The truth is that it doesn’t matter how long you are free…those damned triggers suck! They can derail you at a moments notice.  Just when you think you are gaining momentum and peace you can find yourself curled into a ball wondering what just happened.

Trigger: an emotional or physical reaction to something in the present that is connected to your past abuse.

Being sabotaged by triggers is hard to get used to.  Before I knew what a trigger was my emotions would take me on a ride.  No notice was given.  No bags were packed.  I had to take that trip, and often times it was to a dark terrifying place.

Understanding what a trigger is and how it affects you is the first step in learning how to deal with them.  You need to recognize them (all of them).  Triggers can be caused by a smell, music, or a shared story from a friend.  You may overhear a couple arguing or see a woman crying in public that can send you reeling off the page.  The sound of a doorbell can cause your heart to jump out of your chest.  It’s a hard reality to live with my friends.

I am hear to tell you that there is hope.  You can work your way through them with great care.  Most importantly though, you need to be gentle on yourself as you do.  I find that once an event has triggered a bad memory my heart starts to beat fast and the adrenaline surges through my veins.  My first reaction is fear.  When this happens I have to take a deep breath and hit the pause button.  This is when you need to think.  Take your time, breath, and think.  What just happened?  Why are you suddenly feeling like this?  Think about it.  Most of the time now I can approach these triggers with cognitive thinking; however, that initial blow still feels like a sucker punch.

Once you name your triggers it take some of the power away from them and gives it back to you.  This is really empowering my friends.  We walk the tight rope everyday hoping that we don’t get pushed off.  The truth is that there is no easy way around the triggers in your life.  You need to face them straight on, shoulders back, and head up.

I still have my triggers and I imagine that I will for some time.  They don’t disappear over night.  I can say with confidence that I have learned to overcome some of them.  This is monumental and gives me HOPE that I will conquer the remaining ones in my life.  I try to stay positive and when I feel triggered like I did just last night I do my best to stop, breath, and think it away.  You hold the power to face your triggers down.  Take your finger off the trigger and let it go.  Do not lose hope…I promise you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  It might look different from what you had hoped for, but it is light.  Embrace it.

I believe that we are all meant to soar.  Sometimes we forget how to fly or we never really learn how to from the start.  It happened to me; I forgot how to fly. Living in an abusive relationship for so long broke me down.  I forgot that I was the captain of my ship and I gave the wheel over to someone else.  My ex husband wanted my wings clipped so that I couldn’t fly.  This was his master plan.  Maya Angelou wrote a book called, “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.”  I love this book and I happen to know the answer too.  The caged bird sings to heal herself, and for the hope that one day the cage door will open.  If you are feeling like a caged bird right now, please don’t stop singing.  Sing out loud to yourself and anyone else who will listen. Stay focused on your freedom.

I know that this might sound easy to some of you, but it isn’t.  Strange things start to happen when you feel like your wings have been clipped.  Fear and anxiety begin to creep in and that’s when the self doubt takes over.  Self doubt is a dubious thing.  It can really hold you back. You were not created to be held back by anyone, let alone yourself!  I lived in this cage for a long time, so long that I forgot how to sing as well.  I was hurting and terrified, all alone with 2 small children to protect.  Anxiety and fear kept rearing their ugly heads and kept me down.  I was systematically being broken down over time.  Isolation was the plan; I wasn’t meant to have friends, and he wanted my family out.  Another thing about being locked in a cage is the amount of shame you feel.  You don’t want anyone to know you are there so you create diversions and tell white lies to make your life seem a little better than it really is.  How humiliating it would be for people that know and love you to actually see you suffer?!  It was pretty bad for me, so much so that I kept my mouth shut tight.  I kept my suffering to myself and I struggled with it alone.  Fear kept me trapped in that cage.  To the outside world I had it all going on…handsome husband, amazing career, and beautiful kids.  When it all crumbled not everyone believe me.  How could my life have been anything less then what I projected?  Denial is a very strong thing.

Everyday was a battle.  I was told that my children would be killed if I ever left him. I would cease to exist. I was told all the minute details of his plan and I was terrified.  The last 2 years I was with my ex husband I spent trying to figure out how the hell I would ever get out alive.  I thought that if I waited to break free I might be able to make a smooth transition.  Life is messy sometimes. We need to embrace the mess on occasion in order to leave it all behind us.  So that’s what happened.  One night we went out to dinner and we never went home.  My children and I flew the coup and made a break for it.  It wasn’t easy.  Those were some of my darkest days, but I am so grateful that I made that journey.  There is light at the end of the tunnel for those of you who are in a dark place and are tired.  You can get through whatever you are struggling with.  You can pick up the pieces of your life and start over. You are strong and you are meant to LOVE and be LOVED!

Don’t ever give up hope; somehow you will find your way.  Keep faith in yourself and know that you are stronger than you think.  We are put on this earth to flourish and shine.  We are worthy of so much but we forget this so easily.  Just remember that when you feel alone there are people who are ready to embrace you and help you along.  You have to let go of some of the fear and push past the anxiety to make room for it though.  You have to put yourself out there and be willing to let others love and help you find your way.  Sometimes we just need a flying lesson or two to help us launch back into flight.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Sometimes sharing about yourself can feel like diving off a cliff. In fact, I have much trepidation about it, but I have decided that I am ready for a change. I’m tired of being called a survivor. Yes, survivor is better than victim, but it’s not enough. To say you are a survivor and to settle with that is like giving up. Please don’t give up… don’t ever give up. We were put here to live, laugh, and love unabashedly. Why give your life over to something or someone else? Shift your perspective. Take a chance. Keep moving forward. Thrive.

We are all survivors of something. I happen to be a survivor of domestic violence and my story is intense. It might take me a while to get it all out, but I will. My desire is to help other women who might be struggling on their journey. Life really is a journey so don’t get too caught up with the destination. It’s been 6 years since I escaped from my ex and it’s been one weird trip. Anyone who lives through a traumatic event is open to Post traumatic Stress Disorder.  For anyone who doesn’t know what PTSD is I want to ask you to look into it. It is a very real thing and it is incredibly hard to shake. Living as a dumpster for someone’s trash year after year can have a numbing affect in the end. In order to survive you develop coping skills; so as not to completely fall of the edge. You learn to disassociate and tune out. You develop triggers that are like minefields; they go off randomly. A doorbell begins to sound like an explosion; social anxiety sets in. I lived in a combat zone and it was a daily fight to survive.

It hasn’t been easy. I’ve had to give up almost everything I had, and everyone I knew.  I had to fight my abuser in court and in the street. In the end, I declare victory. You see I am that girl. I am the face of your neighbor, friend, or maybe even your sister. I am the girl who suffered in silence because she was so afraid she couldn’t even think for herself. I was in a marriage for 11 years with a man who systematically broke me down. He told me I was nothing and that no one would ever love me. He terrorized me daily.

I want to ask you to never give up hope. If you are in a dark place please keep a glimmer of hope alive.  Life awaits you.  I am shaking off the dust and I am getting ready to ROAR. I am FREE! I am FREE! I am FREE now.

It’s true.  Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and make a change. Believe me when I say ‘it’s not going to be easy‘.  It is going to take time, patience, planning, and a lot of self love.  You can do this.  Try a little hope and join me.  Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side of the road.