Turning the Page.

And finally I twist my heart round again, so that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside, and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be, and could be, if there weren’t any other people living in the world. – Anne Frank

It would seem that as soon as I think I understand, I quickly learn that I don’t.  I am trying though.  Trust me I am giving it my all.  Life has thrown me some serious fast, curve, and foul balls and I keep swinging.  My inner coach is starting to be able to spot them as they come now and I am learning how to play the game.  At least I would like to think that I am and that all of this hasn’t been in vain.

I sit here and reflect over the last few years; my life deserves a special on the Lifetime Channel.  I laugh to myself at the thought because those movies are always so overly dramatic.  I think of my life as more of a Traumady.  I keep laughing even through the drama and the tears. Laughter has saved me, and while it has sometimes come at the most inappropriate of moments it has kept me alive and kept me going.

I simply can’t build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery and death… I think… peace and tranquillity will return again. – Anne Frank

I keep moving forward and I keep growing through the pain.  I really do BELIEVE that when I turn the page this time tranquility will return.  I am hoping for at least a little peace.  It’s hard to start over, and I feel like the last few years have been nothing but do overs.  I want something to stick.  I want someone to BELIEVE in me enough to stay the course and see the possibilities.  That’s the hardest part about being divorced…all my dreams seemed to vanish with it.  The collateral damage included my career and that’s the hardest part for me.  I want new dreams, but I am scared to trust only to find myself in the quicksand again.  Yet, I still somehow believe that it will all work out for me and my little tribe of beach gypsies.  I guess that is what you would call faith. 

I don’t think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains. – Anne Frank

I’m a dreamer and I BELIEVE in love.  I want to share my life with someone and I want more than anything to give my sons a father for once.  The one they were given had a factory defect and he just couldn’t learn to walk.  In spite of it all, we are a happy tribe and we have an unusually close bond that most families don’t have because of what we survive together.  If only I could tell you the details of my complex life then you might understand why it’s so hard to keep up.  I will rise though like the Phoenix from the ashes and I will SOAR again.  I just don’t know when and that is the hard part. Patience in the process.  I want to take flight now, but I have two little birds in my nest and take off isn’t as easy as you might think when you are trying to balance it all.
How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. – Anne Frank

I keep working on myself and being the best mother that I know how.  In the end it comes down to LOVE really.  Beyond that I am simply me and that means I am perfectly imperfect.  I cannot do it all and I will make mistakes, but my heart is in the right place and I yearn to help everyone.  I am an empath and I feel everyone’s pain all to well.  If only I could help myself as well as I do others.  It’s much easier to give advice then it is to listen to your own.  Alas, that is just a part of life.  We learn as we go.

Whoever is happy will make others happy too. – Anne Frank

I would like to BELIEVE that it is as easy as this.  The truth is that it isn’t.  I was sucker punched recently and I staggered, but I caught myself before I fell.  I stepped back from life and became quiet. I saw the ripple effect of my solitude on the others in my life.  It was a stark difference from how it usually is.  I caught myself though and that is the important thing here.  My heart cannot be broken again.  Twice is more than any heart can take in a lifetime I think.  The sorrow is deep and the confusion has blinded me, yet still I will rise like the Phoenix.

It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. – Anne Frank

I’m moving forward with baby steps.  I have no idea where I am going, but I have to keep moving.  I want to believe that people really are good at heart and that their intentions are pure, but I sometimes have my doubts.  Life has taught me this so far.  The final page in this chapter is ending and the new chapter is looming in the near future, but it has no title yet.  Perhaps I should do that?  Give it a title and live into it or shall I just live it and name it after? That’s the tricky part isn’t it.  If I title it first then I automatically put expectations on how it should end up and we all know what happens when we put expectations on life.

I must uphold my ideals, for perhaps the time will come when I shall be able to carry them out. – Anne Frank

In the final analysis I have no other choice but to live the questions now as Rilke so poetically put it.  To live one day into the answer.  If only it were that easy…as I am not the most patient person when it comes to myself.  I’ve gotten so much better at it, but I still have a way to go.  That’s the problem with being a dreamer.  We aren’t the most practical of people and we so often trust to soon, and envision an outcome that might just never come to pass.  That’s just a recipe for disappointment.  The key is to seize the day and live in the moment.

Whoever is happy will make others happy too. – Anne Frank

I will put away fear, ego, and self loathing.  I will move forward one step at a time knowing that I am worthy of love.  I am worthy of a commitment that can last a lifetime.  I am worthy of all my dreams coming true.  I just have to BELIEVE this and rest up for dreams don’t always come easy.  All the good things in life are worth a little blood, sweat, and tears.  This I know from experience.

The final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands. – Anne Frank

It’s up to me an no one else.  My children depend on me and I depend on me.  The trials I have faced, the heart-break I have endured, have all played a part in who I am and my character.  I take pride in knowing that I am really good at heart.  I am decent and honest, trustworthy, and loyal to a fault.  All I can to is keep moving forward one step at a time.  Slowly, turn the page and finish this chapter so I can move on to the next one.  God knows, I am doing the best I can and that’s all I can do in the end.  I push hard and will sleep well tonight knowing that a new chapter is about to begin and I am ready.  I am so ready to learn to walk again.  I believe I’ve waited long enough.

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy. – Anne Frank

In the final analysis will I be happy for how my life played out?  We will have to see the jury is still out on that one.  All I know is that I truly do my best even though I’m far from where I started; and I will continue to do so to leave a legacy for my children.  What else have we got?  We need to love one another and give freely from our hearts.  After all isn’t that what true living is all about?  I need to believe that one day I will meet someone who will believe that I am worth fighting for.  In the end that is all I want…a family to take care of.  My tribe of gypsies to love and grow old with as I watch the waves crash upon the shore.
Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.  – Anne Frank
It’s true my friends.  I am hopeless romantic and I want to believe that one day it will all work out.   You will have to wait for the next chapter to see how the story unfolds.  I myself am sitting on the edge of my seat.   xo Ella
 

8 thoughts on “Turning the Page.

  1. This was lovely to read.
    You are doing the best that you can do. We don’t have instructions and there is no right or wrong in how we deal with our ups and downs. We take it one day at a time. That’s all we can do.
    Don’t have expectations. It generally leads to disappointment. Live and give but don’t expect. Then when something good is given to you gratitude will be overwhelming.
    Keep it simple, continue one step at a time and it will be ok.
    Paulette xxxx

    1. Paulette, Thank you so much for your kind words. I write so as to encourage others that they are not alone in their struggles. Thank you for encouraging me back. Have a wonderful day and welcome to the Rebel Thriver tribe! xo Ella

  2. I don’t like it; I LOVE IT!!! I found many familiar thoughts, feelings, and situations in this slice of your life. I am a REBEL THRIVER too!! In fact, my whole blog is about going through everything you’ve described here, not only once but twice and then becoming physically disabled almost overnight while remaining determined to THRIVE!! So, I guess you could say I’ve been there.

    You keep fighting!! It is worth it!!

    I am happier now than I have ever been in my life despite all the physical challenges I face on a daily basis. Why? Because my joy–and your joy–comes from within. It is not sourced by events, people, or things and so events, people, or things cannot alter it.

    THRIVE ON!!!!!!!

    1. What an inspiration you are to me today! Thank you for leaving a comment and thank you for being a part of my magical tribe. Please send me a note on the Fb page so I know who you are on there. Keep shining my friend! xo Ella

  3. It is so much easier to give others love and support. I think you are amazing. I think when we have been beaten hard-mentally, physically,psycholologically:::it is so hard to believe your own worth. I guess that is why we have to listen to the ones who have been through similar experiences. We can shed that light to others if not ourselves. Hugs and love to you Ella.

    1. Oh my gosh! I am so honored…thank you so very much. Keep your eyes out I feel another post coming on tonight! xo Ella

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