Don’t You Dare Give Up.

Stay

The Christmas Holiday Season has arrived. This time of year can often be the WORST time for people in abusive relationships. I know this because it was that way for me. I wish I had the freedom to really tell you all the details of when and how I left, but I can’t. One day when I am safe I will spill.

The holidays can be so joyous for some and so dark for others.

I remember the last holiday that I was married to an abusive man. I was terrified because Christmas was looming closely ahead. Stress levels were running high and every where I turned I felt more trapped then ever. We all know how tough it can be when thrust amongst our family on certain days of the year. Imagine having to hide your brokenness when you are feeling completely isolated. My mother told me I deserved an academy award.

Isolation is one of the favorite tools of an abuser. They slowly and methodically separate you from your family and friends. Ultimately, you end up lying to all of them because how can you even begin to explain how your life has fallen apart. How you have fallen apart and have become a prisoner of sorts. That you have lost your freedom to be who you are meant to be. That you are losing your identity more and more every day. That it’s slipping and you can’t seem to tighten your grip.

Today my boyfriend’s sister had to be rescued from an abusive situation. I don’t even know all of the details yet, but what I do know is that her husband is an abuser. It got so bad that she took her child and split. Thank God she had an opportunity to get out and luckily for her she has two brothers who were able to go back with her to get her stuff. For those of you who do not know, this is the most dangerous time for victim’s of abuse. This is when the abuser feels they are losing control. Out of desperation they react and can do the worst imaginable things. I’ve been terrified all afternoon because I understand this better than anyone. I didn’t want him to go, but I knew he had to. They are on their way home and safe. Thank God.

I know that life can be hard, and at this time of year it can be almost impossible to hold on to even the tiniest spark of hope. I am here to beg those of you reading this that might be in the same situation to hang on.
Don’t give up because there is always a way out. Even when you feel like you are completely alone there is always help. I know that if there is NO reason to stay then that alone is a good reason to go. I also know that you have to leave if you are being abused. It will never get better…only worse. Sometimes you have to leave with the clothes on your back. Know that there are shelters and people to help you. You deserve to be happy, safe and loved. I KNOW how scary and hard it is to leave, but I also know how beautiful and free life can be once you do.

Be brave. Find your voice and speak up. Please know that there is no shame in this for you. There are so many people in this world (both men and women) that have experienced abuse at the hand of someone they loved. You have to trust and take that step to get out. There is never a good time. I kept waiting for a “better time” and it never came. I ended up leaving at the worst possible time, but in retrospect it was the perfect time. It was the perfect time because I got out alive.

If you know anyone that is in an abusive relationship please share my blog with them. It’s hard to talk to people who haven’t been through this because so often your reality starts to get muddled. If you can let them know that they are loved and worthy of that love, and that there is always a way out. Don’t you dare give up. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

xo Ella

15 thoughts on “Don’t You Dare Give Up.

  1. Thank you. Yes. There were angels and strangers and I got out. I’ll share this in my group.

    Don’t give up. I promise it gets better. I’m living proof.

  2. While I’ve never been victim to physical abuse (Thank God), emotional and psychological abuse left me feeling isolated and alone on many occasions. Your message gives HOPE to the hopeless that the cycle of abuse does not have to be as long as we renew our belief in ourselves and regain the strength that is within. Thank you, Ella, for being a inspiration to me and to so many others. I love you!

    1. Thank you Barbara. The truth is that all abuse is abuse. It doesn’t matter if it is physical, emotional, or psychological. I am so glad that you were not harmed physically though. One of the things that would make me crazy is when the police would show up and ask if he hit me. As if hitting me would be the thing that would make the big difference. So many women are pushed away because they are not bruised on the outside. In fact after all I went through I was told that until he came and hurt me (again no less) nothing else would happen to him. Abuse is abuse no matter what it looks like. You are a beautiful light for so many and I love you too. xo

  3. Thankyou so much for writing your story.I went through some serious abuse in my last 4 years relationship.i had to let go of it because i was so afraid of him and my life .I lost my career, my family trust everything because of him.Now i am trying to start my life again from zero. Rightnow its hard for me to forgive him because he still threatens me .I am just so lost and scared .There is so much anger in me but i cnt do anything abt it .Life isnt as easy as i thought it would be.i just want to survive through it 😦

    1. Nida, there aren’t that many women around who can truly understand where you have been and how hard it is to make the transition. I do. I want you to know that you will have a beautiful life. Just don’t give up and do not settle. Focus on you and your future right now…not another relationship. Get the help you need and keep taking steps forward. I shall be your light and example if you like. If I can make it out so can you!! xo Ella

  4. Thank you so much, lovely message and words. Read it when you posted it, but couldn’t comment till now, life’s been difficult. As someone who suffered decades of abuse almost since I can remember myself, I know how hard it is to keep believing it gets better when swimming in despair. But it does get better. And it’s people like you who make a difference, and I want you to know that I appreciate who you are Ella and what you’re doing. Love and gratitude.

    1. Thank you so much Aura and I am so happy to see you here. Hang in because the more you learn and the farther away from abuse that you get your life will become better and better. Just know that you are everything that you need right in this moment and that life is happening all around you. xo Ella

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