I am always running 10 steps ahead of myself. I’m not hyper, but I am excitable. I love the idea of yoga. In my mind, balance goes hand in hand with yoga. I have taken yoga classes and done my share of meditation; usually guided, otherwise the voices in my head take over and the next thing I know I am planning dinner or what to buy the kids for Christmas!
I am always striving for BALANCE. It’s so hard for me to do being a type A personality. I want to do it all now. A fact that many people may not know is that survivors of abuse usually have what is perceived as control issues. It looks like control to other people…it feels like FEAR to us though. I lived in a marriage where there was no emotional stability. Living like this caused me to try to control any semblance of stability and sanity.
It’s been years since I left my husband and I have not sat idly by. I have worked very hard on myself. I have worked hard with my children. I have come very far from where I was, but I still struggle with balance. I know that the result of my abusive marriage is PTSD. I know that this causes certain people to think I am controlling when in fact it is quiet the opposite. After living a life where the bottom dropped out there is a lot of residual and illogical fear left lingering. I do my best to express myself and my concerns to those who are close to me in my life. It is balance that I am striving for.
Today, I went to the ocean and decided to Stand Up Paddle Board (SUP) instead of regular long boarding. This is something that I really want to be good at. It’s fun and a great workout. Paddling out on flat water is easy, but to take a huge and heavy board like this into the waves is an entirely different experience. You need to be present or you risk getting hurt.
As I paddled out past the breakers I found that the ocean was working with me. I felt the rhythm of the waves and I gave thanks for the good fortune of having a healthy body so that I had could be out there. I was no longer afraid of the waves smashing me down as I learned how to fall and take the crushing waves in stride. I didn’t care who was watching as I stood up on that board. It was me and the sea, and it was amazing.
What I learned today was that BALANCE is not so hard after all. We need to have our feet planted firmly on the ground, but we also need to stay loose and flexible to be able to absorb the waves in our life. Bumps in the road some might say. The more relaxed I was the better I surfed. Finally, when It was time to head to shore I was super stoked to be able to ride that board in. I was tired, happy, content, and balanced. What normally would have scared me to death (these boards are HEAVY if they hit you), turned out to be the best ride ever! I stood firmly and confidently and picked the right wave and just let it take me in to the shore.
What a blast life can be when we let go a little and trust ourselves to be able to manage the ups and downs of our daily lives. It was so freeing to let go of my fear and find my balance in the crashing surf. The ocean always teaches me…today she taught me balance…finally.