“Showing out, showing out, hit and run
The boy meets girl and the beat goes on
Stitched up tight, can’t stay free
Love is the drug, got a hook on me
Oh, catch that buzz
Love is the drug for me” (Roxy Music)
I like to think that I am a healthy girl. I mean I just gave up caffeine. Hard to imagine I know, but I did it. I like to eat healthy…organic when possible, and take care of this body that my soul resides in. I would say that I do a pretty good job and being a care taker of my physical being; my heart is another issue entirely… perhaps another blog post for another day.
I watch people trash their bodies all the time with so many of today’s go to vices, and I am so grateful that I do not have an addictive personality. I drink occasionally and I eat my greens. Okay, sometimes I smoke them, but that’s my herbal remedy.
No drugs…that ship sailed when I was nineteen so it’s hard for me to see adults popping pills and other recreational drugs. You might recall me losing someone to drugs not long ago. It’s still hurts and haunts my sleep. Drugs stole him away and I hate them for that.
Recently, I had a reality check… You see I have been raised to think that when the doctor gives you something it is okay and it is NOT a drug. I was wrong. It’s not news, but if you are tuning into this blog for the first time then you should know that I have issues with Anxiety, and I have PTSD from living in a horribly abusive marriage. Years of emotional, verbal, psychological and physical abuse took its toll on me. Everything in life has its pro’s and con’s. This is the con…my beautiful kids are my pro; they are the silver lining.
I am proactive by nature and so I have tried many therapies to help with my flashbacks and triggers. I have come a long way and I am really proud of myself for how hard I continue to work on myself. In addition to this I take medication that has been prescribed by my doctor to keep me steady. I had been a member of Prozac Nation for many years and it had really helped me to keep an even keel.
This past year knocked me on my ass though. In October we were hit by a huge hurricane that nailed the East Coast. The kids and I ended up having to move a few times before we found our current home. It was a bit stressful to put it lightly, and it really took its toll on my youngest son. Adults are not the only ones who can suffer from anxiety. Kids are resilient, but there is a breaking point and I think we found it in February. It was at this point that I felt the floor starting to drop out on me; watching my son struggle so much was more than I felt I could bear, and my anxiety spiked.
It was at this time that my doctor decided that I needed a little more help so he switched my medication to Effexor; a drug which has proven very effective for PTSD. Now as I have mentioned before I don’t abuse my body and I am incredibly sensitive to any medication. It took me 2 long weeks to adjust to the lowest dosage, but I hung in there because the doctor told me too.
Fast forward 4 months… this medication has really screwed with me. It turned my system upside down and I recently decided, along with my doctor to stop taking it. Here’s the kicker…this has a 4 week weaning time. There is NO way that I can do that. Knowing that that pill is poison to my system is too much for me to knowingly put it in my body. I might advise someone else to listen to their doctor, but this girl is listening to her body. I went cold turkey and for the first time I understand what it feels like to be going through withdrawal.
As I type this I am on day 4 of withdrawal and feeling like shit. It’s pretty scary to tell you the truth and I empathize with all those who struggle with trying to get clean. I wanted to write about this though so that it might help someone else. This is the reason I write. It’s not always easy to be so open, but I feel this is important. My doctor prescribed a legal drug for me and it screwed me up worse than any illegal drug I have ever done. I am grateful that I see the lesson amidst my discomfort.
What will I do once I work through this? I am not sure. My only true vices are chocolate and love. I don’t think that chocolate will help with anxiety, but Love? Love is the universal balm. Maybe I just haven’t connected to the right dealer for that yet. I’m going to keep trying though. In the meantime, it is one day at a time. Please be careful of anything you put in your body…you only get one and it houses your soul. XO Ella