I am the flow. I love this; it is my new mantra lately. This, from a girl who has spent her entire life swimming against the flow. Why? I don’t know why. I just never felt like I fit in. I was always swimming up-stream while everyone else was swimming downstream. Perhaps it was my insecurities just telling me that I needed to stand out a little to be noticed? Okay maybe I tried to stand out a lot.
Blue hair, orange hair, black nails, black hair; a pigment of his imagination is what my father used to call me. I laugh about it now, but back then it felt like he was rejecting me. I really did try to be myself in a world where so many were just following the pack. I always followed my heart and while it made me wildly successful in business it nearly killed me in my personal life.
This past year has been chock full of lessons for me. Painful lessons that took me a long time to finally get. I’m talking years to finally get. I have finally arrived at many of the answers, and that makes all the discomfort (okay, most of it) bearable. It’s kind of practice what you preach, walk the talk, kinda moment for me now. I am so good at giving advice, but not so great at listening to myself. That’s one of the things I love most about Rebel Thriver…I get feedback. Sometimes, I even get called out on something and challenged on my very own thoughts. I am at a place though in my life that if someone comes to me in love to express a concern about me, my direction, etc. that I can actually sit with it and be pretty open to them. I welcome it as I cannot do this all alone. I need that feedback….we all do. A sounding board for our lives.
I live on the ocean and I am so very aware of her tides. The ebb and flow of the water is life. It’s all about flow. As we like to say in Rebel Thriver…life is a process. Everything is ebb and flow on the way to finding balance. I readily admit that for the last few years fear has cause me to befriend ebb and not pay much attention to flow. That’s changed recently as I have flipped the switch for balance in my life to the ‘on’ position.
Resistance is a very powerful thing. Sometimes we don’t even realize that we are in fact resisting life. We make up excuses and turn a blind eye to any opportunity that might find us a way through the shadowy maze. We ignore that a balanced life is about ebb and flow and we just let fear take over and win. Waking up from that is akin to waking with a bad hangover. It’s hard to shake off, but it’s possible.
I woke up with this very hangover…it lasted for many years. Ebb was all around me and flow was no where in sight. It’s all changed now. How you ask? Well, I have Hurricane Sandy to really thank for that. You see i was pretty stuck in my life as it was…going about my business and wondering what the hell I was going to be when I grew up. Yes this was about 2 months ago. I know what I want…I dream BIG. I have a lot of fear though. The residual effects of abuse run deep and although I was wildly successful in my past career I still lacked the faith in myself that I was able to do it. Self doubt…it’s a bitch.
Hurricane Sandy came through my life when I thought things couldn’t get any more confusing for me. She brought me to my knees and opened my eyes. I realized that all the mental resistance was preventing me from moving forward. I let go of Ebb and welcomed Flow back into my life. Now they come and go at regular intervals and I know that even if I am afraid of taking a step I have to trust that the ground will be there when I touch down. I have learned to let go and ride the waves. Ironic that for a surfer it has taken me so long to get this lesson!
The lesson has been learned. I am not pushing back now. I am working with the current and I am finding life to flow so much better. Why did it take me so long to figure this out? I guess the bottom line is…FEAR. Fear makes us believe that if we are “in control” of it all then the bottom won’t drop out. Fear tricks us because there is no such thing as having control. So if we can just let go of that false sense of security that we think our “control” gives us then we can be free to take life as it comes. Just like jumping waves at the beach. You have to learn when you can go over the wave or when you need to dive deep to avoid the crashing mess above.
Be the flow… this is the lesson that took me over 40 years to learn. This is the lesson that took my life falling apart to teach me how to bring it together. This doesn’t mean that I won’t have fear or struggle with choices and decisions…I will. It means that I am open to hearing what life is trying to show me. I am open to more than just “my way.” I am open…and only when we are truly open can our spirits flow. Xo Ella