into it in fact. Just when I think I am making ground, life socks it to me. Maybe it is to keep me humble. To remind me that I am far from perfect and that life will forever be a continuous classroom for me. I am an eager student as I don’t much like pain or heartache. Yet somehow I always manage to find my way stuck back in the corner with the dunce hat on.

Today I am really hurting. I had a miserable fight last night with my boyfriend who happens to be my dear friend too, as it should be. Anyway, it didn’t last long…maybe 10 minutes, but there was anger sprawled all over the walls in invisible ink. The things we said were true…it was how we felt at the time. However, anger has a nice way of taking one thought and making it morph into something so much bigger at times.

No matter what happens I am not shattered. I shattered years ago and I really don’t think it can happen again to me. Last night, I was ANGRY, HURT, and I felt BETRAYED. Yes, I cried many tears and I woke up this morning looking like I had puffer fish for eyes. I guess that’s when the shock hit. I hate this fight because it was so stupid and there was no reason for it. I try so hard to be open and honest. However, a partnership takes two people and the other person in this one has a hard time expressing himself. It built up on both sides, and it just exploded. What a mess we can make of our lives in a split second. If only we could go back in time for a minute and take back that one response. Alas, we cannot and life rolls out as it does and we are left to choose how we want to respond and react to all the things, including ourselves.

I regret that argument. I regret the fact that we hurt each other. I regret the fact that he is so stinking unhappy with me. I wish I could change it, but I can’t. I can only change myself and how I proceed from this point forward. Today, I decided to be a detective. I wanted to delve deep into what preceded this argument and what was said to try to figure out the ‘why’ on a deeper level. I had to go deep, not to discover his flaws, but to find out why I keep finding myself in this situation.

I survived an abusive marriage. I then fell in love with a man who died a few years later. My current love is an amazing person. Yes, he has faults and shortcomings but so do we all. I hate fighting…I spent years literally defending my life as a married woman. I can’t do fights…I hate them. I lose myself in them. Usually, I try to just stop them before they start. Yes, I know that this is NOT healthy. It is a remnant from the past where I walked on eggshells to keep the peace. Oddly enough today I accepted the fact that I have still been up to my old tricks. I am not writing to place blame on anyone here. There is no fault to be had…this is life. Relationships are hard work, communication is key, and arguments happen.

The other day I read something from Melody Beattie that nearly knocked me over:

“….I know. We didn’t get loved the way we wanted. Some of us have spent years picking through the messy issues of parents who had unusual ways of showing love or who didn’t show love at all.

We may have had spouses who were dreadful at showing love. Issues like alcoholism and other dysfunc­tions can genuinely interfere with a person’s ability to love. Some of us took that personally.We looked around and the only conclusion we could come up with is that we weren’t lovable.

Some of us need to grieve the absence of love in our family of origin. We may have missed an important emo­tional lesson while growing up, and we barely realize it. That lesson is understanding how lovable we are.

Some of us learned to protect ourselves by caring for others, while refusing to let love into our own lives. We found that it is easier to shut down and not be open to love, rather than be denied love.”

Revelation. I read it again today after my ugly argument of last night. As always I had an impromptu therapy session with my best friend. It wasn’t what you might think…two women bashing on the guy. No, I wanted to understand what the hell was going on with me. I was glimpsing the big picture, but I couldn’t make it out clearly. I think that now I can finally see clearly the pieces to the jumble of the puzzle that is my life.

Just to recap with you: I had a lovely childhood, but I was one of many. I guess I needed more attention then I got because I can remember feeling misunderstood and in the way. I don’t blame my folks…I know how hard it is to be a parent. It’s just how it was. I am an empath and incredibly sensitive to others pain. I didn’t need more, I just needed someone to understand me. Childhood morphed into an unhappy adolescence which is par for the course for many. Still feeling completely misunderstood I moved into adulthood. I had a successful career and accolades, but as soon as I started having serious relationships I was so off my game.

Today, I pieced some of the puzzle together. I never felt like I fit in, was understood, or good enough. As a result I felt a lot of inner pain growing up despite the fact that from all angles I was a pretty well-adjusted kid. I didn’t know what to do when I met people who were in emotional pain. It drew me in like a magnet. I felt I could help them because I understood and felt their pain deep into my bones. I was not taught to have healthy boundaries and this is the crux of my problem. Today, I decided that I was going to figure out the common thread that ran through all the men I have had relationships with in order to help heal myself and grow.

I found it, and I didn’t have to do much forensic work. It was staring me down… straight on. All my relationships have been with men who while lovely, have had tumultuous youths. Without meaning any harm, I naturally wanted to help them; even though they didn’t ask for it. I have an incredibly strong personality and I want to help; apparently even at my own expense. My pain as a child allowed me to attract the same in a partner. I guess I always thought that I could love the pain away. You would think that after my marriage I would have learned…not so much. Sure, I put up boundaries, but they couldn’t protect me from something that I really didn’t understand until today. I have attracted partners that I felt were broken like me so I could feel understood. Feeling understood would allow me to feel loved and accepted. It doesn’t work this way friends. It is time for me to leave these pieces in the past and move forward with open eyes.

I need to see myself and how I relate to partners in a new light. I need to accept that I am lovable and I deserve to be loved by a healthy and whole person who can balance me. It is NOT my job to save anyone but myself; nor educate anyone but my children. I think that today I passed with an A. Unfortunately, I had to hit the emotional exploding point with someone I love very much to get it. True love conquers all…I do believe this. I am not talking about the love of romance, but deep soulful love. My favorite poet Kahlil Gibran said, “So as love crowns us so shall it crucify us.” I am realistic in these matters; I know that all roads in life have bumps in them. The kind of love I am looking for might not be attainable. However, I know if I keep working on being a better me and making better choices then I have HOPE. I know what I need to look for and what I need to avoid; and I certainly know that it is NOT my job to save anyone but myself. It isn’t possible for me to give anyone back a happy childhood…even myself.

So, I have picked myself up and I have kicked my ego out the door. This is the real deal; life is bumpy. True relationships are hard work, but they are worth it. It has been said that “We attract the love we think we deserve”. This has an all new meaning for me today. I have chosen to forgive and let go. I commit to being a better version of me, and to let go of the pieces of me that no longer serve me. I am lovable and I am worthy of the same kind of love that I have to give to someone. Here’s to better choices and learning life’s lessons quicker! Xo Ella

I had an “Ah ha” moment this week.  It was really more of an “Oh my GOD, get your head outta your arse” moment.  I am not too proud to admit when I feel as though I have been foolish…dumb…oblivious.  DENIAL really is a powerful thing.

Now,  for those of you who are immediately reading this and saying, “Ella, don’t be so hard on yourself.” I am here to tell you that I am okay. I have a wicked sense of humor and while I don’t use it on other people while I encourage and support them along on their journey, it is a part of my heritage and it helps me to get on with it.  It’s how I deal personally. So, that being said…I am okay and ever so grateful that I have seen the light finally.

This is a pretty tough thing for me to admit, but I need to share it in order to own it.  Maybe it will open someone else’s eyes to their own situation.  So, here it goes… As many of you know I am a survivor of Domestic Violence. I have become an advocate for many women over the past few of years and I am always referring back to the Cycle of Violence chart that we have all come to know so well.  For those of you who do not know about this incredible Cycle of Violence let me give you a very quick lesson.

It really is this simple.  I could get into a wordy explanation, but this diagram pretty much explains it all very simply. If you would like more information just Google, Cycle of Abuse and you will become very well-informed.  Sometimes the cycles might be a year apart, and other times they might be hours apart.  DV victims are systematically broken down over time.  The cycle starts and it grows stronger, bigger, and bolder before the victim ever realizes that they are in it. Being aware and educated is the first step in breaking the cycle.

I broke the cycle. I took my 2 young children and fled and extremely abusive marriage.  I recognized the cycle and I knew that I could NOT allow my children to grow up in it or they would perpetrate the same cycle as adults. I chose to leave.  I thought that by leaving I broke the cycle…this week I learned that I was wrong.

This is a very humbling experience for me.  I educate people about this…I run groups for women.  I am in the KNOW.  This past week my “Ah ha” moment was that I was allowing my youngest child, my baby, to perpetuate the cycle in my home. He had been given control, by me. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Talk about a hard pill to swallow.

Let me give you a little background here; my son struggles with anxiety.  He has been misdiagnosed as having ADHD, OCD, ODD, and etc. PTSD is really the only thing that fits right now.  We are still working towards the missing puzzle pieces for him at the moment.  Keep in mind that he is an amazing child; brilliant, funny, loving, and a love of my life. However, his anxiety issues have always caused him to act out.  Yes, ever since he was a baby in the crib.  He has been quick to upset and hard to soothe. It has been suggested that he might have Asperger’s Syndrome; we continue on our journey to find the key to unlock the mystery of him.

Here’s the thing. When you live with a person who is easy to upset you can start to tip toe around their triggers.  You in fact start to walk on eggshells and just try to keep them calm, keep the peace in order to have some sort of peace. This is exactly what I have been dealing with.  We have been going through a crisis lately and as a result we have brought in new therapists. It was this weeks session that brought the curtain down for me.

I had left my husband and the cycle of violence behind, only to find that I was continuing to let similar behavior perpetuate in my home from my son. It is not my son’s fault….it is mine. I have been the enabler. Wow.  Talk about a slap upside the head. My other child gave such a simple example that summed it all up so nicely.  He said, “I am tired of eating Vanilla ice cream.  I like other flavors, but we always get Vanilla so he doesn’t throw a fit. Vanilla keeps the peace.”

Did I mention to you that I had an “Ah ha” moment this past week?! Holy Shit.
What more can I say…I just laid it all out for you. My youngest son has some issues that I need to get a handle on. In the meantime, I am learning how to take the control back since he has had all the control in this house since his father left. I have given him the control…not intentionally, but because it was what I was programmed to do.  I would NEVER allow another man to treat me this way, but I was allowing my son to do so.

I am taking parenting lessons to teach me how to raise my son in a manner in which is best suited for him and his special needs. I am taking back the control and I am going to allow him to be him in all his glory; he just doesn’t get to rule the house with his outbursts.  All along I was thinking that his issues dictated our life…we rolled with the punches. However, I have now learned that while he may have special needs he still needs to follow a code. I have allowed him to emotionally manipulate and control this home and it has now stopped.

It is not going to be easy.  I am already exhausted, but I have such HOPE.  I KNOW that my son is going to be okay.  I know that I have caught this in time to help change this bad cycle. I know that he is going to grow into an amazing man and that his brother will have time to heal as well. My children are as different as night is to-day. I have always known that not all children respond to the same type of teaching.  What I didn’t realize was that because I was so used to being in the cycle of walking on egg shells around my ex husband that I just continued to do it with my child because it is what I know.

I am not beating myself up over this, but yes, I feel a bit foolish.  Why didn’t I see this?  The point is that now I do and I am going to do the work and make the changes that I need to make.  In the end we will all be happier and I have such an optimistic outlook for our futures.  I share this with you so that you can perhaps learn from my mistakes.  The cycle of violence is a very real and powerful thing. Once we are conditioned it is very hard to break.  If you have left an abusive relationship…I am so proud of you.  If you have children please make sure that you are aware that you can still be subject to it.  There is hope…the cycle can be broken, but you will need help and support.

Today, I have incredible support and we are on our way.  We are going to find out exactly what is troubling my child and we are going to learn healthy and positive ways to deal with it. I am not going to break him by being a strong mother.  I am a strong woman…I have walked through fire to save these kids, and to give us a new life. I am not going to surrender to a cycle that I thought I had run from, only to find out that I had become the enabler of the cycle in my home, and with my own child.

Life is hard, but we must always strive to be better versions of ourselves. We must never settle for less. We can have balanced healthy lives no matter what our circumstances may be.  We need to commit to the idea that we are WORTHY of being treated with respect and love in all situations.

XO Ella

Many years ago I lived as a prisoner in an apartment that most wouldn’t recognize as a cell.  I don’t like to go back there in my head…there are some scary memories that lurk there.  The truth is that no matter how much work I have done on releasing my past, some nightmares never leave you.  Oh you can face them, forgive, and continue to grow, but the visual images in your head, the body memories of the fear and pain, they don’t necessarily leave you.  Those are the feelings that are lodged in our primitive brains…they exist and you need to figure out how to manage them.  I have chosen to turn my back on them for the most part.  I don’t bury them, because some fear is healthy to have…it can save your life.

I have been thinking about my past in contrast to my present.  I started Rebel Thriver because I wanted my experience to serve as a beacon to others…DON’T YOU DARE GIVE UP.  There truly is a light at the end of the tunnel and I know this because I have found it.  There is not a day that goes by that I am not incredibly grateful…I know what I have and I know how far I have come. Today, we celebrate the International Day of Women; I decided to celebrate my freedom by sharing with you a little of my story in the hopes that it will bring someone else hope.

Ten years ago my favorite word was Freedom.  I used it as my anchor word.  When the shit was hitting the fan as it so often did I would repeat “Freedom” over and over in my head. I knew that although I was living in an abusive marriage that freedom still existed for me and my children.  I didn’t know how I would find it, but I knew that I couldn’t give up on the dream.  From the exterior no one knew how bad it truly was behind that apartment door.  When the door opened I was dressed and ready to go…appearances were always up.  I had truly perfected my performance over the years.  When I look back at it I feel as though I am watching a movie that is staring some other woman.

Freedom: the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint.

I clung to the idea of freedom as I locked myself in the bathroom to find solace. I clung to freedom when my husband came home drunk, angry, and looking for a fight. I clung to freedom when he stopped taking his medication and decided that he was going to do whatever it was that he wanted to do.  I clung to freedom as I pushed my babies around town in an overused stroller, trying to kill time so as not to have to go “home”.  I clung to freedom when I was trying to formulate a plan of escape…a plan that I knew I had to get right or the consequences would be high.  So high in fact that failure was not an option.  I was scared to death.  Literally.

The good new is that I sit here and write about this now as if it were a bad dream…i am no longer connected to it.  I found my freedom.  I sacrificed the life i knew for Freedom and in doing so I found a new life.  I wish it was as easy as that last sentence rolls off the tongue, but it wasn’t.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and it went on for years.  It was during this time after the kids and I escaped, while I was relishing my new-found freedom, that my anchor word changed to HOPE.

I had made the great escape; No more terrorist attacks in the middle of the night.  No more violence for my children to bear witness to.  No more yelling………. Over night I had become a refugee in my own country.  The law didn’t hold up its end of the bargain…it let my children and I down.  So while I had my freedom, it wasn’t safe for me to use it.  I was still under his thumb and I had to be vigilant 100% of the time.  There were no holidays for this mother. I was on call 24/7 and I couldn’t fall asleep on my watch if I wanted to stay alive.  It took a lot to get out of bed back then.  It was so hard, and I had two little children; one with special needs.

I kept going though. A spark of HOPE was inside of me and I don’t know if I was dumb or stubborn, but I kept getting out of bed every single day.  I kept doing what I had to do.  The truth is though that my worst day was so much better then my best day had been before I found my freedom.  Even though I was completely overwhelmed I kept going. I had no goal other than to stay alive and take care of my children.  I tried to make everyday fun for them.  I tried to make it an adventure.  It’s so hard to smile when you feel no joy though.  As a matter of fact I felt nothing; I was numb.  Working through that was a challenge to say the least.

Hope: Hope is the state which promotes the belief in an outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life.  The opposite of despair.

Fear causes you to numb out the pain and if you want to move on and grow you need to face that pain.  That very pain that you have buried deep within and carried around for so long. The reality is that if you don’t commit to doing the work then you are faced with what I found to be a worse senario…to be forever stuck.  To be numb, memories repressed, and forced to live out your life in a labyrinth; always trying to find your way out, and frustrated because it isn’t happening for you.  The only way out is through the pain.  I knew this and Hope helped me through those very hard years.

There are people who are curious; they want to know details of my former life.  I dare not get into the details for a few reason.  The first one being that it would be folly on my part to divulge specific incidents which would expose who and where I am to a very interested party.  Secondly, I have done the work.  I am happy to say that I chose to push through the pain and sail to the other shore where my past wouldn’t be a part of my present.  I make a choice every single day as to what thoughts I express…i can’t stop my mind from bringing up memories.  They are there and they are a part of me.  However, I can choose not to give them energy.  This is why I don’t tell all the nitty gritty details…not because I can’t face them, but because it does not serve me to do so.  The past is left behind for a reason and while I can see it in my rearview mirror, I choose not to turn around.

For those of you who are trapped or just finding your way out of an abusive situation keep going. I know how overwhelming it feels.  I know you are probably wondering how the hell I did it; will you ever be this strong.  This is why I write…I am blazing the trail for you. I am asking you to not give up.  There is freedom on the other side of fear and pain.  Lao-Tzu said, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”  This might feel overwhelming to you if you are at the beginning of your journey, but it’s that one step that got me to where I am today.  I took one step, then another, and truthfully I had no idea where I was going.  I just knew I had to keep moving forward.  This is when I found my new anchor word which remains with me to this very day…BELIEVE.

I Believe that good things can happen.  I believe that my children are going to grow up to be healthy well adjusted adults.  I believe that salvation exists for those who truly want it.  I believe that I am worthy of my freedom and happiness.  I think I decided to adopt Believe when I started this blog.  It was then that I decided to face my fears and let it rip.  Reaching out to other women has changed my life…and hopefully in some small way theirs. Today I am a beacon of light and a peddler of hope.  I Believe with all of me that you can have the life that you dream of. The only thing standing between you and your dream is your fears and self doubt…give them the boot they do not serve you.

Believe: to have a firm conviction as to the goodness of what can come.

If you are struggling right now I ask you to hold on; don’t give up.  Find your anchor word…I cannot tell you how powerful they are. These words became my daily mantra.  I would repeat, Freedom, and then Hope constantly.  Today I embrace Believe completely.  I would be a fool to do anything other than that.  I am blessed with such an abundance of goodness in my life that it truly overwhelms me.  You too can have this.  Believe it and manifest it to happen for you in your life. Don’t you think you are worth it?  If you struggle with self worth then you need to face down, because you are.  Don’t believe the negative voices in your head.  Remember that you are not your past…you are what you are going to become. You have the power to choose your path.  It might not be an easy road, but your Freedom is so worth it.

Let my story shine as an example that you can move on; you can grow, and you can thrive.  No, my life isn’t perfect.  I am not sure that anyone in their right mind would want to change places with me, but I am okay.  I have learned to love myself and forgive myself for allowing all those years to be lost; for not being brave enough to leave sooner. We are all human and we need to keep some levity while here on earth.
I Believed, and I have risen so much higher than I ever thought was possible.  When I glance in my rearview mirror I am reminded about how far I have come.  I share myself with you so that you can find Hope in your own life.  No surrender; this is your one and only life and you hold the pen.  If you don’t then get ready to take the pen back, or in my case just buy a new pen and keep going.   Xo Ella

Has anyone ever told you that you are allowed to be free of the chains that bind you? 
You have a ticket to freedom and you may not even realize it. It comes at a cost though. You have to do the work. I assure you that if I didn’t do the work in myself I wouldn’t be here writing this post. Let me clarify something for you…the work I speak of is a process. It is a never-ending journey of self discovery and growth. I like to think of it as sweat equity in yourself.  If you ask me there couldn’t be a more worthy cause.

Life has a way of knocking us down and kicking the shit out of us only to leave us battle-scarred and confused. So very often we find ourselves alone without anyone to understand or support us. Doubt sets in and we begin to question everything, including ourselves. I wish I knew everything that I know now back when I was in my teenage years. Life would have been so different for me. My load would be lighter and the baggage I carry around would be much smaller and way more stylish!

You gotta live it to know it though and there is no better teacher than our own mistakes. Perhaps that is why I have such a keen understanding of so many people. Listen, I come from a great family and that is no protection from what life can through at you. I have learned so much the hard way. I am honestly grateful for the knowledge that I have gained, but it came at a serious cost to my health at times. I like to say that it is in the past and I don’t live there anymore. Let me not go back. However, it’s not really that simple is it? We need to remember our past clearly so that we don’t fall prey again to bad situations. We need to remember so that we can help others navigate their way through their own lives.

There is a balance to be found in remembering and then letting go. History is studied throughout schools and Universities. If we want to be sure that we don’t repeat the past we need to study it. We need to know what led up to events and how we could have changed the outcome. The key is that you need to know some very certain truths:   You are not your past.  You are not what happened to you.  You are stronger than your past.  It is crucial to understand this and to know that in your desire to move forward you may have to take a step back first. What do I mean by this?
You need to do the work on yourself before you can move forward to lay new foundations. Otherwise you will have cracks.

It isn’t easy to stop in your tracks and look within after years of running. You may think it is easier to just keep moving. I know I did. For years I kept myself über busy. I was a workaholic burning the rope at both ends just so I didn’t have to come face to face with myself. Eventually, that rope burned out and I had no choice. I had to live my life in the moment and allow myself to feel things. In order to cope with the pain I was feeling I needed to seek knowledge and enlightenment. The big thing that I learned was that somethings cause us such immense pain and heartache and there is no way around it. We have to live through it and sit with the pain. There have been moments where I thought I would die. I felt that I literally couldn’t do it, but I did and the pain eventually passed. I emerged wiser.

It’s here that you learn to stop living in the past, but you can still recognize it. The chains have been broken, but you are beyond it. Here is the place where forgiveness is critical, and when you can work through that you will well be on your way. You will be wiser and emotionally lighter.
I often say that you have to do the work in order to heal and move on. Simply put, you need to feel to heal. Some people just can’t grasp this concept. I want you to know that if you are one of these people your time will most certainly come. You will one day arrive at a crossroads where you will need to stop running and face yourself and all the events that led you to that moment. When you get there embrace it as hard as it might be and don’t be scared. Freedom is near if you can stay the course.

xo Ella

 

A year ago today I sat down and wrote my very first blog post.  I called my blog Rebel Thriver for a very specific reason.  It was a year ago that I had decided that I was tired of living within the confines of the life I was regulated to as a result of domestic violence. I was tired of the endless nightmares, constant triggers, and memory loss that PTSD has bestowed upon me.  I needed a way out and I decided that writing would give me the open window that I so desperately needed.  The problem was that I was barely able to write a paragraph.  It took so much deliberate thought to write a few cohesive sentences that I didn’t know how I would do it, but I was determined.  Writing had saved me as an adolescent and I knew it could again.

It has been an amazing year of growth for me personally and I am grateful that I had the courage to sit down and start typing. I signed up for a creative writing class at the local college, knowing that my pride would make me push for an A; I was right about that.  I started that class, and  this blog all around the same time.  I never in a million years could have imagined how the creation of Rebel Thriver would impact my life.

Where did the name Rebel Thriver come from?  Exactly a year ago I was sitting on my bed with my boyfriend expressing my frustration at feeling so limited by my life’s circumstances.  As he always does he challenged me to find a way to change it.  I was taking the writing class to improve myself and my skills; in doing so I cracked the damn that held back my feelings.  I half jokingly said to him, “I should start a blog.  I would call it Rebel Survivor.  Rebel, because a blog is not the safest thing for me to set out to do and survivor because…                       Survivor doesn’t fit me anymore…I am ready to THRIVE.  Rebel Thriver it is.”

 I wrote my first blog post on February 18, 2012 and it was titled “Sometimes you have to be your own Hero”.  After that I quickly followed up with “Cliff Diving” which pretty much expressed the utter fear I had about writing a public blog.  That was the true beginning though…it was there that I declared VICTORY!  I claimed my freedom with all its limitations and I yelled, “I am FREE.”

Liberated pretty much describes how I felt a year ago.  I truly hadn’t felt that free in so many years.  I had gone from living as a prisoner in my marriage right into the shadows in order to keep my children and me alive.  I wish I could say that I was being over dramatic here, but it’s the truth.  The day I met my ex-husband the earth shook…he was everything I ever dreamed of.  That veneer quickly crumbled, but it was already too late…I was stuck. I was a victim of domestic violence and trapped in a vicious cycle. Rebel Thriver was a new beginning for me.  It allowed me to cast off the chains that were holding me down and start living in a new way. I quickly started a Facebook page to go along with my blog…something I swore I would NEVER do.  I thought Facebook was cheesy and a waste of time.  Little did I know that I would find myself and my calling through the many incredible people I met there.  I am so beyond grateful for these friendships.

Life is about learning, loving, growing, and letting go. This past year I have focused on helping others.  I wanted to use what I have been through and what it has taught me in order to help others along the way.  It had been so unbearably lonely and isolating for me.  I found quickly that in helping others I was healing.  I have found my path, and I have gained a new sense of clarity.  Now, believe me when I say that it wasn’t an easy year…they call them growing pains for a reason. They suck, and at times I thought I couldn’t push through them. Then I found one of my favorite mantra’s: There is freedom on the other side of pain.  

This was the moment of the great epiphany for me.  I realized that being numb and avoiding the past, the pain, and the truth would never allow me to make it past “GO”.  I would never find my happy if I kept dulling out the pain with Valium.  I needed to sit with it, feel it, and face it.  If I could do this without internally combusting then I might just have a chance.  So, I tried and it was HORRIBLE….but I did it.  I cried and felt like I would die, and yet I lived.  Life is like this sometimes I have learned.

The year of 2012 turned out to be quite a ride, but I hung on and found my own mantra…ebb and flow. There were so many low points last year…times where I thought I wouldn’t be able to find my way out of the maze of confusion and pain, and yet I did. I followed the advice I had been giving others and I was amazed at how much it changed me.  If I could squeeze it all into one word it would be BELIEVE.  It is within this one word that I found the universe; and so I started believing with all of me.

Rebel Thriver has become so much more than a blog for me to express myself…it has evolved into a community; I happen to prefer the word “tribe” to describe us though.  I have amazing people working alongside me now, and the focus is to create a thriving business. This will allow us to help more people, and offer services such as classes, workshops, coaching, and retreats.  There are a couple of quotes that I love and remind me specifically of the tribe: “Remember we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it is a comfort to go hand in hand” (Emily Kimbrough), and “We are all just walking each other home” (Ram Dass). These pretty much sum up the Rebel Thriver philosophy.  The old adage is true, we live and we learn. It is so amazing to have such incredible people along side of me on this journey; friends who are courageous enough to admit that they too have emerged from broken, and are back on their path, and thriving.

Through the journey of the past year I too have emerged from broken. I took a chance; I jumped off the cliff only to find that my wings had grown stronger that I ever could have imagined.  I am in a constant state of becoming and I love this. I have learned that living in the present moment is where I will find my peace and that I don’t always have to have the answers to the many questions swirling around in my head. The answer is quite simple my friends…BELIEVE.

To all of you who have been with me on this journey I say THANK YOU with all of my heart and soul.  You have helped me to grow, to heal, and to trust life again.  I have SO much love for you, and I thank for holding my hand along the way…you make my world so much better.

Ella xo

I am finally at a place in my life where I can tell my story and not feel burdened by it.  It is my past, and I am NOT my past or what happened to me.  People so often want to feel sorry for me when I tell them a bit of my story.  Which is one of the reasons I don’t share it too much; and details are impossible to share as I am living out of harms way.  I am grateful for the empathy that people express, don’t get me wrong, but it’s really education and awareness that is needed.  I can speak for women and children of domestic violence; I can speak for women who have been raped. These are things that I have lived through and have triumphed over.  These things I understand.

Please don’t misunderstand me when I say I have triumphed.  I live with PTSD and anxiety.  Many people have heard the term PTSD, but they don’t know what it feels like to be inside my head.  I have good days and bad days just like everyone else.  I am however in a constant dialogue with myself about all of the triggers that are constantly going off like landmines in my mind.  Yes, time has lessened the intensity, however, they are still there.  It causes me to lose focus pretty easily and this is the hardest part for me.  I used to be so organized and precise; everything just lined up so easily for me.  Now, I try so hard and some days I just can’t keep it all straight or get it all done.  This causes me anxiety because I am always trying to do my best.  It’s exhausting work being me, and what I need to do is be nicer to myself.

I started this blog less than a year ago.  My intention was to express my feelings and thoughts for therapy.  I needed to be heard…I needed to hear me. Writing it down was the best way for me to do that.  I don’t like to tell the details of my story as they are raw and it’s in the past.  I have left it there finally.  I share my story only so that I can help others feel like they are not alone.  It has been put to me many times that I should write a book, but why would I want to write something that I wouldn’t want to read myself?  Yes, I fell in love and my dream shattered into a million pieces.  I lost my best friend to mental illness.  My children lost a father.  It’s sad stuff.  I had everything I ever wanted in my life…and then it fell apart.

Domestic Violence is humiliating, and it doesn’t discriminate.  I want to help take the stigma away.  I want to help other’s know that they can stop the cycle and that they can have their life back.  It is NOT easy, I won’t lie.  I literally escaped with two babies in my arms.  I have done years and years of work to get to the place that I am today in terms handling my past.  I don’t want to consciously re-visit it.  I do want people to know that I have the capacity to understand though.  I have walked a long, hard road; but even at my weakest I always managed to keep a glimmer of hope alive.  I had a dream that I could have my life back; that’s what kept me going

Rebel Thriver has changed my life. What started out as a personal blog has become a beautiful community.  I have the best friends in the world…literally.  They continue to challenge me and help me along as I continue to grow and work through the tough stuff.  For those of us with broken pasts, we cannot erase them, but we can release them.  Freedom lies on the other side of pain.  That doesn’t mean that our lives will be pain free…it means that we know that the pain will pass.  The sun will shine again and we can feel better.  Our days have not been delegated to the shadows.  We have a choice everyday.  I choose the path of the warrior.  I am a Rebel Thriver with a Cause.

If we can each pay it forward and help each other along then humanity wins.  I give you my hand.  I ask nothing in return but for you to offer yours to someone else. My thoughts might be scattered, but I am focused on one thing.  I dream of growing the Rebel Thriver Tribe into a true community.  I feel I found my true calling.  I haven’t figured out the how yet; I am taking it one day at a time.  Eckhart Tolle says, “Do not be concerned with the fruit of your action – just give attention to the action itself.  The fruit will come of its own accord.”  In other words,”If you build it, they will come.”

It is possible to forgive and let go of the past.  It is possible to have a new beginning. Don’t let your past encroach on your present; don’t let the fear of tomorrow rob you of your today.  Everything is possible if you believe. Miracles do happen if you are open to receiving them.  I have seen them with my own eyes.

xo Ella

“In search of my mother’s garden, I found my own.” – Alice Walker

I have no daughter; it’s something that I will always long for deep within.  I have felt the need to create the relationship with a daughter that I never had with my own mother.  I know as a parent that no one gives you a manual; you take what you have learned and tweak it, throw out the bad, and try to fill in the gaps with the pieces you feel that you missed out on.  Then you wrap it all up in love.  I have already made it clear to my kids that I am far from perfect; i will screw up, but I LOVE them with all my heart and I am going to do my best to raise them into good men.  It’s hard for a woman to raise a man.

“And so our mothers and grandmothers have, more often than not anonymously, handed on the creative spark, the seed of the flower they themselves never hoped to see – or like a sealed letter they could not plainly read.” – Alice Walker

My mother has always been beautiful and she possesses a flair for the artistic & dramatic.  As a writer she had the potential to be quite successful if she hadn’t chosen to be a “mother” to a brood of children instead. Back then you didn’t get a choice.  I remember growing up as a small child feeling her frustration.  Knowing even then that she had regrets about her choices.  As a six-year-old I didn’t understand them; I felt like I was in the way, and it was confusing.

As a teenager of the 1950’s my mother lived what appeared to be a storybook life; cheerleading captain, most popular, star of the play, and Queen of the Senior Ball.  We used to play in her ball gowns from high school when I was a kid…I remember the blue one with the white flowers as my favorite. The pictures of her at 16 in her strapless gown, hair done up, and red lipstick on as she waited for her boyfriend (my father) to pick her up for a dance are forever imprinted in my mind.  To me her adolescence was storybook and I figured mine would be the same.  Truth be known, she had an oppressive and abusive father; and those times were turbulent for her.  She ignored the bad and focused on the good memories as she tried to find herself as a young mother.  I only got part of the story, and to me it was what fairy tales were made of.

“In search of my mother’s garden, I found my own.” – Alice Walker

My parents are still married to this day.  They are done raising their children and have grandchildren now. They made a lot of mistakes raising us, like most parents do.  It was brutal actually.  Fear caused them to be strict and turn to religion as the proverbial crutch.  The iron clad grip that they had on us backfired.  There were no dances, strapless gowns or red lipstick for me; no dating or MTV either.  I felt cheated.  I was about 15 when I realized that there was no storybook for me; I realized that I was never going to have what my mother did so I decided to reject it all.  I rejected her.  Her religious beliefs, her conservative style, her need for stability, and her desire for a community of like-minded people.  Their friends were the worst…they got in the way and muddied the waters even more for me.  So, I rebelled.  I took my mother’s creative spark and ran with it.  I threw it back in her face and told her that I would have what she always wanted.  She chose her life and gave up her dreams, but I wouldn’t.  It caused us both a lot of pain, but is was a pain that felt good to me as a teen.

“What I would like to give my daughter is freedom.  And this is something that must be given by example, not exhortation.  Freedom is a loose leash, license to be different from your mother and still be loved…Freedom is…not insisting that your daughter share your limitations.  Freedom also means letting your daughter reject you when she needs to and come back when she needs to.  Freedom is unconditional love.” – Erica Jong

So I grew.  I raised myself emotionally as she wasn’t there to do that. My parents provided for me and they were always there…and still are.  However, as a young adult I was on my own with my thoughts and feelings…pretty scary times when you fuel it with anger.  I endured a lot of unnecessary life scenarios because of this dynamic and it has taken me years to get to where I am today.

Today, I have found my life, my way, my beliefs, and my own garden to tend to.  I have come to peace with the fact that my life didn’t turn out as I thought it would; there would be no storybook.  I fell many times, but every time I fell I got back up.  Life handed me lessons and while it took me awhile to learn some of them (and I have many more to learn), I have been an eager student.  I am not bitter, I accept what has passed before me.  It has all been a part of my journey and it has brought me here.  It helped that my parents apologized to my siblings and I when we were in our 20’s.  They acknowledged many of their mistakes; while they couldn’t change them they wanted us to know they did their best out of love.  Life never handed them a learning manual either and they had to do the best with what they had been given.  And so it goes…generation down to generation.  We try to correct the sins of the past and avoid making our own inevitable ones.

”We found ourselves always torn between the mothers in our heads and the women we needed to become simply to stay alive. With one foot in the past and another in the future, we hobbled through first love, motherhood, marriage, divorce, careers, menopause, widowhood—never knowing what or who we were supposed to be, staking out new emotional territory at every turn—like pioneers.” – Erica Jong

Today the irony does not escape me.  I am so much like my mother in so many ways.  I always thought my sister was just like her, but it is clear to me that after all the years of frustration and rejection of my mother it is I who is so much like her.  I love my children more than life itself, I am artist, I run a group for like-minded women in the search for a community where I feel supported, safe, and loved…and I write.  I have my mother’s passion to help other women and the empathy to do so. She didn’t want me to know her pain growing up and so I only saw the storybook.  From that I learned that the truth is so powerful and so important.  I wish she had told me the whole story.  The empathy she has is what I have inherited from her…It is my birthright and it flows through my veins.  It calls to me stronger than my art does at this time in my life.  To feel that connection to humanity after being such a rebel for so long is the miracle that my mother gave me. She taught me to give back, to love others; to turn my hard knocks into lessons for helping others survive.

I stay in my garden and I stick to my style of planting, growing, and harvesting.  I don’t feel pressured to be different from her to spite her anymore.  I am the gardener of my soul and I make the choices for the well-being of myself and my tribe.  I plant seeds in the sunlight, but I know that we need the rain to have a bountiful crop.  I also know that love, unconditional love makes the flowers grow.  That is what my mother gave me.  She allowed me to reject her and come back to her and still does, unconditionally.

xo Ella