And finally I twist my heart round again, so that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside, and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be, and could be, if there weren’t any other people living in the world. – Anne Frank

It would seem that as soon as I think I understand, I quickly learn that I don’t.  I am trying though.  Trust me I am giving it my all.  Life has thrown me some serious fast, curve, and foul balls and I keep swinging.  My inner coach is starting to be able to spot them as they come now and I am learning how to play the game.  At least I would like to think that I am and that all of this hasn’t been in vain.

I sit here and reflect over the last few years; my life deserves a special on the Lifetime Channel.  I laugh to myself at the thought because those movies are always so overly dramatic.  I think of my life as more of a Traumady.  I keep laughing even through the drama and the tears. Laughter has saved me, and while it has sometimes come at the most inappropriate of moments it has kept me alive and kept me going.

I simply can’t build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery and death… I think… peace and tranquillity will return again. – Anne Frank

I keep moving forward and I keep growing through the pain.  I really do BELIEVE that when I turn the page this time tranquility will return.  I am hoping for at least a little peace.  It’s hard to start over, and I feel like the last few years have been nothing but do overs.  I want something to stick.  I want someone to BELIEVE in me enough to stay the course and see the possibilities.  That’s the hardest part about being divorced…all my dreams seemed to vanish with it.  The collateral damage included my career and that’s the hardest part for me.  I want new dreams, but I am scared to trust only to find myself in the quicksand again.  Yet, I still somehow believe that it will all work out for me and my little tribe of beach gypsies.  I guess that is what you would call faith. 

I don’t think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains. – Anne Frank

I’m a dreamer and I BELIEVE in love.  I want to share my life with someone and I want more than anything to give my sons a father for once.  The one they were given had a factory defect and he just couldn’t learn to walk.  In spite of it all, we are a happy tribe and we have an unusually close bond that most families don’t have because of what we survive together.  If only I could tell you the details of my complex life then you might understand why it’s so hard to keep up.  I will rise though like the Phoenix from the ashes and I will SOAR again.  I just don’t know when and that is the hard part. Patience in the process.  I want to take flight now, but I have two little birds in my nest and take off isn’t as easy as you might think when you are trying to balance it all.
How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. – Anne Frank

I keep working on myself and being the best mother that I know how.  In the end it comes down to LOVE really.  Beyond that I am simply me and that means I am perfectly imperfect.  I cannot do it all and I will make mistakes, but my heart is in the right place and I yearn to help everyone.  I am an empath and I feel everyone’s pain all to well.  If only I could help myself as well as I do others.  It’s much easier to give advice then it is to listen to your own.  Alas, that is just a part of life.  We learn as we go.

Whoever is happy will make others happy too. – Anne Frank

I would like to BELIEVE that it is as easy as this.  The truth is that it isn’t.  I was sucker punched recently and I staggered, but I caught myself before I fell.  I stepped back from life and became quiet. I saw the ripple effect of my solitude on the others in my life.  It was a stark difference from how it usually is.  I caught myself though and that is the important thing here.  My heart cannot be broken again.  Twice is more than any heart can take in a lifetime I think.  The sorrow is deep and the confusion has blinded me, yet still I will rise like the Phoenix.

It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. – Anne Frank

I’m moving forward with baby steps.  I have no idea where I am going, but I have to keep moving.  I want to believe that people really are good at heart and that their intentions are pure, but I sometimes have my doubts.  Life has taught me this so far.  The final page in this chapter is ending and the new chapter is looming in the near future, but it has no title yet.  Perhaps I should do that?  Give it a title and live into it or shall I just live it and name it after? That’s the tricky part isn’t it.  If I title it first then I automatically put expectations on how it should end up and we all know what happens when we put expectations on life.

I must uphold my ideals, for perhaps the time will come when I shall be able to carry them out. – Anne Frank

In the final analysis I have no other choice but to live the questions now as Rilke so poetically put it.  To live one day into the answer.  If only it were that easy…as I am not the most patient person when it comes to myself.  I’ve gotten so much better at it, but I still have a way to go.  That’s the problem with being a dreamer.  We aren’t the most practical of people and we so often trust to soon, and envision an outcome that might just never come to pass.  That’s just a recipe for disappointment.  The key is to seize the day and live in the moment.

Whoever is happy will make others happy too. – Anne Frank

I will put away fear, ego, and self loathing.  I will move forward one step at a time knowing that I am worthy of love.  I am worthy of a commitment that can last a lifetime.  I am worthy of all my dreams coming true.  I just have to BELIEVE this and rest up for dreams don’t always come easy.  All the good things in life are worth a little blood, sweat, and tears.  This I know from experience.

The final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands. – Anne Frank

It’s up to me an no one else.  My children depend on me and I depend on me.  The trials I have faced, the heart-break I have endured, have all played a part in who I am and my character.  I take pride in knowing that I am really good at heart.  I am decent and honest, trustworthy, and loyal to a fault.  All I can to is keep moving forward one step at a time.  Slowly, turn the page and finish this chapter so I can move on to the next one.  God knows, I am doing the best I can and that’s all I can do in the end.  I push hard and will sleep well tonight knowing that a new chapter is about to begin and I am ready.  I am so ready to learn to walk again.  I believe I’ve waited long enough.

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy. – Anne Frank