Love, drugs, and other vices.

“Showing out, showing out, hit and run 

The boy meets girl and the beat goes on

Stitched up tight, can’t stay free

Love is the drug, got a hook on me

Oh, catch that buzz

 Love is the drug for me”  (Roxy Music)

I like to think that I am a healthy girl. I mean I just gave up caffeine. Hard to imagine I know, but I did it. I like to eat healthy…organic when possible, and take care of this body that my soul resides in. I would say that I do a pretty good job and being a care taker of my physical being; my heart is another issue entirely… perhaps another blog post for another day.

I watch people trash their bodies all the time with so many of today’s go to vices, and I am so grateful that I do not have an addictive personality.  I drink occasionally and I eat my greens. Okay, sometimes I smoke them, but that’s my herbal remedy.
No drugs…that ship sailed when I was nineteen so it’s hard for me to see adults popping pills and other recreational drugs. You might recall me losing someone to drugs not long ago. It’s still hurts and haunts my sleep. Drugs stole him away and I hate them for that.

Recently, I had a reality check… You see I have been raised to think that when the doctor gives you something it is okay and it is NOT a drug. I was wrong.  It’s not news, but if you are tuning into this blog for the first time then you should know that I have issues with Anxiety, and I have PTSD from living in a horribly abusive marriage. Years of emotional, verbal, psychological and physical abuse took its toll on me. Everything in life has its pro’s and con’s. This is the con…my beautiful kids are my pro; they are the silver lining.

I am proactive by nature and so I have tried many therapies to help with my flashbacks and triggers. I have come a long way and I am really proud of myself for how hard I continue to work on myself. In addition to this I take medication that has been prescribed by my doctor to keep me steady.  I had been a member of Prozac Nation for many years and it had really helped me to keep an even keel.

This past year knocked me on my ass though. In October we were hit by a huge hurricane that nailed the East Coast.  The kids and I ended up having to move a few times before we found our current home. It was a bit stressful to put it lightly, and it really took its toll on my youngest son. Adults are not the only ones who can suffer from anxiety. Kids are resilient, but there is a breaking point and I think we found it in February.  It was at this point that I felt the floor starting to drop out on me; watching my son struggle so much was more than I felt I could bear, and my anxiety spiked.

It was at this time that my doctor decided that I needed a little more help so he switched my medication to Effexor; a drug which has proven very effective for PTSD. Now as I have mentioned before I don’t abuse my body and I am incredibly sensitive to any medication. It took me 2 long weeks to adjust to the lowest dosage, but I hung in there because the doctor told me too.

Fast forward 4 months… this medication has really screwed with me. It turned my system upside down and I recently decided, along with my doctor to stop taking it. Here’s the kicker…this has a 4 week weaning time. There is NO way that I can do that. Knowing that that pill is poison to my system is too much for me to knowingly put it in my body. I might advise someone else to listen to their doctor, but this girl is listening to her body. I went cold turkey and for the first time I understand what it feels like to be going through withdrawal.

As I type this I am on day 4 of withdrawal and feeling like shit. It’s pretty scary to tell you the truth and I empathize with all those who struggle with trying to get clean. I wanted to write about this though so that it might help someone else. This is the reason I write.  It’s not always easy to be so open, but I feel this is important. My doctor prescribed a legal drug for me and it screwed me up worse than any illegal drug I have ever done.  I am grateful that I see the lesson amidst my discomfort.

What will I do once I work through this? I am not sure. My only true vices are chocolate and love. I don’t think that chocolate will help with anxiety, but Love? Love is the universal balm. Maybe I just haven’t connected to the right dealer for that yet. I’m going to keep trying though. In the meantime, it is one day at a time. Please be careful of anything you put in your body…you only get one and it houses your soul. XO Ella


38 thoughts on “Love, drugs, and other vices.

  1. Love this rawly honest piece, Miss Ella! What you do is critical to so many. Keep that head up and keep moving forward…one step at a time. It’s important for you, your precious children, and the many who follow your words. God bless!

    Tina 😀


  2. My sweetest Ella…I wish you truly knew how many lives you touch…our hearts!! There’s no way to express how dear you are to me and by sharing your experiences the help you do. You’re truly a survivor and an angel. I’m so sorry I don’t know how to sign up or whatever I need to do to be able to receive your blog. Bless you sweet worthy child.


    1. Joanna, thank you love for your kind words and support. They truly mean so much. If you are on FB I will always post my newest blogs. I think you can find a link to click at the bottom of my blog page to follow though. Sending you love XO Ella


  3. One day at a time is all anyone can do. This too shall pass … going onto or off these medications is hard work and I’m sad that Effexor was so toxic to your body. I couldn’t take it either. I have supervised many people going onto various medications and it truly is important to listen to your own body. The doctors don’t Your experience and stopping it ‘cold turkey’ is very hard, but I also chose that path with Effexor. I pray for peace to your soul as you honour your body’s needs. I also pray you have love and support from those around you, as well as from within. Blessings and gratitude xo


    1. Thank you Patricia, I am glad to know that I am not the only one to brave it cold turkey. I can’t put that poison in my system with good conscious. I will be fine….thank you love XO Ella


  4. Oh my heart is so touched by this…I relate on so many levels I don’t know where to begin….
    First of all, you are awesome, awesome, awesome. To share this way.
    I do have an addictive personality, very. It correlates with food, general mega sensitivity, all that. And I have been on so many sides of this. My mom was in the early waves of prozac. She didn’t fare so well on it, and so went through a gambit, MAOs…all of it. My dad is a physician so I grew up in that world, with that language.

    Part of me wants to run down a little “are you doing this?” check list; but I don’t want to bludgeon you with unsolicited wisdom you may have already acquired. 😉

    I’m so happy to talk if you’d like to email me, or facebook.

    I’m totally into food and health, as part of my work; and I’ve recently shared about kicking my smoking addiction. So, I just fully appreciate and love that you’re sharing the shit.

    Eat hemp seeds, and…
    Can I ask Angels to blanket you in pink light?


    1. Juliana, I am so psyched that you responded here! Please by all means blanket me away with a pink light. My mentor is Laurel from Illuminating Souls and so I really believe in that. I love that you have so much knowledge and I welcome it. If it doesn’t fit me then I have gained knowledge to help others. Are you a follower of RT on FB? If so please send me a message there so we can become friends and connect. Love to you girl! XO Ella


  5. Oh, I feel for you. As an alcoholic in recovery I take nothing, as I clearly do have an addictive personality! But the naivety and ignorance of the medical profession over what they offer freely means I have to keep an eye out. For my worst PTSD episodes I was prescribed Valium!! Which I did not take, it’s effectively akin to a relapse for someone like me. I am pleased you made the decision to stop, we always know. And although going cold turkey from anything has its risks, I think you have done the right thing listening to yourself and by day 4 you are so very nearly free! X


    1. Heather, You are so right. My ex boyfriend and true love was an addict who had been in recovery for 12 years solid. He came down with bronchitis and the doctor gave him cough syrup with codine. He felt he could take that since he had been so tight on the road to recovery. He was dead 7 months later from an “accidental overdose” I don’t understand why doctors do what they do…and they give you only so much info. If the info which i read thoroughly gad told me about the weaning of part of this OR all the possible side effects I know I never would have taken it. I am now on day 6 and it’s not so bad. I made it through the worst part and now maybe my body and all it’s cycles with get back in synch. I love you girl! XO Ella


  6. Ella,

    I’m so glad you made the decision to stop with that nasty drug. I was on it from the ages 16-19, during which time I made a number of suicide attempts and ended up almost being sectioned as I harmed myself so badly. It took me 9 months to come off it. It now comes with a black box warning which prevents it from being issued to children below 18. Thanks for publicly opening this discussion.

    9 years later I am happy, I am peaceful, I am watching daily miracles in my life, and I know that I AM love. You don’t need a dealer for love, it’s our natural state of being. The way we as your RebelThriver community show our love and support to you is simply a reflection of all the love that YOU are. Go within, reconnect to you; your infinite source of love.

    In love, light and gratitude xxx


    1. Ilena, love to you girl. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It makes me so sad to think that this particular medication was given to you as a teen. Wow. No matter how much I struggle with my anxiety I would rather go it alone with all the love and support from the RT community than poison myself. We are stronger than we allow ourselves to truly recognize and LOVE is truly the strongest healer of all. Love to you my friend XO Ella


  7. I am so sorry you are going through this. Like you I am very medication sensitive and thus careful what I put in my body. I struggled with the ‘right’ medication for years for epilepsy and pain management and had to do what you are doing twice, it can be a terrible process. You are doing the right thing though in listening to your body and not the doctors, ultimately only you can determine what is best for you.

    Your honesty and sharing touch so many. Thank you.


  8. Thank you for sharing this story…I feel your pain and to be honest I am dealin with my own demons with prescription medicine that has been prescribed by my dr. I also have been the same abusive relationship. I have been divorced since 1998 and hope one day to overcome my insecurities and find passion in my life…. ❤ Kim


    1. Oh Kim, you will find it. If you desire it then put that wish out into the universe and prepare for it to come to you. Focus on you and work through all the baggage. Grieve your lost years to the abusive man and let it go. Life is waiting for you to take a bite of it. I hope you are a part of the Rebel Thriver community on FB….if not please find us. There is so much strength to be gained from knowing that you are not alone and that others understand. Sending you LOVE XO Ella


  9. Sending you lots of light and peace. I couldn’t take it either. I am on Lexapro and so wish I could go off of it. But I am afraid that it does too good a job of keeping me afloat. I hope we can all love ourselves through this season, and then just let it all go. Blessings to you and your boys.


    1. It’s a tight rope walk isn’t it? I want to say that I am going to clean out my system and try to work this out without any help, but I am also realistic. After years of abuse we create adrenal fatigue and our brain synapses don’t work as they should. Sometimes the right medicine is key. This is my first experience with something like this and I will NEVER allow it to happen again. I must listen closer to my body and take care. I do believe that one day I can go without any of this and for that I am hopeful! XO ella


  10. my ella… xo i’m sorry you’re going through this, but it too will pass… as for the love thing… well, that will come in it’s own time, when it’s right, and when it’s meant to be. and until then, I LOVE YOU. xoxoxoxo sandi


  11. Ella, I see from previous comments you are feeling better. I am always prayerful for my RT sisters and wish I could be of more help to each one of you. You are strong and powerful, never forget that! You have a mission; a purpose and you are living it out day by day, test by test, struggle by struggle….teaching, leading, ministering, helping, loving…all the way! Keep up the good work..i love you to the moon and back..always and forever! ❤


    1. Dawni, I love you. I am so grateful for your love and your support with helping me with Rebel Thriver. You are so aligned with me sister…I see BIG things in the future with us. This was just a bump…i share so others can see I am human and I really do understand. xo Ella


  12. So sorry for your suffering. I can relate. I did the same thing with another drug, Paxil, a couple of years ago. It was the worst thing I’ve been through. And yes it had been prescribed by a doctor. Take it slowly. This too shall pass.


  13. I haven’t read your blog before, but went over after reading what you said about it on your FB page. I totally believe that being real is fundamental to our capacity to connect with others. I applaud your honesty and I think about the people whose lives will be changed because they have read what you wrote and will be better prepared to deal with legal poison if offered it. Well done!
    Oh, I am Sue Watt, and you sometimes look at posts I have on FB on my page miles away from abuse…..and here in blog world I blog at Much love to you Ella and I really hope that you can get some peace and rest and that your precious body rights itself as this toxin flows from your body.
    ♥♥♥ Sue
    Oh and I added my details to follow you too so I don’t miss any more of your journey and honesty xx


    1. Sue, Yes…I know your page. Thank you so much for commenting here..I so appreciate it and I will certainly connect with you more on FB. We need to support each other. Love to you sister Xo Ella


  14. Ella,

    Thank you for your continuing bravery in sharing your story. I’m so sorry for the struggles you’re experiencing. Please know, I’m sending lots of healing thoughts your way!

    Drugs were never my go-to method of coping. Instead, I used food. Still do, unfortunately, but I feel like I have better control over it. I’m constantly working on myself, too. When I first started counseling, my therapist urged me to think about medication. Like you, I suffer from some pretty debilitating anxiety and PTSD. I refused because I didn’t like the thought of being drugged while trying to work on myself. It felt counterproductive, especially since I was so numb to emotion by that time that I didn’t know what I was feeling anyway. I felt drugs would only make that worse. So, I opted out.

    Be kind to yourself, Ella. You’re not alone.


    1. Tammie, you make a lot of sense and that is the route I am going to take now. Anxiety or not. The medication helps for other things too. I am going to do it though…for better because it can’t get worse than this. Thank you so much for your love and support and don’t forget that I am here for you too. Do you follow us on FB? Xo Ella


    1. Juliet, I so love that name.
      Thank you love for our support. I hope that by being honest and open I can help people break the stigma of all this shit that society tries to make us feel weak for. WE are not weak…we are invincible and together we are eternal! XO Ella


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