A Rogue Wave

Sometimes

There have been times in my life where sadness has hit me like a rogue wave that sneaks up from behind bringing with it a wicked undertow that tries to pull me out deeper. The wave plants me on my ass in a mess of sadness and despair when it comes crashing down…there are things in life that can derail you. There are things that have tremendous momentum even though they may seem to appear out of nowhere. There are things in life that no one is prepared for. 

Recently, I found out I was going to have another child. The news sent me reeling. Getting pregnant has never been easy for me. My two children are my precious miracles to this world. Sadly, along my journey I have lost three angels. I bear witness that a miscarriage is a horrible experience. If you have experienced one you might find that you want to hide yourself trying to avoide telling people that you are pregnant out of the fear of what is or isn’t to come. Having a high risk pregnancy brings a weird mix of excitement, fear, and isolation.

This pregnancy definitely caught me off guard. It was the last thing I expected to happen in 2016. I prepared myself for a wild ride this year, but nothing could have prepared me for this. That being said I embraced it immediately even though my partner and I have been walking a rocky road recently. I am always an advocate for a woman’s right to choose and I chose to have this baby regardless to what was happening in my life. This child was being sent to me for a reason and I was going to embrace it with all of me. 

What you don’t know until you experience it is that losing a baby is a massive trauma to your body, your mind, and your soul. Sure you move past it and hopefully are able to conceive again, but that feeling never quite leaves you. Growing a life within you is an amazingly awesome and incredibly weird experience. The minute that I find out I am with child everything in the world shifts for me. Out goes the caffeine & the alcohol, and in comes all the goodness. I STOP and take a full inventory. I commit to taking pristine care of myself as the incubator for a new life. I am in 100%, sleeves pushed up, saltines in hand, and ready to roll. 

When I realized that I was losing my baby a few weeks ago all I wanted to do curl up and hide. 

NOT AGAIN. 

I was sad and I was angry at God for allowing me to have to endure this yet another time. I felt broken. I felt like my body had failed me and I was devastated.  I felt like my body had let my baby, and my partner down. I laid in bed for two days and just went back and forth between crying and staring into nothingness. I was arriving at numb quickly. 

Thankfully I had told a couple of friends. THIS is not something you want to go through alone. It’s a tragic situation and you truly are helpless. My mind was screaming to the baby inside of me to “hold on”.  I was begging God to spare my child. I felt like such a failure every time I looked at my partner. The worst part was that as a mother I was unable to prevent my  baby from dying inside of me. A crushing experience that is beyond any words. 

I decided to write about this for the same reason that I write about my experience with domestic violence…to break the stigma. There is always such a “hush hush” about these issues, and for what? The silence is isolating, and in situations like this you need support from loving people. It’s hard to go through something like this and carry it alone. Women have been dealing with these issues from the beginning of time and yet I find that it’s still taboo to speak up about them. I am opposed to shutting it down, hiding it, and just moving on. Stuffing your trauma doesn’t help you to heal and move past it. It just leaves it festering for another day to explode into your life unannounced in another form. 

Life is happening all around us. People are born and people die every single day. It is the great circle of life and we are as much of a part of it as the next guy. No one gets to run away from nature as much as they would like to think that they can. We are all here dealing with the same human conditions. Life is going to push you. It is going to stretch you, and it is going to hurt you, but just as this is true it is also going to reward you. You cannot seek out only the good for life is made whole with the balance of both. The duality of life. We must embrace it all and appreciate the good when it is here and understand that the pain comes as our teacher. Understanding of this is helpful in accepting your life as it unfolds…perfect or imperfect. Joyful or sad. This is your life. 

I lost this baby at eight weeks and It was my 4th miscarriage. It doesn’t get easier, but you do get stronger. Understanding that it is natures way and that some life is just more viable than others is critical. Trust me, nature is not out to punish you. Through this I’ve learned to embrace life as it is thrust upon me and I am learning to let go of it when necessary. Learning to trust the timing of my life and having faith in the outcome is what sees me through. Life has taught me that acceptance and release is all about flow. You can’t stop it…you have go with it. When life hands you this kind of pain you embrace it as a gift and know that it has the power to transform you. 

xo Ella 

11 thoughts on “A Rogue Wave

    1. Thank you so much Aura. Thank you for reading and thank you for taking the time to comment. I love hearing back from people. Life is full of ups and downs. Either we embrace the downs and learn from them or we get mired down with them. I choose to dance with them. xo Ella

  1. Tears. I am an OB-GYN nurse. Your message touched me deeply for this and for other reasons. Thank you. Healing and comfort wishes enroute. Gwen

    1. Gwen, thank you so much for reading and for commenting. Hearing from you an OB/GYN nurse means a lot to me. It means that I described the heartache that we women must go through sometimes in order to bring life forth. It isn’t always easy. Bless you for what you do. xo Ella

  2. Thank you, you struck a nerve, an awakening inside. Im realizing I still need to figure out how to continue to heal from this. You are a warrior. You are not alone in this, thank you for sharing.

    1. Thank you so much for reading and for your comment. Many people experience trauma and just tuck it away and don’t deal with it. Women who experience this kind of loss need to mourn the life…just as they would any other. Its so much better when you can just sit with it, accept it, and move on. I take great comfort knowing that my babies are very much alive, just in another realm. We will reunite one day and I will see how much they helped me through this life. xo Ella

      1. Thank you! It is important to take the time to mourn and feel the grief of the loss. When I found out I was pregnant I was given a pair of knitted booties. After the loss I suffered alone. I gave birth to my now 4 year old 1 year to the date of my miscarriage. This booties are safely inside his baby box and each time I come across them, I take the time to think about that sweet baby angel.

  3. Sending you love ~ peace and content my sweet. You amaze me daily with your strength and inspiration, you are simply incredible and so very loved. Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings and heartbreak. YOU are not alone, you are surrounded with all the love and light that you share with so many who know and love you. I love you beautiful you. xoxo
    Thank you for being you and being mine.

  4. I once made a decision out of fear. It cost me my legacy, the most I could do was tell others standing at the same crossroads was “this decision is yours, either way you will carry it and think about it the rest of your life” I had 2 beautiful nephews and a niece after that (3) nieces….I like to think what I said made a difference. Although I cannot say what you are feeling , I have felt it, I am sending you peace, love joy and a dream or two , your lost children will come to you they know they were loved xxoo

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