Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding…

It is so easy to get caught up in the “woe is me” of life. Here on Earth we all face struggles and as the days fade in and out so do they. Pain can come to us wearing many different faces and I have met just about all of them. One thing I know is that pain changes you.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain…

I think I have suffered more than my share of pain in this lifetime and I know that there is more to come. Emotional, physical, psychological, spiritual, and mental pain have all visited me at one time or another. I am not talking about the fight you had with your sister over cleaning your mom’s house. I am talking about the pain that comes like an unwitting visitor and takes up residence in your life. The take no prisoners kind of pain. This is the pain that comes to test you right down to your core and shake your roots and everything that you may think you know about life.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; 

This pain my dear ones is for your growth and sometimes growth hurts like hell. It makes me think back to having braces. My mouth being too small to fit my adult teeth needed to have 5 teeth pulled. With the magic of some metal and wire they slowly shifted my teeth around my mouth to make a perfect smile. Now that I have the beautiful teeth I am so glad that I suffered through all of the pain, but during it I tell you I was not happy. I didn’t want them on, but my parents kept telling me it would be worth it. They were right.

Much of your pain is self-chosen. 
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self…  

I do believe that some of our pain is self chosen even if we don’t fully realize it at the time. I read a quote the other day that said, “Remember the last time you confused a life lesson for a soul mate?” A perfect example of my marriage. Well I loved that man and I suffered for it. A lot. I learned my lesson though, but oh how I wish that I had been able to learn it in an easier way. Could I have? Probably. If I had been raised in another way perhaps I would have not felt the need to save someone else. I would not have recognized that pain as a comfortable “knowing” between the two of us that caused me to mistake him as a soul mate. Yes, I felt that because he had suffered he could understand me. THAT was one of the biggest lessons of my life. It certainly was the messiest to clean up. Perhaps he was a soul mate in the end. Our soul mates do not come into our lives to give us peace but to challenge us and in the end he certainly did this.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity: For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen…

Recently, I have been dealt a back injury. It has completely taken me down, and during the season of the year that I love frolicking outside the most. I cannot walk without pain and I cannot do the things that I want (surf). I know this is temporary and I can soldier through it (now without drugs because I think the pain is a lesser evil than the drugs). Physical pain is a relative thing and everyone experiences it differently. I like to think that I am not a sissy, however intense pain over an extended time changes you. I know that I am being dealt a lesson or two here and my mind is wide open to it all. I want to learn my lessons and the sooner the better. I want to get it right this time around. The first lesson that I am learning is empathy on a deeper level for those that live in chronic and debilitating physical pain. Another is learning to love and honor myself in all ways. My body has always been strong and healthy for the most part. So I am incredibly grateful for the new insight that this pain is giving me on a whole other level. It doesn’t matter if it “looks perfect”, what matters is that it is healthy and works. This is teaching me patience and compassion on a whole new level. It’s not like I haven’t dealt with pain either. It’s just that here in my life where I am today I am learning this lesson from a different perspective. That is life. We live. We learn. We grow. We move on. 

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

– Kahlil Gibran

When I first left my abusive husband, kind-hearted people would often say to me, “Don’t worry you are still young and beautiful. You will find another man and fall in love again.” That was not what I wanted or needed to hear though. I didn’t feel young and beautiful. I didn’t want another man. I wanted the man who I had married to return to me without the mental illness. Now, I knew that couldn’t happen and so I just wanted to find myself and fall in love with her.

Every relationship both good and bad are unique unto themselves. I have one friend who I can honestly say probably understands where I have been because she lived a similar experience. When I married my husband we were so in love. He was my best friend and I just wanted to be with him every minute of the day. We planned a life together and shared dreams. Big dreams. Reality bites and sometimes dreams are crushed. It’s hard when a spouse gets sick. I vowed to be with him through sickness and health and I meant it. I never thought that the sickness would be mental. I never ever thought he would turn it all against me. I had never been abused before. I never wanted to break my vows, but the reality was that my life depended on it.

If you lose a partner to mental illness it will leave you shattered.  There is no way around that. For me it was akin to watching Mr. Hyde turn into Dr. Jekyll. Over time Dr. Jekyll came to stay permanently, but the memories and fleeting glimpses of Mr. Hyde kept me praying for a miracle. Years later I accepted that no miracle was coming for our marriage and I left. I stayed too long as it was. I took my heart and wrapped it up for good and put it on a shelf. The divorce was final and that was that. There was no desire left in me for another relationship. I felt like an old woman inside and I was content on surviving and raising my kids. That I thought, would be my life.

Now I know there is at least one person out there reading this who can relate. When you truly fall in love with someone and they disappear on you, that love doesn’t just disappear. You have to mourn and grieve that loss. So when you are in that place and someone tells you that you are young and will find another man it really just makes you want to throw up. Finding LOVE is the last thing you are thinking about. You are still reeling and trying to figure out what happened to the man you still love. There is no love switch to flip on and off.

Life can be so confusing and at times we feel our smallness amplified.

Years have passed since I left my marriage and I have spent that time finding Ella. Not only have I found her, but I love her with all of my heart. It just so happens that in the midst of looking for myself I found love. You know that old saying, “when you least expect it…” Well, that’s exactly what happened. I met a man who became a best friend. I had no idea that I would fall in love. Love? Yes, I said love. He didn’t look like someone I would have fallen in love with, but I did. He was an amazing person and he helped me grow more than I even realized at the time.

We have already established here that life can be cruel. I found love, lost love, found love, and then I lost it again. This beautiful soul that I had fallen in love with disappeared on me…just like that. We didn’t have much time together, but I loved him. He helped me to see that I wasn’t broken, just a little bent. He showed me that I was lovable and that I could love again. Sadly, it wasn’t long after he proposed to me that he left me. Twelve years sober and strong lost to drugs and all from a prescription cough syrup he got for Bronchitis. He fell off that wagon so hard and so quickly that within a month I didn’t know him. Four months later he was gone. Poof…

I don’t feel like I am plagued by bad luck. What I experienced could happen to anyone. I grieved his loss. My kids grieved his loss. Yes it was devastating, but through it all I knew that I was strong enough to survive it. However, this time around when people tried to console me they would just give me a heartbreaking look and say that they were sorry. I mean, what can you really say to this? “Run girl, you are cursed. Close your heart and your legs and leave the love shit for another girl.”

Well, here is the thing. What I learned from loving him was that our love is limitless. We don’t get to choose who we love, we just do. Our hearts are boundless and ready to stretch and be filled up at any given moment (even if we are feeling to the contrary of that). It’s fear of being hurt again, and I get that because that pain is brutal. Through his death I learned that I will never stop loving for it is who I am. I tried to deny it after my marriage, but love was stronger. The lesson here is that just because one person broke your heart doesn’t mean that the next person will. Love is infinite.

For any of you who are out there licking your wounds and hiding behind your fortified walls I want you to know that you are free to fall in love again. You know that you can love because you already have. Just because one person was a bad choice doesn’t mean that you have to punish yourself forever for their shortcomings.  I have forgiven my ex-husband for everything that he couldn’t help (and it helps that there is no contact with him). I forgave my fiancé for being weak and failing himself (and us). I forgave myself for not being able to “save” either of them, and then I moved on. Yes, my friends I am here to tell you that I am still young and beautiful…and I am in love. I am praying for a long romance, but I know that all that is guaranteed to us is today.  So today I will let him love me and I will love him back with all of me.

xo Ella

Little Black Sandals

– Daniel de Mussenden Carey & Sia Furler

https://youtu.be/AQTBBwAhXN8

“She wasn’t doing a thing that I could see, except standing there, leaning on the balcony railing, holding the universe together.”                  – J.D. Salinger

It is a common misconception that I am an extremely relaxed person. I hear it all the time in fact. I am often asked, “How do you do it with so much on your plate?” I throw my head back, and laugh silently because I know how misleading perceptions can really be. In the privacy of our own minds we surmise and draw conclusions about everyone. This is why listening to others tell their stories is so important…it is how we humans truly connect.

How many thoughts cross through my mind in a 24 hour period? Countless really.
It’s a constant barrage which streams in and out as I appear to be quietly going about my day. This is what it is feels like if you choose to conquer from within. There is no downtime, in fact, your dreams are often more intense and telling then your reality. Up and down, dive in and jump out, and follow round and round.

I am always in hot pursuit of myself. 

Why is it important to put yourself through the frequent torment of dissecting your thoughts? If you choose to remain as you are then you are closing yourself off to growth. We are not meant to live a stagnant life. We are meant to be co-creators of our dreams as we walk this land…flesh and blood. To not ever question or filter all that comes in and out is just folly. I understand why we close that door at times in our lives. I really do. Sometimes it’s all just to heavy to shoulder and we haven’t yet given ourselves the coping tools we need to decipher our own inner confusion.

It’s not easy, but there is only one way to go in my opinion. Go deep and get to know yourself. Find the courage to look yourself in the eye and speak your unadulterated and vulnerable truth. There is where the landscape is all yours. You have planted and pruned. You are the one required to be the constant gardner and so you must continue to work hard and weed out your thoughts and beliefs. If you can learn to speak your truth to yourself that is when you can begin to truly blossom. I myself am still working hard on becoming Ella.

xo Ella

TRY

Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don’t be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong, so they like you
Do you like you?

You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing

You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try
You don’t have to try

Mm, mm

Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit cards
You don’t have to choose, buy it all, so they like you
Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why, should you care, what they think of you
When you’re all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing

You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing

You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try

You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try
You don’t have to try

Mm, mm

You don’t have to try so hard
You don’t have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don’t have to change a single thing

You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try, try, try, try
You don’t have to try
You don’t have to try

Take your make-up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don’t you like you?
‘Cause I like you

– Colbie Caillat