A Hopeful Sadness.

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I am feeling incredibly vulnerable lately and this is not the norm for me; I am always the strong one. As an empath I am able to feel everyone else’s pain, sadness, and anxiety; but in doing so I shut my own out. I have boxed myself in by wearing this suit of armor. Today, I am taking it off and folding it nicely for a rest. It is my calling to empower people and help them transition from a life of just existing to one where they can truly feel all that life has for them. To drop the fear and jump on the adventure.

My belief has always been, and still is, that what is in the past is in the past. You are not your past. You are not what happened to you. You are here and living in the now.
Face your past, forgive, make peace, and then let it go. I still believe this for I have seen too many people get away from their pasts only to live forward with it. We get used to carrying the weight of our burdens and it’s hard to put them down. In an odd way it feels comfortable because it is what we know.

I am always looking within myself and trying to see what is making me tick, where am I heading, and what is really happening in my soul. It’s not easy to do when so many look to me to inspire them every day. My mind switches to auto-pilot and I just walk the talk. I keep moving and push through the pain. It seems to have caught up with me and I am at a bit of an impasse now.

I’ve been crying for days. I don’t know why. Perhaps it started with a case of the mid-winter blues and then just spiraled out. I can’t pinpoint it, but I know I am not trying to stop it. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel weak and vulnerable at times. It doesn’t make you less strong it makes you whole, and honestly isn’t that what we strive for?

I believe with all of my heart that life is all about ebb and flow. I don’t often allow myself the ebb part though. I fight it and dismiss it and soldier on. It’s what I know how to do. It’s what saved me in my past. However today I am feeling as though it has caught up with me and I am learning a new way of being. I am sitting with my sadness and I am trying to understand it. Right now I am not sure why it has surfaced. Perhaps it is a workshop I am taking about being tender to my own soul. Something that we all need to learn to do better.

What I do know is that this sadness is all-encompassing. The tears are flowing and I am feeling lost in my own space. A feeling of tremendous loss is here and sadness. The loss of people who I loved dearly in my life, the loss of innocence as a child, the loss of my dreams for my future, and the loss of even myself. For how can I be whole if I am not in touch with these darker sadder moments of myself? I am learning to listen. To reach down and hold my own hand; the trembling hand of a girl who has seen too much and suffered far more than ever necessary.

I am looking at her in the mirror and her reflection is so sad that it makes me cry.
I feel a disconnect from her. I am the girl who has survived so much and yet has never been able to grieve the losses that have accrued over my lifetime. This is scary shit I am not going to lie about that. However, in my sadness and my uncontrollable crying I feel more connected to myself and to others then I have in a long time. I am learning to be vulnerable in a new way. I am understanding my life within a new light. I am scared, but I am okay. I am sad, but I am hopeful. It is just going to take some time. xo Ella