The Clarity in Being.

You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be.      – Marianne Williamson.

Ever since I can remember I have been hyper organized. In fact, I used to be called anal retentive. I laugh at the thought of that now because my life has changed so incredibly much since then. When I reflect on the young woman who was so fastidious with everything I see fear. In an attempt to fight back I tried to control. What I learned was that I have no control. It was an illusion and I felt like such a failure for trying so hard to beat an invisible opponent that could never lose.

A shift happened in my life when I left my abusive husband. I finally saw my borderline OCD for what it truly was.  An all-consuming attempt to cover up the real lack of control I had been living with for so long in my marriage. My desire to keep things looking “together” for everyone else was a failure. I was a fraud and one hell of an actress.

I left and let as much of it go as I possibly could; I let go of the husband, the career, the abuse, the money, the fancy car, the clothes, my home, and my friends. I left it all behind, and with it I left my need to control. My attempt to create the facade of “normal” just kept me bound to the abuse. If I had exposed the truth of my situation I felt like I would look a failure for not succeeding in my relationship. In trying so hard to win I lost.

I have been searching for clarity ever since my divorce years ago. If asked what I am looking for in my life, I respond with one word, clarity.  Unfortunately, most days I live with what I refer to as brain fog. My thoughts are disjointed and so very far from the woman who had once run an empire in a busy city. I couldn’t figure out how I could have gone from being so hyper-aware and organized to this. I decided that I would passively seek for clarity. I had no idea what end was up, but I just knew if I stopped trying to force everything, it would present itself to me at the right time.

I didn’t know how to seek clarity. I thought if I read books, took classes, and sought guidance that I would finally come into it in my own time. I found myself always looking for some sort of clear channel that would tell me what the hell to do. It never came, and so I waited and attempted to sit with the unknown. Moving forward on my foggy journey was hard because I had no idea where I was going. I wasn’t able to look at the big picture. Starting over is hard, especially when you have a lot of baggage to unpack.  I was on the one step at a time plan, and it was here that I learned to rely on my faith.

It took me many years to see that I wasn’t gaining clarity, but learning patience. I finally understood clarity when I stopped looking for it, and decided to be it. If I had taken time to focus on my inner self rather than just keeping busy (in a lame attempt to hide the fact that I had no idea where I was going) I may have realized sooner that it was futile. You can only become clear when you are able to sit and just be. No journey. No seeking. No controlling. Just me, myself, and I, sitting very quietly and listening.

xo Ella

ClarityFog

14 thoughts on “The Clarity in Being.

  1. Wow, well said and so clear. It seems you have found your clarity. As I was reading, in some respects it felt like you were writing about me and my search for the same. It is so difficult to quiet the mind and listen…perhaps it is a bit of fear that makes it so difficult. Thank you so much, Ella, sharing and for making me take a closer look within. Much love to you my sister of choice. ❤

    1. Dearest Barbara, I thought of you when writing this. So many of you came to mind. We are all so over busy that we try so hard to find that peace, but how do we do that when we are so busy trying to find it. I love you. xo Ella

  2. Dear Ella. Sigh…your story makes me realize that is what I am doing too. Trying to find clarity in a foggy reality. The reality being that I too have learned patience. I fought for my freedom and I gained self-suffiency…but hold up, now there is a work-shortage, so put the brakes on and learn to deal with this now. Patience it is, until the work picks up again and then I can motor forward again and get back to carving out yet another new reality. It’s a process. The down-time will give provide opportunity for more inner reflection and growth.

    1. Darling Serena, somehow knowing that you have arrived at this place makes me happy. You have a much needed break to renew yourself. Searching for anything when the fog is dense is pointless. You have to become one with the golf to see through it. xo Ella

  3. 💙this💙!! 💝u you sister!! Thank you…I can relate on a different journey to everything you have said! Sharing!!😙

  4. I just wanna say thank you for your wonderful site and inspiring stories and quotes….I’m going through a traumatic and very emotional time at the moment…..and just don’t seem to know where or how?

    Mechelle

    1. Hi Mechelle, I am so glad that you found me. I am sorry to hear that you are having a life struggle though. Hang in there and remember that you only have to take it one day at a time. Are you on Facebook? I have a great page there and it’s so supportive and everyone is really awesome. G
      ive me a holla! xo Ella

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