I am the Flow…

I am the FLow

I am the flow.  I love this; it is my new mantra lately.  This, from a girl who has spent her entire life swimming against the flow.  Why?  I don’t know why.  I just never felt like I fit in.  I was always swimming up-stream while everyone else was swimming downstream.  Perhaps it was my insecurities just telling me that I needed to stand out a little to be noticed?  Okay maybe I tried to stand out a lot.

Blue hair, orange hair, black nails, black hair; a pigment of his imagination is what my father used to call me.  I laugh about it now, but back then it felt like he was rejecting me.  I really did try to be myself in a world where so many were just following the pack.  I always followed my heart and while it made me wildly successful in business it nearly killed me in my personal life.

This past year has been chock full of lessons for me.  Painful lessons that took me a long time to finally get.  I’m talking years to finally get.  I have finally arrived at many of the answers, and that makes all the discomfort (okay, most of it) bearable.  It’s kind of practice what you preach, walk the talk, kinda moment for me now.  I am so good at giving advice, but not so great at listening to myself.  That’s one of the things I love most about Rebel Thriver…I get feedback.  Sometimes, I even get called out on something and challenged on my very own thoughts.  I am at a place though in my life that if someone comes to me in love to express a concern about me, my direction, etc. that I can actually sit with it and be pretty open to them.  I welcome it as I cannot do this all alone.  I need that feedback….we all do.  A sounding board for our lives.

I live on the ocean and I am so very aware of her tides.  The ebb and flow of the water is life.  It’s all about flow.  As we like to say in Rebel Thriver…life is a process.  Everything is ebb and flow on the way to finding balance.  I readily admit that for the last few years fear has cause me to befriend ebb and not pay much attention to flow.  That’s changed recently as I have flipped the switch for balance in my life to the ‘on’ position.

Resistance is a very powerful thing.  Sometimes we don’t even realize that we are in fact resisting life.  We make up excuses and turn a blind eye to any opportunity that might find us a way through the shadowy maze. We ignore that a balanced life is about ebb and flow and we just let fear take over and win. Waking up from that is akin to waking with a bad hangover.  It’s hard to shake off, but it’s possible.

I woke up with this very hangover…it lasted for many years.  Ebb was all around me and flow was no where in sight.  It’s all changed now.  How you ask?  Well, I have Hurricane Sandy to really thank for that.  You see i was pretty stuck in my life as it was…going about my business and wondering what the hell I was going to be when I grew up.  Yes this was about 2 months ago.  I know what I want…I dream BIG.  I have a lot of fear though.  The residual effects of abuse run deep and although I was wildly successful in my past career I still lacked the faith in myself that I was able to do it.  Self doubt…it’s a bitch.

Hurricane Sandy came through my life when I thought things couldn’t get any more confusing for me.  She brought me to my knees and opened my eyes.  I realized that all the mental resistance was preventing me from moving forward.  I let go of Ebb and welcomed Flow back into my life. Now they come and go at regular intervals and I know that even if I am afraid of taking a step I have to trust that the ground will be there when I touch down.  I have learned to let go and ride the waves.  Ironic that for a surfer it has taken me so long to get this lesson!

The lesson has been learned.  I am not pushing back now.  I am working with the current and I am finding life to flow so much better.  Why did it take me so long to figure this out?  I guess the bottom line is…FEAR.  Fear makes us believe that if we are “in control” of it all then the bottom won’t drop out.  Fear tricks us because there is no such thing as having control.  So if we can just let go of that false sense of security that we think our “control” gives us then we can be free to take life as it comes.  Just like jumping waves at the beach.  You have to learn when you can go over the wave or when you need to dive deep to avoid the crashing mess above.

Be the flow… this is the lesson that took me over 40 years to learn.  This is the lesson that took my life falling apart to teach me how to bring it together.  This doesn’t mean that I won’t have fear or struggle with choices and decisions…I will.  It means that I am open to hearing what life is trying to show me.  I am open to more than just “my way.”  I am open…and only when we are truly open can our spirits flow.  Xo Ella

Detour

17 thoughts on “I am the Flow…

  1. Oh Ella – I can so relate and I love your new mantra – the fact we shared punky weirdness too helps me relate to you going forever against the flow – that was me too and it was to such detriment to myself because I lost who I was – my whole identity – now I am gaining that punky kick ass free spirit back and loving me for the first time in a very long time _ I fluffin love you matey but you know what’s even better I am starting to fluffin love myself too x

  2. dear Ella, once again you have shown me courage and a willingness to share some very painful lessons.
    as i have told you before you are a huge power of example to me. not many are in your company.

    most of what i have been through in my life has been very painful and it’s taken me many many years of sobriety and talking with professionals to get to where i can be at peace, sometimes lol

    you use the words fear and control in your blog and i know in my case they have controlled me when i thought just the opposite. fear is a powerful weapon i use on myself and it has held me back from enjoying my life and to take the steps i need to take to go for my dreams.

    thank you for everything you have done for me, thank you for your friendship, thank you for your love and care.

    you spoke of listening to others when they come to you with love and concern, and i have seen that first hand, you are changing and going with the flow now, and i am proud to call you my friend.

    peace,
    j

    1. Jerry,
      You are such a dear friend to me. I am such a patchwork girl. I have been through so much and I fought for so long to get it right. Then one day I realized that it will never be ‘right’ that we need to just accept it as it is and learn to love it…love life and embrace it. I really try my best, I am so far from perfect, but I think that sharing my imperfections and my struggles make me relatable. I grew up in a home where we had to keep “face”. Behind the front door shit got real though. I am all for living my truth and being real for myself, my kids, and my friends. What’s the point otherwise. I love you my friend. xo Ella

  3. Beautiful insight.

    I remember long ago swimming in the Atlantic. I was running from the waves…I mean, RUNNING. This old man came up to me and said, “Honey, don’t run…just go with the ‘flow’ of the waves.”

    I am still trying to do this, but it’s difficult as hell.

    Loved this post. x

    1. That old man was a wise dude. It’s so true, but not so easy to do all the time. I live at the beach, I surf, I swim, I live for the sea. However, sometimes it’s hard to not let that fear creep up and cause you to go against the flow. Keep trying…it gets easier as time goes on! xoxo Ella

  4. Like a breath of fresh air, your beautifully insightful words, touched my heart. I needed this lesson right now to kick me into gear back to being the fearless go getter I once once was! Thank you for being you 🙂

  5. Once again you provide a wonderful life lesson, spoken from a true heart. Fear has held me captive for so long, taken over a great deal this year despite my letting go of much of the past. I desperately need to learn ‘Flow’.

    Thank you for this.

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