The Crack in my Soul.

There is a crack in my soul that I didn’t even realize I had. I realized that at one point in my life no so long ago I had many; maybe a few hairline fractures left, but NOT this.

I have had the privilege of being raised by amazingly loving parents who have been together for over 55 years. My father is my hero. Not perfect by any chance, but steadfast, loyal, and oh so steady. He has always been there for me. No matter what. Period. I am blessed and I know it.

Today, as I was sitting in a therapy session with my young son, I noticed this crack in my soul.  I have walked a path unlike most mothers that I know. It’s taken my son about 6 years to start verbalizing his feelings. I’ve waited a long time for this. Until now his feelings would come out as physical reactions to the triggers going off in his vast mind. I could see all of the pieces, but I couldn’t put them together. He is one of two gifts that I received during my abusive marriage.  Thank GOD for the them they are the silver lining.

Many people would think that a man would take it easy on their pregnant wife.  He did the first time; beginners luck?  When I was pregnant with my second child I knew after the 3rd month that the nightmare had begun. The kind of nightmare you try to wake yourself up from, but there is no hope. This time there would be no apologies or therapy sessions.  The proverbial straw broke the camels back and the abuse continued until the children and I were able to flee to safety.

My baby was about 2 years old by then. Domestic Violence caused this perfect little baby to come into this world early, and it is what has caused him so much anxiety and frustration. It’s taken years of patience for me to wait not knowing if he would ever be able to verbalize how he felt…or what it was that actually made him feel “bad”. His anxiety levels are high and he is worried that things aren’t going to turn out okay. No matter how much I assure him the anxiety remains. The fear of the bottom dropping out again is always there, and my anxiety doesn’t exactly help him either.

Today we had a bit of a break thorough though! We have already established that he is angry, but that’s about as far as we have managed to get. Today it crystalized in his brilliant little mind. He spoke clearly and verbalized his inner most feelings for the first time really. He wishes that he could be “normal”.  He wants a normal family. He wants a Dad; one that is actually in his life. He wants to have a home where he can stay and feel safe and not have to run in the middle of the night. He wants stability.

I wish I could tell him that I want the same thing, but I can’t.  It’s my job to “make the best of the adventure”.  I have done everything in my power to give this to him, but I can’t remove the cause of our anxiety. That person still walks this earth and as long as I am a mother I will have to make the necessary moves to protect my children. I know it is hard on them. Shit it’s HARD as hell on me.  We have lived a life that movies are made of.  The fine details are not permissible for our safety; suffice it to say though, that this little boy has endured what most adults will never have to consider.

I am so proud of my son. I am so incredibly grateful that he was able to verbalized this today. I felt like the caged bird finally sang it’s sad song. He was exhausted from the process and sad for having heard it come out of his own mouth I believe. The simple realization that this is his life, and he wished it were different. God knows I try my best to make his little life as magical and blissful as I can. I try to make everyday an adventure so he feels special and not different.

I don’t think I realized until today how deeply sad he is about having a void where a father should be. He doesn’t see or talk to the man who helped create him. He just doesn’t have a dad and I have tried to remedy that.  I met an incredible man and I thought he was it, but he died less than a year ago. I know my son is devastated from that because he misses him and he wants a dad. Period. Unfortunately, that’s simply a void I cannot fill and Lord knows I have tried.

It was at this moment with him that I realized that there was a crack in my soul; I had to use all my super hero powers to hold back the tears. This crack cannot be fixed with love from another. I cannot repair it with laughter. It is what it is.  It is because of my choices that my son suffers. No, I don’t hold myself hostage for this, but it has created such a sadness within. I thought I could be both a mother and a father if I loved him enough, but I can’t. He’s a boy and he wants a dad, and that is that.

I read something lately that said that the cracks in a person are what let the light in. It was meant to be funny since I am a bit left of center; cracked. However, after considering this more I think I am going to have to go with that idea with all sincerity. My soul is cracked and the light is going to pour in until the day comes that I can remedy this situation. Until then all I can do is be the best mother and friend this little boy can have, and keep the conversation going. I thank GOD that he is talking even though it kills me a little every time I hear his little voice speak such sad truths.

This is not going to be a sad ending though.  I am his mother and I hold the pen.  I am writing a happy ending to this adventure and I plan many adventures along the way.  Itwill be filled with love, magic, and whimsy; and when he is angry I must remember that he is just sad.  I must remember to wear my crown and cape everyday as I set out to save the day.  How blessed am I to be able to be on this journey with my two best friends?  xo Ella 

14 thoughts on “The Crack in my Soul.

  1. It is hard to like this, so I will say I love this because it is beautifully written for the crack in your soul to let light in. It is sadly beautiful for the little boy who wishes for a dad, I am sorry. But while I am sorry I am joyous also, he has a super hero mother who will continue to protect, love and most especially honor him. This is so important, this honor.

    I wish I could hug you. I wish I could hug him. I wish I could wrap you both in feathers and sunlight.

    1. Thank you Val…I wish you were here to hug me too. We are Rebel Thriver’s so I know he will grow and use this pain to become and incredible and empathetic man. He is amazing and I am blessed xo Ella

  2. It takes a lot to make me cry. I’m blinking back tears. I’m also speechless. I love you and I believe with every ounce of my being that you’re doing a beautiful job raising your boys. The life you’re building, broken stone upon broken stone, will shine most radiantly. Hell — it already does. Love you.

    1. Thanks El! When I wrote this is was kinda an out of bosy experience. I had to exorcise it out. Somedays are tough…and mother’s hearts often break for their children. I am just so grateful that we are alive to love each other and laugh like we do in spite of it all! xo Ella

  3. Your words are so beautiful. Even though they are full of pain and struggle, they are also full of light and love, persistence and faith. I know you will do everything in your power to give this blessing of a boy all the tools he can use for a happy life even though he will always miss having a father.
    Even though I am not a fan of Hillary Clinton, I do like the saying, “It takes a village”. You can always pray that the universe will provide a father figure for him in the form of various people.
    I have a son I adopted from my drug addicted sister who also has some serious personality disorder issues.
    My son has abandonment issues and will forever wear this as part of his “skin”. I have done everything I can to counteract that feeling and assure him that I will never abandon him, but still the “feeling” persists even though he knows I love him to the core.
    This issue is just part of my son’s journey in life, and I feel blessed that I am the one who will help him deal with this issue. It’s both a burden and a blessing. We learn so much from each other.
    I know you will always have a deeply special bond with your beautiful son. Sending you blessings and love for your journey together.

    1. Loretta, Thank you for your kind words and for understanding this at such a base level. Yes, abandonment is a terribly hard thing to have to carry around. Our children are loved and the truth is that they aren’t abandoned…they have us. Find the silver lining and the laughter as it all goes by so fast. I am the luckiest mom alive! xo Ella

  4. aw Ella – this is so beautiful – I shared your words in so many ways – my daughter too wants an ‘ideal’ dad – what an outpouring of pure unconditional love you have within this hurt – your capacity to keep going for your two children is testament not only to your strength and resilience but says ‘I’m a fluffin REBEL THRIVER’ – you inspire me so much matey – keep shining xxx

    1. Evie, we walk such similar paths and I KNOW you as you KNOW me. You are an amazing Mom and your spirit shines through in everything you say and do. How lucky your kids are to have you as their mom and how lucky am I to have you as my mate! Keep shining love xoxo Ella

    2. Evie, we walk such similar paths and I KNOW you as you KNOW me. You are an amazing Mom and your spirit shines through in everything you say and do. How lucky your kids are to have you as their mom and how lucky am I to have you as my mate! Keep shining love xoxo Ella

  5. Simply beautiful my sweet, thank you for sharing. xoxo What an amazing Mother you are, you inspire me to be a better me. I love you.

  6. Moved beyond words, wishing you all the luck in the world to help change your recent fortune and praying for that light to shine right in and swallow up all the debris so the smiles will be the only thing within your and your childrens souls for ever more ❤

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