A Hopeful Sadness.

~ Ella Hicks

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I am feeling incredibly vulnerable lately and this is not the norm for me; I am always the strong one. As an empath I am able to feel everyone else’s pain, sadness, and anxiety; but in doing so I shut my own out. I have boxed myself in by wearing this suit of armor. Today, I am taking it off and folding it nicely for a rest. It is my calling to empower people and help them transition from a life of just existing to one where they can truly feel all that life has for them. To drop the fear and jump on the adventure.

My belief has always been, and still is, that what is in the past is in the past. You are not your past. You are not what happened to you. You are here and living in the now.
Face your past, forgive, make peace, and then let it go. I still believe this for I have seen too many people get away from their pasts only to live forward with it. We get used to carrying the weight of our burdens and it’s hard to put them down. In an odd way it feels comfortable because it is what we know.

I am always looking within myself and trying to see what is making me tick, where am I heading, and what is really happening in my soul. It’s not easy to do when so many look to me to inspire them every day. My mind switches to auto-pilot and I just walk the talk. I keep moving and push through the pain. It seems to have caught up with me and I am at a bit of an impasse now.

I’ve been crying for days. I don’t know why. Perhaps it started with a case of the mid-winter blues and then just spiraled out. I can’t pinpoint it, but I know I am not trying to stop it. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to feel weak and vulnerable at times. It doesn’t make you less strong it makes you whole, and honestly isn’t that what we strive for?

I believe with all of my heart that life is all about ebb and flow. I don’t often allow myself the ebb part though. I fight it and dismiss it and soldier on. It’s what I know how to do. It’s what saved me in my past. However today I am feeling as though it has caught up with me and I am learning a new way of being. I am sitting with my sadness and I am trying to understand it. Right now I am not sure why it has surfaced. Perhaps it is a workshop I am taking about being tender to my own soul. Something that we all need to learn to do better.

What I do know is that this sadness is all-encompassing. The tears are flowing and I am feeling lost in my own space. A feeling of tremendous loss is here and sadness. The loss of people who I loved dearly in my life, the loss of innocence as a child, the loss of my dreams for my future, and the loss of even myself. For how can I be whole if I am not in touch with these darker sadder moments of myself? I am learning to listen. To reach down and hold my own hand; the trembling hand of a girl who has seen too much and suffered far more than ever necessary.

I am looking at her in the mirror and her reflection is so sad that it makes me cry.
I feel a disconnect from her. I am the girl who has survived so much and yet has never been able to grieve the losses that have accrued over my lifetime. This is scary shit I am not going to lie about that. However, in my sadness and my uncontrollable crying I feel more connected to myself and to others then I have in a long time. I am learning to be vulnerable in a new way. I am understanding my life within a new light. I am scared, but I am okay. I am sad, but I am hopeful. It is just going to take some time. xo Ella

30 thoughts on “A Hopeful Sadness.”

  1. Ella, yes. Yes, to this. One of the things I’ve done to flow through the ebbing that reminds me of this is to write on behalf of the little one . . . if you care to take it in, this little 3-minute read. A sermon to myself, as much as anything I’ve ever written. xoxo http://bit.ly/jennygump

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  3. I so appreciate your raw honesty as it reminds us that you, too, are human. It is so important that we get in touch with the deep-rooted feelings and emotions that we bury inside…that we hide from others for fear of showing vulnerability.

    I walk this journey with you, when you need it, holding your hand and giving you my love! ❤

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  4. I hear you. I feel your words as if they are my own! I do not know you but I feel as if I should, like an old friend or past acquaintance.
    I’m so sorry for your pain, I wish I could take it from you.
    randi

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  5. Ella, thank you for putting this into words. I believe you are experiencing the grief of generations of women past, present & future. Recently I had the privilege to confront someone from my past who had deeply wounded me. I feel free. Prior to this I had a similar time that you are having of deep sadness that literally came over me without thought. Out of the blue weeping & despair. The depth of it was beyond my own story & I am hopeful that the tears shed & the time spent grieving contributed to the healing of past & future generations as well as my own. Allowing is wisdom. Blessings to you as you bravely walk this path. Holly

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  7. I wish I could sit with you shoulder to shoulder, just sit until you needed an arm around you. I understand this sadness, this ebb. I think we all need to feel it sometimes. It is an important part of healing, of being human and humane to ourselves; as you said gentle to your soul

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  8. Tina, I accidentally deleted your beautiful comment. I am sorry.
    You understand me well and While it isn’t easy to sit with these feelings it helps so much to know that I am not alone.
    xo Ella

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  9. My precious sister, you give words to those, including myself who carry secrets around like luggage filled with cement – always a reminder of the things that have happened that we can never forget. Thank you for your understanding and sharing so that we know that we are never alone. You words “if you are struggling tonight, know that you are not alone” mean more than you will ever know. Blessings my friend.

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  10. Thank you Ella. Thank you ..for your validating your vulnerability in a way that reaches out to the rest of us…. removing shame, fear and guilt. As empaths and helpers, we too are human… we too have experienced unfathomable pain, disappointment and betrayal…and we too must… from time to time…allow our authentic feelings to flow… to feel them… to validate them… this writing is bare bones honesty that I know I needed to hear… it so gives me a well needed permission slip to not only allow my sadness and grief that may appear random… but rarely ever is if you allow yourself to stay with the feelings…. the underlying root causes are clear… they may never be able to be changed… but pain and hurt is not lineal. It does not have a beginning…middle and end… but it does ebb and flow in a cynical fashion…it is within that process that we feel a wide range of experiential emotions.. and one of those emotions is profound sadness… and rightfully so… Thank you Ella… This was a powerful read for me tonight… ❤ ❤ Light, Love and Blessings… Namaste .<3 Sandra

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  11. When you know
    and it covers all
    like the ocean
    leaving no space
    in the corners
    of your soul.
    And you live
    and you live
    until your limbs
    grow weak,
    feel the inbetween
    moments
    but you still don’t
    speak.
    Within each waking
    hour
    lies a truth so rare
    And you cling to be feel
    with a wide eyed stare.

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  12. I am so grateful to have discovered your website! I feel like everything you just wrote was pulled out from my brain… I am going through my own journey of acceptance of my past and coming to terms with it. Only recently have I been able to admit that I was abused, I used to just give it more comfortable names, because I’m still ashamed to admit my truth, but abuse is what it was. But I Love your terminology, Thriver instead of survivor! I am also experiencing a breakdown of sorts, but along with that comes a breakthrough. So I am grateful today for all my experiences and my journey. I know there is a divine purpose to my life and these experiences will only serve that purpose. Thanks so much for sharing and inspiring! You are loved!!

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    1. Jami, I am so glad you found me. Doesn’t it help to know that you aren’t alone and other people understand you? It changed everything for me once I was able to let go of the shame and speak up. Hang in there…you sound like you are on the right road. If you are on Facebook or instagram check us out for daily inspiration! xo Ella

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  13. Your pages have touched me so much! I feel like it’s me talking! KOKO! (keep on keeping on) I found out something that happened to me as a child that was a repressed memory & there are so many stages I seem to go through. my faith in God & Christian counsellors are amazing & now found your thoughts are like icing on the cake! God bless & thanks for being so honest x

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    1. Hey Kat! I like that… Koko! So glad you found me too! Repressed memories are hard. Take your time and go easy on yourself. You just keep moving forward and remember that carrying yesterdays baggage will only weigh you down so work towards letting go. xo Ella

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      1. Thanks!! Low place again at moment! Butterfly emerging & not sure if still in chrysalis stage -painfull!! or emerged from it -but wings drying out!! Can’t fly until they are dry!! Think that stage is quite hard too!!

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  14. As an empath, once you take your suit of armor off, you have the ability, not only to take on other’s emotions and energies, but to impress upon those around you or on your mind, any positive energy you want. It is less exhausting to give than to take on. I am not an empath, but you have a wonderful ability to change the atmosphere and energy, and any space you occupy.

    Strive
    Thrive
    Survive, positively.

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