Superbowl Lll is tomorrow and this blog post has been on the tip of my tongue all week. Like many women just the thought of the Superbowl triggers flashbacks. It is said that on this day domestic violence takes a leap. Sadly, I have read articles that say these statistics are not true, but if you are one of the thousands who have lived through it then you know the truth. Even if your abuser’s team wins you will spend countless days dreading the build up to game day, you will walk on eggshells throughout the game, and hold your breath and just pray that you escape this year without incident. Men, booze, testosterone, and sports can be a very scary world if you are an abused woman.

As I sat in the car dealership to have my oil changed the other day I caught a morning talk show with a few ex NFL players. The subject was CTE or Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy. Trust me that I would have turned the channel if I could as listening to millionaires talk about their head damage was not of interest to me. However, within two minutes of listening I heard something that made me shudder to the core. Football players and war Veterans are not the only ones likely to suffer from CTE, but also survivors of domestic violence. WHY had I not heard this before?!

Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) is a degenerative brain disease found in athletes, military veterans, and others (domestic abuse survivors) with a history of repetitive brain trauma. In CTE, a protein called Tau forms clumps that slowly spread throughout the brain, killing brain cells. The symptoms of CTE include memory loss, confusion, impaired judgment, impulse control problems, aggression, depression, anxiety, suicidality, parkinsonism, and, eventually, progressive dementia. These symptoms often begin years or even decades after the last brain trauma.

This kind of brain trauma in domestic violence often goes undetected and untreated, making women vulnerable to problems with thinking, mood, and behavior. These can be debilitating conditions for the survivor. About one quarter of American women have experienced severe physical assaults by a domestic partner in their lifetime. These assaults can include hitting, punching, being slammed into something hard, pushed down the stairs, and having things thrown at them.

In 2014 Ray Rice, a Baltimore Raven, was caught on an elevator video knocking his then fiancee, Janay, out cold. When this happened the attention was all about how Ray Rice had previous concussions and that the rage and aggression shown could be contributed to CTE. Nobody mentioned that Janay, who we all watched being cold-cocked had just suffered a brain injury right in front of our eyes. The more pressing issue was if Rice would be allowed to play football again.

Survivors of assault often don’t seek immediate medical care for the trauma they live through and when they do there are often creative excuses for the injuries.  Symptoms can start years after an assault and it makes connecting them to the cause of domestic violence difficult. I am a survivor of domestic violence and an advocate for other survivors. Even though I suffer from terrible memory issues it has never been suggested that I might have CTE. All it takes is a CT scan of the brain that can be done by any neurologist to diagnose it. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and my memory issue has been brushed off even though it is one of my biggest complaints and concerns. Needless to say I will be getting my CT scan soon.

I believe that all women who have a history of domestic abuse should be educated to know that they need to get these brain scans. They need to know where the symptoms they are experiencing are coming from. Memory loss, depression, and anxiety may not just be a result of PTSD. They may have a much deeper and far reaching cause. This is a critical issue and it is one that needs to be put out there. Doctors and victims need to be educated. Sometimes an imaging test of the brain that shows scarring, in a strange way, can be comforting to the survivor. There is then a concrete reason as to why they are having symptoms. It can be a relief to know that you actually have a physical reason for your problems. It needs to be stressed that early intervention is critical for CTE.

As you watch the Superbowl this year please be mindful of the women around you. If you are one of the many women who are reading this today and are living in dread of the game tomorrow, I beg you to try to find an alternate plan for the day. If you cannot then have a safety plan set up. You do not need to continue living like this. Trust me that there is a way out. I know you are scared and tired, but freedom is on the other side of this. I know this because I have lived this. You were not born to be another person’s punching bag. You were not born to be held captive by another person or to be physically, mentally and emotionally tortured either. You are not the crazy one. You are meant for much greater things. There is always a way out so don’t you dare give up. Tomorrow I will be routing for you.  #nomore

xo Ella

Domestic Violence Hotline: 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224
RAINN Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

** The header picture is from an article Behind Closed Doors by Jennifer O’Neill   that appeared in Good Housekeeping 2016.

Fuckin’ Perfect

Christmas magic is silent.  You don’t hear it ~ you feel it. You know it.  You believe it. 

I am so blessed to have grown up in a home that celebrated the Christmas season with healthy gusto. As soon as December came around my mother would spin into action. Like a racehorse in the starting gate she was ready to take off at the shot of the gun. Boxes were pulled out of the attic and I would watch her take down the Fall decorations to ready the house for Christmas. It was hands down my favorite time of the year, and that was because my Mother made it magical.

When I grew up and had my first child it happened to me. As December approached I could barely contain myself. I had a list of things on that first Christmas To Do List. I wanted my child to know the kind of magic that only comes round one time a year. We picked out a beautiful tree and decorated it with ornaments; some of our choosing and some handed down from my mother and Grandmother. As Christmas cheer pulsed through my veins I quickly realized that I was becoming my mother.

It’s amazing how once we have kids we start seeing ourselves in our parents. It can be comical actually. Every mother has her own odd ideas of what is precious and shall become a tradition in their home. This is the first year in my home where Santa is no longer a larger than life figure. I have to admit that it takes the excitement down a notch. The Elf on the Shelf is out but he isn’t participating in our daily life as he has in seasons past. In some ways it’s a relief and in other ways I am trying to think of something we can do in his place.

When I left my husband it was on a freezing cold night a couple of weeks before Christmas. I had young children, nowhere to go, and I was terrified for our lives. That was a tough Christmas, but I had to make a decision that year about how I was going to proceed. Although I could barely think straight enough to eat,  I made it as magical as I could with the kids. My mother was there and dove right in to help me with that. That was the toughest time in my life and it happened during my favorite time of the year. In the end it was lovely because I was so grateful to be with my family. I may have even seen my 5-year-old smile that day.

I learned from my parents that Christmas is so much more than just a day. It’s more than presents. My parents celebrated the birth of Jesus and that was the reason for the season. The pre-Christmas busyness of planning, baking, wrapping, and shopping gave me a high. Seeing others happy is just about the best thing in the world isn’t it? I seize this opportunity every year to spread around some Christmas magic of my own.

I know a lot of people who hate this time of year. Perhaps they don’t have good childhood memories, perhaps like me, something happened to them that time of year or perhaps they just didn’t have anyone to truly celebrate with. I know it can trigger depression in people and I get that. When the middle of December comes around I get triggered too and I have to remember the choice that I made in my first year of freedom.

I wasn’t going to let the memory of my ex throwing out the Christmas tree with the ornaments away in the trash like the Grinch steal me of my Joy. I wasn’t going to let the fact that I didn’t have a home, a job, or any money destroy Christmas holidays yet to come. I was going to fight for what I loved. And so every year around this time I have to make a choice…do I allow the past to creep in or do I focus on creating some magic for those around me? I will always choose the latter.

If you are reading this and one of those people who struggle with the holidays I want to suggest that you focus your heart on being grateful. Because being grateful for my life, my kids lives, and the freedom to simply be able to celebrate Christmas is far more powerful than anything anyone can throw my way. Christmas spirit is a real thing, but it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Some of us have to make a conscious decision to be happy. I chose Joy, because sometimes it really is as simple as that.

xo Ella